grief work and letting go
it is time for me to be honest to myself. i know my relationship with the G was long over. and yes, there was a time when i wanted to have a second chance with her. but she's in a committed relationship now and i would just have to live with that fact.
from time to time, i secretly meet with P. she, like G, has a girl now. although she would insist that she's just nothing, that they are not together... the pictures-- the messages-- the circumstances all pointed to one direction. they are together. so why did i still meet with P despite this situation, you might want to ask me. she would meet with me for dinner, movie or just simple pleasures of life. but really.. i cannot stand her lies. i am way smarter than what she thinks of me. i effing told her that. she bought me a phone just this week. a present she said.. it's a sony ericsson xperia.. something that i've been wanting for so long. i stayed in touch with her cause after all the hard stuff that i've been through because of her, i believe i deserve to these simple indulgence.
it was something shortlived. these prizes comes with a high price. in the process, i sacrifice my self-respect and worth cause of these superficial things. my tears and my broken heart are more than enough payment for the time and money spent. i thought i love P.. there was even a time when i thought i loved her more than the G. It was probably brought about by the fact that she claimed that she's alone and i am the only family she had. but really, no matter how hard life was with her-- i am still feeling the hurt and pain brought by these circumstances. no matter one looks at it, i still have to accept the fact that i loss something.
So how messed up is that, right? and why would i be writing these humiliating facts about me here? cause i today, i know i have to do something for myself. i have to love and respect me. otherwise, i will be forever in this hellhole that i have built for myself. I do not want to lie anymore. I do not want to be in this situation anymore. I deserve something better.
So starting today, there will be no talking about the G or P. there will only be me.
to you koni, i am sorry i have forgotten all about you. i am sorry i dragged you into this. you deserve so much more and yet, i let you settle for something that's not even worth half of you. for that i can only apologize. i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for these pain and for letting you undergo such misery. no matter how broken you are, rest assure that you will be whole once again. i'll make sure of that.. or i'll die trying.
Labels: self-love
posted by jaded fool @ 2:24 PM
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