rants and ramblings

this is it..

Just got home a few minutes ago. I was somewhere in Manila formally saying goodbye to someone special. I have hurt her you see.. Just like what i did in the past. I know no amount of explanation will ever be enough.. Besides she'll just think they're bullshit anyway. I hate it when i cannot respond intelligently to what she was saying.. I was never good at talking back. I know it made me look stupid. I feel it. I have lied to her numerous times and she has good reason not to believe me this time. But i never lied about how i feel about her. I never lied when i ask for or give an embrace. Emotion is not something i could lie about.

Truth is, i got tired being second best. I got tired that i have to wait for an excuse so she could be with me. I grew tired with piecemeal of attention. I started to yearn for something more. Something like what we had before. But she made it clear, we cant be more than this... And i know in my heart--she could never leave her wife. There are times when i need a companion.. Someone that would kiss me and tell me it will be alright.. Someone i could confer with... Share my good news with.. Someone i could disturb..kiss.. Hug...or be with just because i want to. I spent days and nights consoling myself.. Patting myself at the back and tell myself i am tougher than this. But doing that can only sustain you so much. Nothing beats the warm embrace of someone you know cares for you. She doesn't have time.. And i got all the time in world. Bad combination. So i continuously entertain people whom i should run away from.. Cause she got all the time in world for me. Even if i don't call or text she would show up at a corner of my place of work. I ditched her numerous times.. And numerous times she would appear at my door and act as if nothing happened. I would welcome the company in response to desperation.. It gets too lonely when you are alone.. And when loneliness strikes you, it drives you to do desperate measures... unintentionally hurting people along the way.

For the past two years, i waited for a sign.. An inclination that someday, she will do something about our situation. But every time we fight, shed just say that we can never go back to what we were before. It broke me every time but i have to suck it up. Kahit oras lang.. Kahit paminsan minsan na text lang galing sa kanya. I guess what i am driving at is the fact that my future with her is vague... And my loneliness pushed me to someone who has all the time in world but will surely cause my downfall. Either way, my future is bleak.

The last few days before this grand hoolabalooh- we visited her family. her aunts.. her sister and it was a feeling of pure bliss..it felt so natural to be in that house.. To be with those kids.. But its all shortlived. There was even a time when it felt like i've finally made progress. I went to their house for the last time. I promised her that i will never bother her again after our talk. We did talk though half of the time she believes i am lying. She said all the things that would hurt me. Nothing beats hearing it in person. What i wanted to tell her is that i am sorry and i never lied about my feelings for her. I was forgiven but no 3rd chances for me. I have to accept and respect her decision no matter how hard it is. Nakakainis lang na khit sa kahulihulihang pagkakataon.. talo pa rin ako. I cried all the way home. I'm tired but wide awake. Sorry but ashamed. Breathing but dead. She said i should stay safe. I said, i cant promise it. Had she asked me to love her all the time. I would have said yes. So there blogger, a sad ending to badly started day. Give me strength to give her what she asked of me.

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out, love