ay, ay, ay pag-ibig
Tragedy is around the corner. People dying.. rain pouring. Frankly, the weather isn't helping me at all. I always find myself staring at blank walls. People here in the house is starting to take notice of my lack of social interaction and lesser visits to the kitchen. At night, when the whole nation is sound asleep-- I would be staring at the ceiling, contemplating, thinkering my phone, writing, crying, hoping, and praying. This stage of depression is manifesting itself physically. I feel tired yet I could not sleep. And this afternoon, there's this numbness in my arms. I know this is brought about by lack of sleep. But I could not do anything about it-- as much as i want to rest-- my mind would be wandering, leaving me wide awake.
I have two support groups. One group is saying that I should move on and if I really love her-- I should let her go. They keep on telling me that I'm just bound to get hurt over and over again. But the thing is, sometimes-- letting go is not an option. Sometimes, you just have to fight for that thing/person that you wanted the most. They keep on telling me things that I don't have any intentions of doing. (Sorry guys.. ) The second one, they inspire me to keep on going and do everything to get her back. My heart gladly heard their suggestions. They inspire me to be brave, to swallow the pride in order to get back the person that matters to me.
I tried tiring myself up-- went to places I should not have gone to.... waited for something surreal. So this is how it feels to be stood up. Yes, I've been stood up by the person that could hurt me the most. Indeed, broken promises can break your heart. But, what is left there to be broken? I am broken. My whole being is being blown into pieces.
I went to SM today, to wait for the "text"... wandering around like a lost soul. Looking for something isn't there. Reliving memories and scenes. Remembering my first Last Full Show, our karaoke, our "california makki". I remembered them all. and even up to the time they're already closing the stores, I can't bear to leave and head for home-- cause she might text me. When it started to get late and it became evident that there would be no text, I find myself heading home for the _nth time feeling like a loser.
J and M were very helpful. They did not force me to tell them my story... they just sat there with me, waiting for me to open my heart. I hardly know them, yet, I found myself sharing with them my problems. I keep on talking about her. Her sentiments... the way our relationship flowed. I could have talked about her for hours... or for days... I could have talked about her endlessly.
L said that I'm strong and I could get through this. She said that I have to take care of myself... but I'm not strong. I am a weakling. That is the true me. I cover my weaknesses with pretensions. I pretend to be cool... I pretend everything is ok even when its not. But I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting to be strong. I don't see anything wrong with being weak.
Healthwise, I'm going to the dogs. This numbness in my arms-- I have never felt them before and its scaring me. My palate is malfunctioning as the food tastes like blah. I feel dizzy and exhausted.. ah bed... carry and cradle me into a sweet slumber, forgetting all my woes.. give me the peace that i need.
Life is about compromises. Accepting your fault. Asking for forgiveness. Persevering to right the wrong.
posted by jaded fool @ 10:07 PM
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