frustrations and endless struggle
Sometimes I think of other people and end up feeling jealous of the things that they have and though I know that we are all but the same when it comes to life's struggle--- i always end up concluding that they are STILL in a much better shape that I am. Family life is nothing but a bliss-- it always have been and I know it will always be. I do have a happy family, one that does not engage in too much controversy. My love life is getting stable one day at a time-- even in the occurence of few setbacks once in a while. Professional life is currently under construction as I am once again (I know you heard it all before) in the process of getting into the other side of the fence. I dunno what is on that side, but I do know that if I hurdle it-- it will make a lot of people happy. And ain't i such a pleaser? I am trying my best though my discipline is still rocky. I easily get distracted and I'd rather choose to be somewhere else rather than be with world of the builder in good faith, taxpayers, etc.. etc..
I want to get over this phase badly and PASS IT WITH FLYING COLORS. I badly want it that I could almost feel the frustrations ganging up on me. I no longer yearn to be an underpaid Paralegal, basically because I do not want to be in a workplace wherein I do not give my 100% performance. I hate it when i mess around with my work, thinking this is what they deserve for treating us like shit. I hate it when I intentionally or even unintentionally lax around. Deep in my heart, I want to work 8 hours a day, having that title ATTY. attached to my name... and earn money so I could make other people happy. I never did want to be a slave to anyone and I am not a philantrophist either. I know what I deserve and my bestfriend is right when she said that I should get out of there.
I have to admit that I am afraid. I have to accept it or end up backing out yet again. I am afraid but I am working on that.. my confidence would be my sword... my faith would pull me through.
Setback on love involves keeping secrets from me and calling an ex out of boredom. We had a fight a few days ago. I never thought the time would come that I would get frightened of her. I stared at her trying to see the person who told me that she loves me. She was holding my arms with so much force out of anger. And i got afraid that this would be the start of our physical fights, I know once she phsyically hurt me, that would be the end of it all. That is unforgivable just like womanizing and other stuff. I got scared of her. I really did. And though we are ok now, I know deep down-- I have become wary of her. Then.. I caught her on the phone talking to an ex. She got so afraid upon hearing my voice that she put the phone down. I asked her if she's on the phone and she denied it. So what I did was, I pushed the redial button and she freaked out. My trust was broken...and now when I don't see hun or if we are not together,thoughts filled my mind and end up frustrated, feeling betrayed and a little mad. Buset naman kasi di ba?!
posted by jaded fool @ 11:07 AM
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