lessons learned the hard way
If life is a teacher I think she’s one mean bitch. The one that’s unpredictable—leans to favoritism at times and vindictive.
When she decided to teach, I had to suffer numerous sleepless nights.. a thousand what could have beens.. and shed gallons of tears. Why can’t I just learn the easy way? Why does she have to take them out of my reach or out of my life?
On my way to work I realized that teacher wanted me to meet all these people so I’d realize G’s worth, her efforts and all the beautiful things that she is. I’m too stubborn to admit that I really have a problem when it comes to sensitivity. And this insensitivity has always been the root of my emotional problems. Also, I suffer from a serious case of cowardice. I fear expression because I would always think that the other person would reject me or my thoughts would not be accepted. Neither do I want to be tagged as emotional (which I realized I really am), or clingy (which I also realized I am.. sucks right?). Also, I assume a lot. And it is always in the negative way. I remember G telling me to ask first and not to assume anything. For I wouldn’t really know if I wouldn’t try. But this fear overwhelms me. Negative thoughts would flash into my head that even before I try—I am already retreating.
I know my chance passed me by and it's too late to do anything now. In the meantime, I shall wait for teacher to give me that chance again. I just hope that when she plays favorite-- she would choose me.
Friends would say that I deserve someone better—I don’t want somebody better, I want her.
And in my vulnerability, I bare my true feelings.
I opened my heart once again
There she firmly stood
Like a victorious warrior.
posted by jaded fool @ 9:28 AM
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