wicked
since everybody wanted me to move on, my friends set me up with the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who happens to be looking for a girlfriend. No, i'm not looking for a partner at the moment. I just want to meet people. Hell.. I'm not going to be tied up. Not now that I have so much to do. Besides, I'm still in the process of reviving my old cool self.
so anyway, in order to prevent from being tagged as an ingrate, i just try to be friendly and accomodate them. Hmm.. so where do I start? Let me see.. a recap, I had D, K, P, M, M2 and D2 (someday I would not remember what these letters stand for).
I ditched them all.
i've written about D and P here. I don't like K because she's not funny or bright enough as there would always be dead air when we talk. hehe. M is married, automatic disqualification. Hell.. when she broke up with the wife, I got scared because I don't think I like her too. No..they should not separate, certainly not on my account. Last I heard-- they got back together (thank you Lord!!) P became a friend and a constant caller. Did not directly ditched her.. but apparently I ignored and pushed her away. We're still friends but it's kinda weird now. D2 and I met only once but I already told her a hundred times that I don't like her. And yet, everyday-- she would ask me if I like her, which i always answer in the negative. She would try to make me laugh with her jokes. But they're not even half funny. Everytime it happens-- i would always lash on her. Said she would wait for me. I don't know how long she could stand my temper and waiting. She even called me "matigas". Ampfft. M2 was from a not so distant past. When G and I broke up-- I saw her online and started talking again. After a few talks I lost interest..she was not as interesting as she was before, so i stopped talking to her altogether.
My friends would reprimand me because I did not give any of them a chance. But I'm feeling kinda weird right now. I want to be loved yet I run away everytime opportunity comes. Ewan.. I feel like someone out there is waiting for me. And I don't want to be sorry that I rushed things. I know that person will find me. And when that time comes, i will be ready. I don't want to be in a relationship right now because I lost myself in the last one. I am slowly picking myself up..fixing the broken pieces and hoping that one day, i'll be willing to trust and love again.
I know it's bad of me to hurt these people. But everytime I hurt, I would always encounter and hurt them in the process. It wasn't their fault I was in pain. But nevertheless, I end up cutting them into tiny pieces. I never did apologize to any of them. Not for the hurtful things that I said...not even for making them feel stupid. so as a sign of repentance, here's an open letter to all of you:
To you, I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass. I didn't mean harm. I'm sorry for the things I said that caused you pain, for making you feel unlikable, unlovable, or inadequate. I apologize if by some way I led you on or gave you a mixed signal. Thank you for your attention. I know everything would have been different had we met in a better situation. I'm just not the one you're looking for. From the bottom of my heart please accept my apologies.
Labels: just venting out, relationships
posted by jaded fool @ 12:54 PM
<< Home