rants and ramblings

in my head

Here I am hitting the keys of my keyboard not knowing what to say or do… I opened my winamp player and enclosed myself with music.. . hoping that with its melody -- my worries and my pain would go away… I keep on typing as I sink into a deep trance and daydream, daydreaming of the things that I used to have and things that I am longing for… as the room become more spacious …. One by one, I disregard the existence of the bed, the closet and the things that surrounds me-- I find myself more relaxed, I can feel the air against my skin as it comes through the window… passing me by as it goes out to the door… I enclosed myself again within the security of the melody.. humming once in a while to the words…I feel it…breathe it.. I lose myself.. I remember things and emotions… images flashes inside my head…giving me an emotional trip or a trip down to memory lane-- reminiscing things that I'm not ready to remember…. Each song, each beat-- touches a part of my soul.. Making me bolder and bolder as images keep on pouring in… it rekindle certain memories and create new dreams… I just type… type.. type.. Hitting the keys.. Capturing my thoughts…. My dreams…. Memories and save them for me to remember this moment or just to share it with people who gives a damn… It disturbs me that I can't trust people that quickly-- I can't trust them unless I am sure that they are fully faithful to me… and all that I am. Where on the other hand… they're just doing the same thing.. I often dream of doing things that I haven't done before, something different…. Original. I want new things…. I want to meet new people… experience life. I want to be free from these shackles around my heels. I want to be free from all expectations. For once I just want to do things that I want, taking my own time…. Living each moment-- making each move, each decision something worth remembering. It's tiring to see the same old scenery and be in the same situation-- solving same old problems all the time. I'm afraid that I would fail.. Somewhere in my past I can feel that I've failed somewhere and I've failed someone…. Making it hard for me to move on with my life and see a clear future… Something is weighing down my soul--- making it hard for me to do things that I badly want to do… it’s like I can't do this or that because I got this obligation and that duty… I live a carefree life--yes-- but it's not the life that I want to live. I badly want to do things that would make me happy-- things that would make me understand the way I am.... How I came to be this way… where am I heading…. What's ahead of me. One thing I like is that I don't get tired of dreaming and hoping-- that one day-- things would change and I'm going to be complete… then, my soul would be free and the wind can take me where it want to take me. I would go willingly....