rants and ramblings

using

I realized something and it's not good.

For 24 years, I molded myself not be used by anybody. I mastered the art of denial and pretensions. I have this bad idea about people that I meet. Specially when things are getting serious and they are getting closer to me. I have this feeling that they want to be near me cause they want something from me. Of course, you can't just expect me to trust people that I've just met. Trust is earned. But until such time.. I hold all people in contempt. I see them as devious, deceitful creatures. Everything has a purpose. Everybody has his or her own intentions. Don't get me wrong.. I'm not snotty or a snob. In fact, I'm friendly… I smile at people a lot-- I just don't trust them that quickly. So what's the problem? It takes a while for me to trust someone… weeks? Nah.. months? Nope. It took years for me to get rid of that impression. I wonder if this is something that is needed medical attention.

I don't have problems with my close friends. We have been friends for such a long time now... They've come to know me so well that they know when I'm in state of denial. Or pretending. I trust them with all that I am.

I have built a tall wall around me.. not all people can cross the wall. I refuse to be weak. The defense is always high. I have guarded my feelings. But then reality creeps inside my head and made me realize that, real life is about USE & ABUSE. You use people and people use you. Sometimes you know you are being used from the start and sometimes, you don't. You just realize it. Like now..