fear
Fear is something that I don't really want to feel. It's something that I don't need right now. And last night, while I was on my way home-- I realized how much I fear the fact of failing. I was thinking of the consequences, I was thinking of possibilities… And now, there's a tint of doubt in my mind. I doubt the statements that I have again and again reiterated in my past entries. Suddenly, last night I was not sure if my parents, family and friends would still love me if ever I fail the bar. Would they still believe in me? Also last night-- I realized that the BAR is not a battle against anybody-- it's a battle against myself. I do want to bring honor to my family and friends so much. I want them to be proud of me… I badly want them to be proud of me.
This fight is a battle I have to face alone. I can only depend on myself--- I'm doing my best.. Even though I know that in the eyes of the other people-- I may seem to be taking it easy…but My brain cells are drained everyday-- I'm mentally worn out. The thought of bar and the pressure they put on me-- are really wearing me out.
3 months before the bar… I'm still unprepared to face the battle. The Mental and physical battle is coming too soon.… I do hope that whatever happens to me and whatever the result of the bar is-- I just hope that I would be able to humbly accept that fact and be able to live once again a normal life.
posted by jaded fool @ 10:13 PM
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