rants and ramblings

I was not able to get my much needed rest because I uncovered some awful truth. It sucks that even in my sleep, the nightmare continued. God is still good, He gave me the truth that Im looking for. He prevented me from being used for the  convenience of others. Such a heartless act,isn't it? Using someone for your interests. 

Labels: ikaw kasi, love, relationships

Lagi nalang nagmumukhang tanga. Sana matapos na to. Sana makaya ko na. 

Labels: ikaw kasi

Inakala ko talaga na sa akin umiikot ang mundo ng lahat ng tao. Ngayong weekend na to, napatunayan ko na hindi.. Ganun rin naman napatunayan ko na maari ring hindi sa kanila umikot ang mundo ko... Marami akong pwedeng gawin tulad ng pagbabasa.. Paglalaro ng gadget.. Pagpapalinis ng kotse, pagluluto,  paghatid at sundo sa kapatid ko...maraming tulog..at higit sa lahat..ang pagkanta. 

Labels: ikaw kasi

throwback monday

I opened my mail. i looked into the folders and i found a lot of this in there. it made my heart melt.. made me remember how in love we were.. how naive  and how it all end up here. i am posting this just because it made me remember. come take the journey with me as i re-live a part of my life that would always take my breath away.

baby tat ko...

there is never a day, nor a night that i don't dream of you..

never a minute that i don't think of you..

never a second that i don't breathe for you..

i believe that there will never be a second that i won't love you..

never be a minute that i'd look not for you.. 

never be day, nor a night that i won't long to be beside you...

you've given me a fuller and much better life..

i could not ask for anything more than what you give me--the happiness and contentment in the heart is so much more than what the whole world could amount to...

you are the best thing in my life.. my special angel.. i love you so much tat... --

i hope you will remember how good it felt, how good we were together and how your words would always make me feel beautiful.  it is sad we have to grow apart, meet new people and live our lives separately. but always remember this, no matter what-- you will always be my greatest. happy may 20. i miss you. i really do.

Labels: ikaw kasi, moments, my thoughts exactly, relationships

gusto ko

... sabihin mahal kita.
...malaman mo masaya ako kapag kasama kita;
...ibalewala ang bukas twing hawak ko ang kamay mo;
...ang nararamdaman ko kapag nasa tabi kita.

Gusto ko... Pero hindi yun ang gusto mo.

Lilipas ang oras. May isang lilisan at may isang maghihintay.

Kung kelan magbabalik,  walang nakakaalam.

Bawa't araw.. Bawa't hudyat ng pagkakataon. Inaasam. Umaasa.

Iba ang gusto mo sa pilit na ginugusto ko.

Gusto ko lang.

Labels: ikaw kasi, moments, relationships

tsk..

i hate what i am feeling. i hate this yearning down in my core. it's familiar and i try not to  recognize it.  But Just like water and air.. it is something that cannot be contained.

so i am writing it down, like a therapy. in hope that once i acknowledge it-- it'll pass and i'll be back to my usual self.
I have been like this for a couple of days and i am feeling agitated. I am worried that I am back to that place where I had been years before.

I just need to keep busy. Focus on something else aside from this feeling or that person who triggers this in me. I am being impatient.

I miss you and I am not doing anything stupid or something that would scare the shit out of you.

I'm sitting on my hands. literally.

Labels: ikaw kasi, relationships

letting it pass

Im learning not to do anything. just to sit on my hands when im tempted to do something about my feelings. i miss her but i will not do anything about it. i dreamnt of her and i got worried.. enough to make me get my phone and draft a message.

i did not send it. i deleted it slowly..word per word.. probably the wind will just bring it to her. and for now its enough.

i miss you from the bottom of my heart.

Labels: ikaw kasi, love

music

is the language of my heart. i had a tough start this morning.. and i promised myself for the 100000000000th time that i will never let anything like that happen again. i am trying really hard to ignore these emotions. i just lose it when it comes to her. she could easily rile me and hurt me. all at the same time. it pisses me off that even after all these years, she can still easily make me cry.

so i turn to music. i wrap myself to its magic.. hoping the balm will simply work and let me forget. each time, i remind myself i have to try harder. i have to breath deeply and shake it off.

 no matter which way i see it, i am the one in the losing end. anyway, i'll be turning 12 years old with blogger tomorrow. Happy anniversary dear journal. :)

Labels: ikaw kasi, relationships

gmrc

Tatay asked where G is. I told him to just text her since he has her number. Whether he texted her or not is beyond me. I told ate about it tonight on our way home.. She said that she texted G And she was ignored. Bastos daw. G could have replied no or just give a lame excuse she said. That was the right thing to do. I fell silent and continue driving.. Ate is right.. Kung galit sa akin si G O kung ayaw na nyang makabalita about me... Di nya dapat dinadamay pamilya ko. They didnt do her wrong. I felt bad cause only a few weeks ago we were all happy in Palawan. Buhay nga naman.. In that case i guess i should do the same to her family. Yun lang.

Labels: family, ikaw kasi, just venting out

free to choose

After the disaster that happened thursday night. I knew i have to do something about my life and where i want to go. I cannot change it by going through the motions again, meaning taking what is already avaikable. I need to start clean this time. I hope i was able to get the message through and pray P will accept and respect it. I am worried though that after a few days, she'd again appear on the corner of my building. Ayaw pa rin nyang tanggapin na ayaw ko na. But i have to insist that this is what i need and whether she likes it or not, my decision can't be changed. After all the things that had gone through, i deserve this peace of mind i am demanding. It's good she have friends now and found someone who will take care of her. It means i will be less bothered. First day of my new life. I will see a movie with my lyka and luis. Relationship can come in anytime.. As long as i am free. This time i'll do good. Bye blogger. Until next time.

Labels: God is good, ikaw kasi, relationships, winner

this is it..

Just got home a few minutes ago. I was somewhere in Manila formally saying goodbye to someone special. I have hurt her you see.. Just like what i did in the past. I know no amount of explanation will ever be enough.. Besides she'll just think they're bullshit anyway. I hate it when i cannot respond intelligently to what she was saying.. I was never good at talking back. I know it made me look stupid. I feel it. I have lied to her numerous times and she has good reason not to believe me this time. But i never lied about how i feel about her. I never lied when i ask for or give an embrace. Emotion is not something i could lie about.

Truth is, i got tired being second best. I got tired that i have to wait for an excuse so she could be with me. I grew tired with piecemeal of attention. I started to yearn for something more. Something like what we had before. But she made it clear, we cant be more than this... And i know in my heart--she could never leave her wife. There are times when i need a companion.. Someone that would kiss me and tell me it will be alright.. Someone i could confer with... Share my good news with.. Someone i could disturb..kiss.. Hug...or be with just because i want to. I spent days and nights consoling myself.. Patting myself at the back and tell myself i am tougher than this. But doing that can only sustain you so much. Nothing beats the warm embrace of someone you know cares for you. She doesn't have time.. And i got all the time in world. Bad combination. So i continuously entertain people whom i should run away from.. Cause she got all the time in world for me. Even if i don't call or text she would show up at a corner of my place of work. I ditched her numerous times.. And numerous times she would appear at my door and act as if nothing happened. I would welcome the company in response to desperation.. It gets too lonely when you are alone.. And when loneliness strikes you, it drives you to do desperate measures... unintentionally hurting people along the way.

For the past two years, i waited for a sign.. An inclination that someday, she will do something about our situation. But every time we fight, shed just say that we can never go back to what we were before. It broke me every time but i have to suck it up. Kahit oras lang.. Kahit paminsan minsan na text lang galing sa kanya. I guess what i am driving at is the fact that my future with her is vague... And my loneliness pushed me to someone who has all the time in world but will surely cause my downfall. Either way, my future is bleak.

The last few days before this grand hoolabalooh- we visited her family. her aunts.. her sister and it was a feeling of pure bliss..it felt so natural to be in that house.. To be with those kids.. But its all shortlived. There was even a time when it felt like i've finally made progress. I went to their house for the last time. I promised her that i will never bother her again after our talk. We did talk though half of the time she believes i am lying. She said all the things that would hurt me. Nothing beats hearing it in person. What i wanted to tell her is that i am sorry and i never lied about my feelings for her. I was forgiven but no 3rd chances for me. I have to accept and respect her decision no matter how hard it is. Nakakainis lang na khit sa kahulihulihang pagkakataon.. talo pa rin ako. I cried all the way home. I'm tired but wide awake. Sorry but ashamed. Breathing but dead. She said i should stay safe. I said, i cant promise it. Had she asked me to love her all the time. I would have said yes. So there blogger, a sad ending to badly started day. Give me strength to give her what she asked of me.

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out, love

stupid

.

Labels: ikaw kasi, moments

the bitch called life

You start to lead a quiet life when you learn to be content with what you have. Once you have settled this with yourself, you learn to appreciate people or things you already have. I always wanted to have a quiet life but the choices that i made gave me nothing but trouble. Relationship wise, i made bad choices. From a player to trouble maker.. I just ended up crying and worrying.

I want it simple, someone to love me.. Someone i could love in return.. I never wanted to be a 2nd woman... I never wanted to be an option. Someone you see when the cat is away. I deserve more than that. Sadly, being the stubborn person that i am.. I went with the flow.. Hoping one day things would just magically cure itself and voila! Everything will be okay.

It will never happen. I have been too blinded to see that i will never be the choice. Yes i can be a good option.. An ego booster when one is feeling down.. Someone who would make herself available.. for awhile i voluntatily let myself be used in whatever convenient way possible. Im tired of fighting the odds for you. Im tired of waiting. Im tired of you playing with my emotions. You are unfair and undeserving of anything good i can offer.in tagalog, wala kang kwenta. Please fuck off.

Labels: ikaw kasi, love

alam ko na to

hi blogger.. I know I have been remissed of writing. Work is demanding tenfolds of my time. My private life is still a mess. And i'm still a stubborn woman. Around me are depressing events like death and controversy in the family. With this rain, i'm feeling melancholic and lonely. I wish life could be more kinder to me. It's lonely working out things by myself. I need a companion, a partner who will be my source of strenthe when I am growing weak. Someone who will push me to be brave when I become afraid. I am pleading to God to show me where to go. After all these years, i'm still yapping about the same thing and i'm still feeling like a lost teenager. God, if you please. Save me from this loneliness I brought upon myself. Please guide me to be a better person.. To be the best person I can be.. To be more kinder, more compassionate to my family and friends.. To be more understanding of my enemies.. To be prepared for the person you created for me. I may not be perfect as an individual, but I will do my best to be perfect for my partner. Thank you for blessing me all the time.. And for making me feel better. I offer you the week ahead, and may everything start and end with you. Amen. I know my Nanay is not happy when I am lonely or sad.. It is times like these that I miss her more. I am tired of this heartache.

Labels: ikaw kasi, my thoughts exactly, relationships

weekend getaway.. NOT!

after all the hoola baloo, i fell asleep thinking everything is already settled... my flight is booked and i just need to worry about packing. a family emergency arises, but i have already set my mind in going away. i woke up early today cause i need to pack for the weekend. i got my backpack and reported for work as usual. then it just went out there-- i don't have anywhere to go to tonight and i don't have a booked flight. when i was asked if i would go (for the Nth time) i just have to say No. So I am going home tonight.. with my bag.. and my weekend plan. goodtimes.

Labels: ikaw kasi

and so it goes...

I hate it when I let my emotions run high.. And I start to question myself if this is what I want. I can't help but be vulnerable to her existence. It's just something I cannot ignore. So I gave in. I dwelled in the pleasure of her company as long as I can.. I willed time to slow down, even for once. Her scent captivated me. Capturing me in that moment. But I dare not interpret the things more than what they really are. I will not open myself to that kind of torture. I just can't go throught that again. My heart is prepared not to hear from her but it didn't stop me from peeking at my phone. Whatever goes on that part of her life is hers and I know I do not have the right to intrude. I will listen to her if she needs someone, I will see her whenever she can...and in a higher form of love, she would alys be mine and I hers. We're like raindrops..we go where the wind takes us. Until that moment that fate and time would make it happen.. Life goes on.

Labels: God is good, ikaw kasi, love, my thoughts exactly, relationships

let's write

I have to admit we've become strangers. Funny that we used to know each other so well. At least we are not enemies.. And i'm sure if ever we'd see each other- I could look at her and say hello. It used to be so hard seeing her go.. I choke when we have to say goodbye. I used to think of our could have beens. But all these are just things from my past.. Something I have outgrown. I can even go on a day without thinking of her. Cause what is there to think about? To hope about? Nothing. All we have are just memories. A thing of of the past. Our chance. Sadly, it didn't work out no matter how hard we tried. It caused us buckets of tears and disappointments..but i'd rather be reminded of the laughters we shared, the friendship that we developed and the lessons we learned from each other. it is nice to remember that once in our lives, we were each other's everything. So i'll live my life and soon I know i'd be talking about new people and how my relationship with them bloomed or fail. I will still be writing of my laughter. My tears and whatevr that may happen in between. For today, I can safely say I am over you.

Labels: ikaw kasi, love, my thoughts exactly, relationships, self-love

lazing

I want my break.. My work week is tiring ang stressing the hell out of me. I love to sleep but I never felt so deprived of it until this saturday. To top it all, I dozed off at 9pm on a saturday night!! I was planning to watch a movie but sleep just blew me away. I want to have a week of relaxation, nothing to think about..just me and my much needed rest. Of course I thinkk the beach is out of my list since summer is almost over.i want to be rejuvinated and be surrounded by beautiful and luxurious things. On a better note, I think I am okay.emotion wise, I have come face to face with the truth that the G is gone and will never come back. I'm good with that.i actually doubted myself that I am fine but it turned out true. I would even initiate conversations with her through texting or messsenger.. Eventually, I stopped it one by one. Nobody wants to feel stupid and when that constantly happens to you.. You push yourself to stop doing that what hurts you. And you unlearn to do things that you just acquire by time. Susan is right. I can do this. :) i maybe alone but definitely not lonely.loving myself is a great thing to do and I should do it regularly. I'm not fully recharged, but i'm ready to grind! Here's to a better life.:) cheers!

Labels: God is good, ikaw kasi, love, self-love, work related angst

pruning

today's gospel was about pruning. Sabi ni fr. Faller, nawawala mga tao sa buhay natin dahil kinakailangan ito para sa plano sa atin ng Diyos. We do not have what we do not need.. Ayaw ko isipin na nawala ka dahil hindi na kita kailangan. Ang alam ko, nawala ka dahil yun ang gusto mo. Makalaya sa nakaraan nating dalawa. Hanggang ngayon iniisip ko, bakit napakadali sayo ang hindi ako makita o makausap.. At naisip ko, bakit naman hindi? E kumpleto na buhay mo kahit wala ako. Kung anjan ako o wala, pareho lang din ang buhay mo. Katotohanan. Nakakalungkot.

Labels: ikaw kasi

so I am told

Aries May 5 2012 In the United States, "Cinco de Mayo" which is today, is supposed to be a celebration honoring Mexican heritage and pride. But many people use the occasion to go out and drink and party until they are sick and exhausted. That's not much of a tribute. Someone you know has a funny way of showing respect or trust or caring toward YOU. He or she uses strange excuses to explain away certain behaviors. This is not your fault, nor do you have any responsibility for it. Until your friend or loved one grows up and can treat you with the love and respect you deserve, then you need to celebrate yourself on your own. -- Copyright (c) DailyHoroscope. Download it now -- http://bit.ly/DHmobile -----The last part strucked a chord. Yun lang.

Labels: astrology, ikaw kasi, my thoughts exactly, self-love