rants and ramblings

patience and panic

Been to the (former) office for 3 consecutive days now. I'm processing my clearance for me to be able to get my terminal pay. Up to this moment-- I have received 0 calls. Imagine that... I know that God is testing my patience.. I got my answer when I was on my way home. I cannot question God for testing my patience, nope-- you just can't.

I am in the panic stage now-- i have given myself a deadline, that is the 15th of July to be able to get a job. If by that time--nobody has called me up, I am to take the bar. If I get called and accepted-- the bar has to wait another year. Yep.. I did bargain... and now I realized that I should have not done that. I should have not strike a bargain with God. Now he is not just testing my patience.. but also my faith. I am feeling all kinds of feeling whenever I think of work. I feel envy, I feel despair... I feel hopeless.

I was cool way back then--accepting the lost of job as if it's the best thing for me. But as it turned out-- I still can't study cause I am thinking of finding work. Then I was hopeful.. believing that somehow I would be able to get a new job. Have I become too confident? I don't know what went wrong-- and now, I am in the panic and despair stage.

I think this the De javu of a dream that I had-- the dream that I need to make a choice whether to take the bar or not. To take, because in my dream there's going to be a high passing rate. Not to take, because I was not prepared. I have felt the panic and confusion. That is what I am feeling now.

Chai said that we should look at the bright side and be optimistic. I can be optimistic when it comes to their cases but applying that in my case is highly impossible. I think the worst of me. At one point, I even wondered if I am worst than the rest of my (former) co-workers. I wondered how come they were able to get jobs and I am stucked here, feeling casted out.

It is so hard to deal with this emotion-- it is starting to ruin my self-confidence. Thinking I am no good.. thinking that they have something that I can not deliver. But I can! I can deliver-- there's nothing I could not learn if I set my mind on it.. I know I can do anything. All I need is someone who would give me that break. That is what I am praying for. Someone who would take pity on me and my resume -- someone who would give me that one chance to prove that I can do it.

I would never bargain with God again cause I know that God is good and he knows what is the best for me.