rants and ramblings

remembering lolo carding

We've just arrived from Lolo Carding's wake. He would be cremated today @ 2 pm. As the rest of my relatives mingle.. I see old & new faces… faces of relatives we hardly see except on situations like this. Numerous Tita's and Tito's all over the place and lots of nameless faces too see.. I sat there in one of the pit.. And I took out my pen and paper and started to scribe….

Sitting in the corner of this cold room. I stared at the coffin up front… lying inside is the lifeless body of my Lolo Carding, he was 89 years old. Finally… he's able to rest his tired body, mind, & heart. Finally he'll be able to join his departed wife, Lola Mameng.

When I heard of his death, I felt as if nothing changed.. life was the same. But as days passed, I've come to realize that I'll not be able to see him. Now, being in this room with him lying cold inside a box, I can't help but to feel sad… and I start to remember…remember the days that somehow I was able to share with him. When I was still young and living in Sta. Mesa, I remember that he would dropped by our house in his scooter and he would take me for a ride before he goes home. He doesn't know how happy he made me. I remember the times that he would tease me and ask for small favors… `the room feels so cold.

Some of his children are here, as well as some of his grandchildren… the room is filled with pleasant smell of flowers… a roomful of flowers… I remember the times that he spent alone in his house in Bulacan. I remember the times that he longs for his children's company and they are nowhere to be found. They have become to busy weaving their own lives… I am in the corner of the chapel observing the people that's coming in & out. Endless chattering about life, past and present in front of a dead person. Such a lively room… but in no way do I feel lively. I feel numb. If its any consolation, Lolo Carding will no longer suffer pain.. Worries and face problems. He has lived his life to the best that he can. He experienced life as it is. He is finally free.

The realization of death is creeping inside my head. How is it to die? Does it really feel like being born again? What were his last thoughts? Can one feel his soul drift away? Death gives me the creep.. I don't want to think about death when it's so nice to live. I don't want to think about my parents dying. I don't want to think about it now-- I'm getting afraid. I'd rather die ahead of the people I love. I don't want to be left alone… I don't want to be the one to face sorrow. I don't want to be the one left crying. I don't want to be the one who has to heal a broken heart and move on. I am that selfish. All of us would die sooner or later… Death is the ultimate release. It is the absolute freedom.