rants and ramblings

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride

Nope, I’m not talking about wedding rites. I am feeling this way toward finding work—“unsuited” and “unworthy”. I have reproduced my credentials so many times that my papers are all crumpled up. I have been to a numerous interviews, exams.. final exams.. final interviews.. yet, the bottom line of it all is that I am still unemployed.

So I ask, What the hell is wrong?

Is it my looks? My brain? my educational background? I am feeling so rotten because nobody wants me. This is rejection in one of its highest forms. And I hate feeling this way.

It seems that I have given them everything that they wanted (from my point of view of course).. I smiled a lot.. I was polite.. I tried to befriend everybody.. I tried to be honest (but they would just think that I am just pulling their leg).. I tried lying but I end up stuttering. I wrote as if I’m a poet—looking for words that would not only express my thought—but I had to use the thesaurus a couple of times to find more “complicated”, “professional” words.

My desperation is way above my head. I feel the stab of stress on my back.. and no matter how much sleep I get in a day, it just stays there to remind me that I am no use to anybody. I miss working so much. The thrill of facing the rushing metropolitan workers.. (yeah, I even miss the amazons of LRT), I miss the thought that you get to have some nice story after a day’s work. I miss talking about my co-workers (yeah, even those assholes) at home. I miss calling some place “office”.. I miss going to seminars.. I miss getting salary… and most of all I miss those Paid Holidays!!!

Life has never been this cruel. Well.. Considering my feelings right now, I do consider this cruelty. Rejection is a form of cruelty, isn’t it? *Sigh* I guess I’m expecting too much from myself and from these offices. And WHY NOT?! I was in college for 9 fucking years…. And got the license after gruelling, nerve-racking, tormenting experience of the review and bar exams.

When would this end? When would somebody call me up and say, “hey, atty. Can you start reporting on Monday?!”. That would be heaven.. that would be the culmination of my professional life. I know that the real work after that would suck big time—I would be working with people who would give me endless trouble… and I would not mind (or I could just kill them, and hide their bodies somewhere). But the jist of it all is that somebody took the risk of taking me in and I would forever be grateful. Swear.

The anxiety of waiting—of endless waiting for that matter—is just so tiring that I want to wail and give it all up. But then, I would look at my closed windows and see the sunshine outside—and I would feel a li’l better (this much -> . ) because I know that my time will come.. and when it does—it would be unstoppable, like the sunshine that could not be stopped from lighting my room. When that time comes, it would be a full vindication for this heartache and rejection. We all deserve some kind of justice and justice received in the abscense of killing or a backer – is something I am dreaming of. And yes, I am still waiting for it to come. Darn it.