rants and ramblings

in limbo

Bon Soir, kulasisi!

I'm feeling quite odd lately. Realizing that I have to act like a grown up and attend to my life. I have to see things from a different perspective and I feel so lost. I really haven't been an adult. Yep, I may have seen and experience things in the past. But they were such trifle things that seem ordinary to other people. I know that the time has come to prove myself. To finally, pursue my goals and find for myself the real purpose why God has chosen me to live this long.

I guess this is how it feels to be in a limbo. Knowing things that you want but knowing not where to start. Pieces are scattered everywhere and I know it’s just a matter of putting them together. Finally, years after I've reached majority age -- I finally know what I want to do; what I want to have and what I want to achieve. Life is not about getting everything you want-- cause I know that there are things that I am better without. I am aware of that. It's just that, I feel so incomplete not having things that I want. Though I know that I don’t deserve them- I still yearn for it. I don't stop wondering how it feels to have it within my grasp. To use it or abuse it. There are even things that I yearn for, knowing that they are forbidden to me. Knowing that it would not do me good. And since I'm such an idealist -- I just keep the thought in me. Daydreaming about it once in a while. Pretending that there's something more than what there really is…

How come people like things that they don't have or things that they can never have? I've wanted things that I can never have -- and wanting just brought me pain, scarred emotions and tears. And here I thought I'm living a colorful life. Only to realize that these pains, scars and tears were just repetitious situations that keeps on conquering me over and over again. No added color, only more pain. I'm in limbo. I'm in the middle of knowing myself. Evaluating my self-worth… Looking at my past … and determining my future. I have grown up, intellectually and age wise. But emotionally, I still lack the conviction to offer myself to pain, rejection and all those shitty emotional torture.

I can't wait to grow up-- emotionally