I was still up when my parents took off for the provinces to attend the wake of my grandpa. He's not my grandpa, grandpa..
he was the brother of my lola. My real Lolos are
dead, from both side of the family. I was 20 years old when i lost my lolo on the father side and 21 when my lolo
on the mother side passed away. It seems now that i can't really remember how i felt during that time.
All i know is that sometimes when i see familiar things or people that looks like them, i miss them.
But that's it. I miss them. No more longing that they are alive. It seems that i can be really coldhearted..but i would
lie to myself if i say otherwise. Have i moved on? I guess i did. Did i cry publicly? i have to... not because of what i feel
but because everybody else is crying. I got this feeling that if i don't cry people will tend to criticize me.. and i hate criticisms.. so i cried eventhough i don't feel like crying.
But i did cry alone in my room..nobody knew about it. What's the point of letting people see you cry? It's better to cry alone
you don't care how you look like.... you don't care how red your nose is or how messed up your face is.. hehehe! So here iam... still on the net, despite the death in the family. I can never be like
others.. who wallow in their sorrow. I can move on when i want to.... but i can wallow if i do want too. Maybe someday.... i'll understand why I'm like this . In the meantime i believe that death is the ultimate release for them and for me as well.
he was the brother of my lola. My real Lolos are
dead, from both side of the family. I was 20 years old when i lost my lolo on the father side and 21 when my lolo
on the mother side passed away. It seems now that i can't really remember how i felt during that time.
All i know is that sometimes when i see familiar things or people that looks like them, i miss them.
But that's it. I miss them. No more longing that they are alive. It seems that i can be really coldhearted..but i would
lie to myself if i say otherwise. Have i moved on? I guess i did. Did i cry publicly? i have to... not because of what i feel
but because everybody else is crying. I got this feeling that if i don't cry people will tend to criticize me.. and i hate criticisms.. so i cried eventhough i don't feel like crying.
But i did cry alone in my room..nobody knew about it. What's the point of letting people see you cry? It's better to cry alone
you don't care how you look like.... you don't care how red your nose is or how messed up your face is.. hehehe! So here iam... still on the net, despite the death in the family. I can never be like
others.. who wallow in their sorrow. I can move on when i want to.... but i can wallow if i do want too. Maybe someday.... i'll understand why I'm like this . In the meantime i believe that death is the ultimate release for them and for me as well.
posted by jaded fool @ 1:54 PM
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