lucky in games,unlucky in love
I woke up very early today.. as you can see from the time of this entry... I tried looking for a free ringtone for my new cellphone.. but much to my dismay... I haven't found any! So in order to release the stress that is slowly eating me up... I decided to write.
Hmmm.. Some say that if you are lucky in games you would be unlucky in love and vice versa.. This is so untrue! Sometimes, there are just people who can't win anything. Let's just take me as an example.. hehehe!! I mean.. i don't like gambling cause I'm a sore loser.. it really is painful to lose you know. Though there are times that I win (which is not all time.. daims!) I still feel awfully sad when I lose. Winning, i guess both in love and in games, have this exhilirating feel.. it gives you natural high. And I don't know any person who enjoys losing or hates winning. Anyway.. So in order for me not to lose... I just don't play. HEY! That reminds me of something.. Demmit.. I'm a frigging escapist. That's what I do whenever I'm at a brink of.... falling in.... for a fool. Before someone could hurt me -- I run away. Well.. running away has its pain.. but I have believed that the pain that I felt from running away would never be as much as what I would feel if ever I stayed. I tried saving myself by killing me.. killing what i feel.. taking all the possibilities that it would ever work out of my mind. I know you would think I'm an idiot.. I think of myself that way also.. Cause, I can't think of any logical explanation why I'm this way. This is what you call.. in-born tragedy. I cause my own loneliness... Do I enjoy being lonely too much? Jane said that I should find my toad and whatever the outcome is, I should Live with it. I can live with it.. promise. But the thing is... can he live with it? I don't want to live until I die knowing that I have forced myself on someone.. causing ourselves misery. That is simply not my idea of living.
Somehow I think I lack the conviction and determination to make myself absolutely happy. Cause you know what they say... You make your own Life. I guess I'm selfish in way cause I don't let anybody get in my life that easily (I don't know why..I just refuse to let them in) and I can really really ( i mean really!) be difficult to handle making your life a living hell. It's just take an extraordinary person to love an extraordinary me. .
Gambling is a risk... love is a risk. LIFE is about taking risks!
posted by jaded fool @ 5:26 AM
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