rants and ramblings

sensitivity

I don't usually consider myself as a sensitive person… but sometimes, Jokes can really get into my nerve.. Isn't it true that Jokes are always half meant? I do hate it when I take the joke personally.. Shet! Sometimes, despite my age -- I can be really childish. Maybe this is the outcome of being the youngest in the family. I usually get my way by throwing tantrums and being overly sensitive. I'm even tactless at a fault-- because I'm straight, concise and brutally frank. You can't stop me from saying what I want. But I realized that it's is hard to be in the receiving end and it is shitty to have a taste of your own medicine.

Because of this sensitivity.. I sometimes, wonder if I am a retard or something.. Cause I do get mad at the silliest thing. What are those? NaH.. You would want my neck for it.. Maybe that's why some of the people I know got tired of me and leave me in my silent, abnormal world. Am I abnormal? Hmmmm.. now, that's a thought. When things gone crazy cause of my over reaction .. I spend the rest of the day, thingking. And when I'm alone.. I play the scene over and over again inside my head.. Thinking of the things that I should've said and the things that I should've kept inside. I'm really better in the replays. I wonder what could have happened if I have just shut my mouth.. What would happen if I have apologized and did not over react. Well.. Too late to wonder.. I only got the present now, and whatever the future holds I know that I will still get mad at the most childish thing you can ever think of. I guess that what makes me, ME. And despite the cheerful non-caring life that I lead -- I still get hurt.. I still get ashamed. And I realized that even through a joke, Truth is shitty once it is slapped right into your face… it is way too hurtful. I maybe childish.. I maybe over reacting.. I maybe overly sensitive… but pain is pain. You can only preserve yourself to let the pain go away or to shut from the truth.. I don't really know. There…..I had my blah moment, I should feel better now-- but how come I am not? I still feel stupid for letting a joke get under my skin. =( Maybe I am destined to be alone.. to be with no one except my writing. But even in writing I end up having a fight with my self. I better stop cause I'm getting scared of me already... Haayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy......