Thursday, January 26, 2012

here we go again..



i'm not supposed to be in the office today. i am supposed to have a date with myself. but professionalism and duty beckons. i am feeling insecure at the moment and ugly thoughts are filling my head. you'd probably ask why..it's because i have been waiting for G. Hold your horses, she didn't ask me to wait on her. It is my own doing. which now makes me feel really, really stupid. so i went to seek comfort to that place she said i should go.

Susan.

and the lesson i learned today is that:
A good relationship makes working easier, parenting better, family time richer and gives you the time and space to work on things and be involved with things that make you you (separate and apart from your family and partner). That is what a good relationship and a loving partner does for you.
Source: Getting Past Your Breakup (http://s.tt/15n6B)


I think I have an issue with the "gives you time and space to work on things" since I always wanted to be with the person i am in relationship with. this fact really made me feel sad.. but i am willing to work on it. and as much as i wanted to text blast, i sat on my hand and pretended I had better things to do.

The same article also asked several questions which i want to honestly and bravely answer:

1. So why have you spent time in bad relationships with terrible people? Or not-so-good relationships with somewhat not-okay people?

Honestly, I had superhero syndrome that I thought I could influence my recent ex to change for the better. But it just became worst overtime. It was time to accept the truth: she's a jerk and not worth my time.

2. Why have you spent time with takers? Why have you spent time with people who narrow your life instead of enlarging it? People who steal valuable time from your work, your family, your hobbies, your “me” time? Someone who is such a chore there is no time or energy left over for you or for the things you care about?

It was reasonable at first, wanting to be with each other all the time. However, I have to give up seeing my friends just so we could spend time together.. which was not good since I do need other people in my life. Truly, I felt everything has become a chore.. and i ended up crying cause everything felt so obligatory. it took the joy out of giving and loving. i was just like a robot because i was made to believe (or i made myself to believe) that she could actually solve the problems she created. which of course, never happened.

3. Why do you want “someone” as opposed to someone great? Why are you afraid of being alone? Why do you settle?

There's this someone.. who may not be perfect but i know she's perfect for me. We might have our differences but at the end of every decision-- it was something borne out of a compromise. I am afraid of being alone because having a companion is a wonderful gift. I guess I settled because i was trying to made a point. a stupid one at that. besides, i had an instant available company when i needed one.. like to pick me up at the airport.. go to the mall with.. stuff like that.

4. What are your issues in and out of relationships that keep leading you to the dry well for water? And why are you spending SO much time trying to stay away from this person or spending so much time STILL thinking about the person who is so beneath you and your ideals and your morals and your good judgment? Why?
Source: Getting Past Your Breakup (http://s.tt/15n6B)

I've been swamped with lies and broken promises in my recent relationship. She's actually not a lost.. I actually get scared when she starts communicating with me again.. cause it means trouble. and i am tired of having that.

So there. I will read this again later when i get home. honestly, i am starting to feel terrible I just want to sleep it off.. :( please make tomorrow better.

please.

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posted by jaded fool @ 5:28 PM