i shouldn't have
I was done with my workload and decided to browse the net-- thinking I was ok. I intentionally tried to rid the thoughts of ex from my brain for the past couple of days now and I thought I was able to brainwash myself into thinking that I was asleep for the past 4 years. But then you know, you don't lose 4 years of your life sleeping. Honestly, I still think of her at times. However, the good thing about it is the fact that I don't feel the pain anymore. There were times before when I would think of how much I love her that I would remember all the pain she caused me. But lately, whenever her thoughts creep inside my head-- I do not remember anything. I can barely remember the features of her face, her smell, the feel of her touch.. I can go to places we've been to and not think of her.
It was like I was reborn.
Friends tell me that it is a defense mechanism and I am not really over her (but i'm on my way there!!). I guess at one point, they're right. Hey, I shared 4 years of my life with that ahole. I lost myself loving her.
I visited her journal. For a brief moment-- I had a glimpsed of how she is doing. How life is treating her and all those shit. I should not have done that. I should have left it alone. The moment my eyes grazed the page, I begun to wonder if the entries were meant for me and felt a pang of pain in my heart. I immediately closed the window. I don't want to be back in that situation. I don't want to remember. I simply refuse to.
I hope life would be better for her though.. I hope that she'd be able to find peace of mind, contentment and the love that she deserves. I, on the other hand, hope that God would continue to bless me and protect me from all these evil lesbians. Hehe.
Labels: just venting out, love, relationships
posted by jaded fool @ 4:17 PM
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