rants and ramblings

heart's day

Went to work on valentine's day and survived.

I met D online a couple of weeks ago. And yesterday we finally met at the church to hear mass...it went okay and just what I told neth-- i don't feel the magic i felt the first time I saw my ex. Honestly, I think D and I are better off as friends. But she's the one here now. I have to make do with that. (I know I'm being an unfair bitch but...)We had a nice time talking although most of her jokes were really corny. I went home feeling light. I went home feeling wanted and liked.

Today, my supposed singles date did not push through. So I texted her that I got free time on my hands. She asked me to go to church with her. I said yes. So after office hours, I found myself going back to Quiapo. Then we went to Trinoma to have dinner. There were moments when she would put her hand on me or i would hold onto her arm or she would pinch me when I say something funny or witty.. I know she was trying her best to entertain me, but I just don't feel anything. You know? I kept on looking for that tingling feeling.. but it just wasn't there.

We talked over dinner. She asked me about my past, and I willingly shared my love story. And you know how it goes.. I kept on referring to my ex.. my ex was like this.. my ex was like that.. i kept on saying that I'm over G as if I'm convincing myself.

In my head.. I am comparing her to G, which I know is really bad but please, please forgive me for doing so!! What the heck..G is same height as me while D is taller. G is younger than me while D is the same age as me. G speaks with confidence while D is timid. Or if I saw something and pointed it to D, in my head I would be thinking "G would react this way". Everything was about G and so my comparison goes-- The first time G and I went out -- she accompanied me home-- she didn't even have any idea how far I live from Manila while D accompanied me to the terminal (I was disappointed, really). I feel protected when I was with G.. I did not feel that way with D. So much comparing led me to feel bad-- I suddenly missed my ex, G.

It was a dangerous ground that I trekked. I missed her-- I remembered her-- I yearned for her.. and with that came the realization that I am not over her. I want to feel her embrace.. I long to feel her breath against my skin.. I miss the smell of her and my heart breaks all over again. All of a suddenI feel the same pain and began asking again why it happend to us. It was her that I want to spend Valentine's Day with. It was her all along. It's her that I want. I felt the tears on my cheeks..and prayed that let it be the last time I'd be crying for her and the love that we both lost. Because to be with her would mean a million heartbreaks.. a cycle of love and pain.. a life so complicated that algebra is put to shame. I do not want to be there again.

To you, love was never a question between us. everything else is.

To D, thank you.

Labels: love, relationships