rants and ramblings

hello blogger, I have been out of the loop for a year I think. So much have happened in that year that I barely have the time to write them down. I transferred office and went on my first out of the country workshop.

I spent the first half of 2015 at my old office. Went to Baguio for a seminar. I had my first cultural trip and chocolate drink at Cafe by the Ruins. Then June, I transferred to this new office located in a traffic congested area. I was given a service car and driver. I got exempted from wearing uniforms and filling my DTR. I get to work with new set of people. I was hesitant at first because the transition was not welcomed. So, 7 months after. I am still here. Thank God.

I think the highlight of my year would be my visit to Turin, Italy. It was a long flight, buti nalang maraming movies. I landed in Milan and took a train to Turin. Then I went to see my co-worker and we visited Venice. Lots of walking in Italy, but I loved every minute of it. I love Italy! It's really an awesome place. I would love to come back. Ang mahal lang talaga ng Euro. hehe. I stayed with my college barkada in Milan and visited the Duomo. I got a Swatch as a souvenir. :)

Heartwise, well the relationship with to you is dead. I believe it will never work out for us. But I never get to break up.. I just let it hang and wait until it dies. Anyway, this past week something ugly came to haunt me again. this familiar feeling of impatience and despair. I don't welcome them. I hope this is just a phase and I'll bounce back. Maganda ako. I am complete. I will survive.

Half of 2016 and I have a new boss. I felt sad that my old boss is leaving, but I guess that's just how life goes. Thank you for welcoming me back.

Labels: desires, dreams, friends, God is good, just venting out, relationships, self-love, travel, work related angst

hello blogger, i started on my new work today. it's scary and i did not sleep at all last night. i don't know, all of a sudden i started questioning myself and my competency. am i ready for this? should i embrace it? i gave a small talk early today, and i have to be honest about myself. this all new to me. something i never expected. i was aiming at a different position yet God give this to me.

I am thankful for all the people who trusted me. I hope I will make them proud.

To my Nanay, I know you are happy about this Nay. I miss you at times like this.  Please guide me that I may always do the right thing.

Labels: dreams, God is good, just venting out, work related angst

damn you blogger!

how come I can't publish my last post!! damn it! This is so frustrating.. you don't miss at all blogger.. not one tiny bit. =(

Labels: just venting out

my domesticated weekend

It's the first weekend of 2013 and spent it working on some document, tinkering my stuff, cooking and sleeping. I've always been a sucker for sleep so i make sure every weekend i have my 8 hrs ++ of sleep..siesta included. Saturday is my sleep day though i still wake up at around 6.30am to have breakfast with tatay..i spend my day in bed reading..sleeping. I always wash the dishes at night during weekends cauae ate is tired from work.. I also drop her off to work and i cook to give tatay a break. Sometimes i miss the inspiration to cook for someone. I would always pretend that ill be having a visitor so i van push my butt to crush some garlic or saute some onions. Tonight is one of those days.. And i decided to prepare some baby back ribs. It's my first time to prepare a marinade and it felt like i was conducting an orchestra. I am not even sure if what i was doing would be palatable. I crushed and rubbed like there's no tommorow.. With a roleplay in my head. It was fun.. Then it was lonely when its over. Just like that. I miss this simple joy of preparing food for someone special. I really do.

Labels: comedy, desires, family, just venting out, winner

one-liner

Umarte ng ayon sa angking ganda!

Labels: just venting out, my thoughts exactly, one liners

way forward

Once 2013 starts, i'm brushing myself of my past and work on my future. setting my goals and achieving them one by one. if you dont hear from me, you are part of the change that im making. good riddance bad vibes!

Labels: just venting out, self-love, winner

2012: my year ender

It's that time of year again when I count the blessings that i recieved for the year.. I would say this year has been good to my career cause i finally grew up professionally and i value my job more.I travelled a lot both in my work and leisure. my family and i get to see Palawan. Relationship-wise.. still longing for my long lost love.. broke up finally with P.. And decided to move on from what G and I were having, whatever taht is. I met someone who adores me like crazy.. but i have to wait till 2013 to see how it'll go.

there were a lot of catastrophes that made my heart break. this year i lost both Lola's.

no matter what, i am still thankful that i get to live the year..met new friends.. and accomplished a lot. To you God, you have always been wonderful to me. thank you so much for always having my back. i love you.

Labels: family, God is good, just venting out, love, moments, prayer, self-love, travel, winner

gmrc

Tatay asked where G is. I told him to just text her since he has her number. Whether he texted her or not is beyond me. I told ate about it tonight on our way home.. She said that she texted G And she was ignored. Bastos daw. G could have replied no or just give a lame excuse she said. That was the right thing to do. I fell silent and continue driving.. Ate is right.. Kung galit sa akin si G O kung ayaw na nyang makabalita about me... Di nya dapat dinadamay pamilya ko. They didnt do her wrong. I felt bad cause only a few weeks ago we were all happy in Palawan. Buhay nga naman.. In that case i guess i should do the same to her family. Yun lang.

Labels: family, ikaw kasi, just venting out

this is it..

Just got home a few minutes ago. I was somewhere in Manila formally saying goodbye to someone special. I have hurt her you see.. Just like what i did in the past. I know no amount of explanation will ever be enough.. Besides she'll just think they're bullshit anyway. I hate it when i cannot respond intelligently to what she was saying.. I was never good at talking back. I know it made me look stupid. I feel it. I have lied to her numerous times and she has good reason not to believe me this time. But i never lied about how i feel about her. I never lied when i ask for or give an embrace. Emotion is not something i could lie about.

Truth is, i got tired being second best. I got tired that i have to wait for an excuse so she could be with me. I grew tired with piecemeal of attention. I started to yearn for something more. Something like what we had before. But she made it clear, we cant be more than this... And i know in my heart--she could never leave her wife. There are times when i need a companion.. Someone that would kiss me and tell me it will be alright.. Someone i could confer with... Share my good news with.. Someone i could disturb..kiss.. Hug...or be with just because i want to. I spent days and nights consoling myself.. Patting myself at the back and tell myself i am tougher than this. But doing that can only sustain you so much. Nothing beats the warm embrace of someone you know cares for you. She doesn't have time.. And i got all the time in world. Bad combination. So i continuously entertain people whom i should run away from.. Cause she got all the time in world for me. Even if i don't call or text she would show up at a corner of my place of work. I ditched her numerous times.. And numerous times she would appear at my door and act as if nothing happened. I would welcome the company in response to desperation.. It gets too lonely when you are alone.. And when loneliness strikes you, it drives you to do desperate measures... unintentionally hurting people along the way.

For the past two years, i waited for a sign.. An inclination that someday, she will do something about our situation. But every time we fight, shed just say that we can never go back to what we were before. It broke me every time but i have to suck it up. Kahit oras lang.. Kahit paminsan minsan na text lang galing sa kanya. I guess what i am driving at is the fact that my future with her is vague... And my loneliness pushed me to someone who has all the time in world but will surely cause my downfall. Either way, my future is bleak.

The last few days before this grand hoolabalooh- we visited her family. her aunts.. her sister and it was a feeling of pure bliss..it felt so natural to be in that house.. To be with those kids.. But its all shortlived. There was even a time when it felt like i've finally made progress. I went to their house for the last time. I promised her that i will never bother her again after our talk. We did talk though half of the time she believes i am lying. She said all the things that would hurt me. Nothing beats hearing it in person. What i wanted to tell her is that i am sorry and i never lied about my feelings for her. I was forgiven but no 3rd chances for me. I have to accept and respect her decision no matter how hard it is. Nakakainis lang na khit sa kahulihulihang pagkakataon.. talo pa rin ako. I cried all the way home. I'm tired but wide awake. Sorry but ashamed. Breathing but dead. She said i should stay safe. I said, i cant promise it. Had she asked me to love her all the time. I would have said yes. So there blogger, a sad ending to badly started day. Give me strength to give her what she asked of me.

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out, love

growing up

getting old is easier than growing up. getting old means waiting time to passed by, celebrate your birthdays.. count the numbers. while growing old means taking on the responsibility, admitting your mistakes and living with lessons learned.

since my last entry, i've been through a lot of growing up. i got held up recently. the robber had a knife and he took my money and phone. i even had the gall to ask him quite nicely if i could retain all my cards. i think i'm still luckier than most of the victims i know or heard of.. i got my wallet back, i got all my identification cards, my credit cards and my driver's license. then a few days back, the flood came brought by Habagat, still i am lucky than most people i know.. while they lost their home-- we lost our beds and our dvds. Our house is now cleaner and most of the hoarded garbage have already been thrown out or given away. when it all happened we had to choose between our house and family. of course we chose family, my sister-in-law and niece had to be rushed and admitted to the hospital cause of fever, stomache, and diarrhea. it is scary. i felt like it was the end of the world.. i felt choked and trapped by the rain.. it was like a nightmare.

i remembered a time when i loved the rain so much... how come i am feeling paranoid about it now? anyway, we survived. i went back to work. we had our normal life back... but deep inside, i know i have changed. we have to think with a clear mind. we have to rise to the challenge and despite all the hardships, in the end you can proudly say you hurdled it.

Labels: family, just venting out, my thoughts exactly

nanay's day

hi world. It's mother's day today and as you may already know I lost my nanay five years ago. Somehow our lives did go on. But I do wish I could still remember her smell and the sound of her voice. Sometimes I wish I could still feel her embrace..my memories are silent to that kind of senses. I remember her tight embrace when I passed the bar but I no longer rememer how it feels. It would have been great if memories could also bring these kind of sense to us. I guess what I am trying to say is I still miss my Nanay. In her stead, ate became my Nanay. My father.. My friends.. My co-workers.. It took a lot of people to fill in that one huge gap nanay left behind. I am thankful for my family for always looking after me and somehow letting me loose when I need the space. Happy mother's day to my surrogate mothers. I am thankful and I do love all of you.

Labels: family, God is good, just venting out, love, my thoughts exactly, relationships, winner

supervising med-arb

Hi blogger, just woke up from a straight 8 hr slumber. My trip to koronadal was so stressful.. I almost got left behind, I got an excess baggage, and I was overly hungry. When I got there I was surprised that my designation had become a supervising med-arb. I laughed. I was not aware that I got promoted. Sure my responsibilities doubled or tripled even, but I thought it was so because I have to assist my boss.

Oh well.. I believe I have become more responsible in my work and finally, i've matured professionally.

On a not so light note, I am becoming anxious and frustrated with this so-called friendship with the G. She'd just call or see me when see feels like it... And I can't do the same to her. At times, she'd just ignore me.. Not even texting back... And i'd feel stupid cause I unintentionally wait for her. Ewan.. It's probably me.. Or her.. Or the world!sana lang i'd stop waiting. I don't want to wait anymore, I don't want to anticipate.. I dont want to get excited anymore. Cause in the end, I believe i'm the only one suffering and get into trouble. True, I do miss her a lot. True, I miss her company..our talks and a lot of stuff too. In truth, I am missing her so much now. And it sucks I can't do anything about it. :/

Labels: i am pissed, just venting out, love, travel, work related angst

my bestfriend J

My bestfriend J and I came all the way from college.. A long long time ago. We literally grew up together, experiencing stuff and going places. I would always stay at their home in las pinas just so we could go to the mall, get our nails done and window shop. She's a generous and a protective friend. Then she had to migrate. All of a sudden, I am by myself. But I was in law school and she would regularly call me. She came home for my bar exams in 2002 and again a month before my Nanay died.

The period in between, I lived my life according to what made me happy but I never told her anything about what's goin on with me or whom I am goin out with. I told J about G and she told me to stop whatever it is. She knows too well how this kind of relationship goes and she said I will only hurt myself. I took it by the ear and hope she'd change her mind and accept my decision. Of course, everything changed when the G came to las pinas to get me and I had to decide between my bestfriend and G. I went with G anyway and I didn't care if J would feel hurt or betrayed.

Our relationship went blah after that. I actually received a card from J that reads: To my bestfriend, you hurt me the most.

At the time, I didn't know what she's talking about.. Or probably, I just wanted to be with G so much I don't care if I lose her. So after all these years, j and I never really talked and I felt we drifted apart.

G said that I am her bestfriend too. But J said it was so because we were in a relationship. Honestly, I am feeling the way J felt when I suddenly took off. I am hurting cause the G left, just like that.

Anyway, I messaged J two days ago cause I am really feeling the blues, I didn't really expect her to reply but she did. She asked me how am I doing and told her what's goin on with me. Still fighting the odds to be happy. Her reply made me cry. She said, I am still here. I am just waiting for you. We're unconditional towards each other you know that. Lab.

I cried and cried. No matter how stupid you might think it is. I cried because I am grateful that there is still someone out there who loves me unconditionally.

I am going to new york by hook or by crook.

Labels: friends, God is good, ikaw kasi, just venting out, relationships

sarcastically funny

The development with the G left me crying half of the way home. It was in the darkness that I decided to be still and just let everything go. I was able to talked to her before I reached home but it didn't change anything. Everything is the same. All is as it was. So I rested.. Slept the whole day.. Ate my meals amd slept some more. I dreamnt of her..in my dreams I plead and literally ran after her. But she was firm in her decision to put everything on a halt.

And just like everytime the G would make me feel this way-- the ex would suddenly pop out of the blue. I got messages from P, which I really dont care about. It's just the timing is funny and if I weren't feeling bad-- this would have been a laughing moment for me. I also got a message from the guy I met weeks ago in greenbelt asking me for a date.. Hmmm.. Not really bad at all, I am seriously considering dating this guy. He is scaring the shit out of me pero bahala na si batman. If the means would justify the ends.. Then so be it.

Naalala ko lang kanina na nung nakaraang taon.. Sa twing mawawala si G at magpaparamdam si P... Umiiyak ako habang nirereplyan ko si P. Iyak ng iyak dahil andun na naman ako. Tulad lang ng pag iyak ko nung panahon na iniisip ko kalimutan si G at magmahal ng iba. I cried coz I cant imagine myself loving another. Engs di ba? Naisip ko lang na nung panahon namin ni G, kahit wala kaming vows at sinasabi nya palagi akong wala.. At kung anu anu pang isyu, Alam ko binigay ko buong puso ko.

Hayaan nalang siguro. Sabi naman ni susan.. Magmamahal ako ulit, may magmamahal ulit sa akin.. May mga bagay palang kasi akong dapat ayusin.

Sana dumating na yun.

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out, relationships, self-love

1 day at a time

day 1 is officially done. and i just need to pat myself for doing a good job. i literally struggled this morning in bringing my sun sim.. at the back of my head i want her to be sorry... to literally run after me.. but after a while, i asked myself.. is that what i really wanted? and the answer is no. i want to experience new things and i would not have that by doing the same thing. susan is really a great help. it processed my emotions and made me understand what i am going through. Of course, there is work which kept me busy the whole day.

i presided the deliberation on the labor code review today and i got feedbacks that i did a pretty nice job handling the flow of the discussion. at least there is one factor in my life that is blooming at the moment.. and i am grateful for that.

i also got a message from the G, reprimanding me for seeing P. i replied and went on with my day. I got 2 messages from P which i totally ignored. I just want to focus my time and energy on something that would appreciate me.

Of course when it is time to go home, i come home to a sad heart and there goes the questions again. I drove these thoughts away cause im tired from today's deliberation I just might find myself crying again. I already started my day crying.. i don't want to end it that way. I am sad of course, but i'll live and someday when everything has been forgiven and forgotten--- these things just wont matter.

Also, a friend invited me to go to Tagaytay this saturday afternoon. :) such a great opportunity to unwind from a week of tedious work and emotional havoc. I can't wait to get better and I am excited to meet the new me. Cause I am really banking on what susan said.. that once i am better, better people will surely come my way. :)

I am ending my day one with a lesson that I learned today: Forgive but give no chances.

I can do this.

Labels: just venting out, my thoughts exactly, relationships, self-love

broken all over again

before our last talk two days ago, i never gave much credit to G's claim that she and her girl are now separated. To me, it's just a lover's quarrel and reconciliation is always possible. no matter how busy she is at work, she'd always find time to reply to me. so when she suddenly became so quiet-- i wondered what's goin on. the ugly and undeniable truth is that her girl flew to cebu to reconcile with her. and based from the answers that i got from the G, they are back together.

it was painful.

yes, i do not have the right to feel pain because the G and I are not together-- but subtly i was hoping for our second chance. I have been very vocal about it. I couldn't breathe. I felt choked.. the pain was just too much. and that's the point i decided i have to let go. for the nth time in our lives, she has chosen another over me. my heart couldn't stand it. at the back of my head--- it felt like everything was doing great until this ugly truth hit me in the face.

she said she's glad i finally decided to make myself better. and i snapped back, telling her to cut the pep talk cause she's just making everything harder than it already is.

i wish for this pain to go away. it is clouding my head.. filling my chest with heaviness i just want to rid off. Ate said di naman daw kami magkasundo ni G. Or siguro talagang love niya si J kaya ganun, which made everything heavier and more painful.

a few days back, i had a dream about the G. in it i was crying cause she left me and I was looking for her everywhere. i woke up in tears. I never thought it was prelude for today.

So I cry today.. I will feel terrible today but tomorrow-- I am brushing everything off.

No more second chances.

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out, love, relationships

update

it's the 23rd of December and i am in the Office. Everybody has gone to their christmas holidays-- and i am here.. trying to figure out whether i should open this case file here. I don't feel like working at all. What i want to do is ransack the market and get everybody something not really expensive but special. The office is quiet.. not much activity is going on.. and it's going to be like this until next week. so anyway, i have been reading and i have been listening. and after all those self-nurturing, I had my 1st test yesterday and I think i failed it. Why? cause no matter how much reading i do, there's just no getting over my G.

reading and learning made me realize that i am also a bananahead. I am using other people as an escape. escape from what you might ask.. escape from the fact that on my own, i will never be able to stand for myself or for what i want cause i am too scared to hurt my Tatay, Ate or any of the members of my nuclear family. So when i eneter into a relationship..whether its bad or otherwise, i use that relationship as my escape. I have admitted that before.. they are my refuge when i am tired of my rural life. That is precisely the reason why despite the fact that a person has done me harm -- I just can't give up my escape route. in the process, i look for an absorber that can give me the same escape so i can let go of whatever is coming my way. that is why i am a bananahead (i think).

second lesson, i have to write down everything I love.. I love:

to have someone hold my hand securely.
smile from people i don't really know (not the malicious type..heller..)
traffic free road
people free mall
short lines
chocolates
giving
receiving gifts
able to buy things
seeing people i want to see
spending quality time with people i love
san miguel light
peanuts
cars
beautiful houses
happy family
hassle free workplace
outputs
friends
spending time with friends
moolah
shoes
bags
perfumes
happiness
strength
courage
overcoming trials
living up to expectations
kind boss
loving sister
doting father
hassle free ride home
food
health
gadgets
travelling
airplane
beaches
sunny sky
white sand
trinkets
kissing
embracing
loving wife
good friend
beautiful movies
books
singing
me.

this is my list so far. hope it expands in the near future. advance merry christmas to all. :)

Labels: family, funny, ikaw kasi, just venting out, self-love

getting there

so after a few days.. here i am writing again.. actually feeling better. Thanks to my good, reliable friends. But I never did expect to hear her name so early in the morning or even news about her. It got me off-balance. I just have to run to my room, connect to the internet and let it this out. I am happy though that she's doing great.. I was just unprepared. I really do not know if something is wrong with me for feeling that way-- or i've really gone crazy. I do hope someday soon, i'll be able to get my answers.

In the meantime, I am having a great week at work. So effing laidback. :) Going to SMX today to celebrate our 78th anniversary. Hope I win the house and lot or the 26k moolah. If i get the moolah-- i'll drink to my hearts content. If i get the house and lot, imma sell it and then transfer somewhere else. that is my game plan, don't tell anybody. =D

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out, work related angst

sunday morning

i just spent half of the night waiting for G. sleeping but subconsciously waiting. it's been raining last night-- what if she comes? i want to be awake so i can open the door fast. but she didn't. so here i am, lacking sleep and feeling shitty.

but there were signs. i just chose to ignore them. just like the way she ignored me. so why did i still wait? cause in my stupid head i thought i am worthy of her time. so much for someone so insignificant. i am hurt and it's all my fault i didn't listen to the warnings. why do i have to be so effing stubborn? how could i ever forget not to play with fire? so alright, i'll say this again.. i brought this to myself. this is something i felt and did on my own. i have to own responsibility for it.

i have lost her too many times in the past and if she doesn't want me in her life...i think i can handle it one more time.

in this world where only a few matters, i don't think my presence or absence makes any difference in her life.

time to do what is right. i am letting it slide.

Labels: i am pissed, ikaw kasi, just venting out

movies misleads

how come in the movies they can easily let the person they love go? in a typical scene, the man/woman would confess about falling in love with someone else and how they're very sure that this is the one. and then, the person being dumped would just say-- i want you to be happy and boom. they move out of the scene. how come the movies don't show that you don't let go of the person you love. fuck, not without a good fight. not without leaving stones unturned. not without doing desperate acts just to get him/her back. to the point that nothing you could ever do would make that other person to take you back, so you just give up. dapat ganun. because that is reality.

E said it's the movies, if they will capture everything it'll take more time to finish.

which is of course true but the point is, it will never be easy. and a single scene for this is not enough i guess.

that's why i love One More Chance, The Notebook and When Harry met Sally (among others!). these movies i really relate to. something you can immerse in.

yeah, they should make them like that.

Labels: just venting out, my thoughts exactly