truth
Five days before her 21st birthday, I decided to call it quits. I know it is very informal and immature of me to break it off with her through text messages… but it is the only way I could relay my message since she has already fallen asleep. I discovered a lot of awful things today… and they all made me feel sad and depressed. Sad because finally I recognized that I am the loser all along, from the moment she decided to let the stranger in our lives—that awful july day. She has made her choice. I was so blinded to see beyond the empty promises… I was so blinded by my love. I was blinded by my belief that I am the best choice for her. I literally asked her back that day in December because I love her so much that I can not afford to see her living miserably.
I discovered some awful truths today. She was with me because… I was able to give her the comfort that she needed that time.. she was with me because she considered me as her lucky charm. She chose me because I could push her to reach her dreams. Each episode during that awful times creeps inside my head every time. I try not to think of them, honestly, but these things just would not go away.
When we got back together… I thought we would finally be ok… that we would both forget all about her and lead our lives the way we did before. Only this time, I made the commitment to be what I was not before. Numerous times I caught her still communicating with her.. calling her endearments.. confirming their still existing relationship. But I forgave her beyond all that transgression. When I could not take it anymore, I planned on leaving her and she asked me to stay and promised me that there would be no more “her” in our lives.. She promised me loyalty and honesty. Again, I forgave her. I forgave her until yesterday. I forgave her until today.
Today, I stopped making excuses for her. I try not to justify any actions. What could be behind those except selfishness anyway? My heart could not even recognize itself. Maybe I am so overly engrossed with my “fairy tale” that I forgot that in fairy tales— the princess and the prince charming.. love and care for each other. They share a love.. they share respect. It was a mutual love… not one sided-love affair.. not like my love. Yes, there’s no fairy tale… with her.
I don’t know if I would be willing to hear her explain… but honestly, I think they would be lies anyway…so what’s the use in that? Yes.. I am heartbroken because once more, I made a wrong choice. I gave my heart to the wrong person. I am heartbroken because I thought I could trust her not to hurt me. I am disappointed that I am not yet done with my journey. How often have I thought of her and me parting ways? Honestly, I have the gut feeling that we would… it saddens me to write about a failed relationship.. and it gets depressing more I write about it. To be honest, I love her.. I love her but I am not willing to be fooled anymore. I deserve honesty and respect. I do not think I’d be able to get that from her.. how could I stay in relationship full of doubt? How could I love a person whom I do not trust? How could I respect myself when in her smallest of actions—she does not have any respect for me?
I needed to be free.. I need to be on my own and think things over. Was I asking too much? Do I deserve it? My friends told me that she’s no good for me… that I deserve someone better. They told me to look for someone new. Yes.. yes.. it is nice to fall in love again.
But for now, I’ll just let myself heal…
Happy birthday to you.
posted by jaded fool @ 11:16 AM
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