ascension
I had second thoughts about writing tonight because this feeling might not last. But I have to recognize it, its calling on me and I just have to give in. I was purely at peace since yesterday. No pain. No hurt. Not even memories of G could dampen my spirits. I was in church yesterday and the gospel was about resurrection and ascension. If I didn't know any better, I would say the gospel was for me. The priest said that blessings come in all forms, sometimes in the shadow of loneliness, pain or struggles. But we just have to believe that at the end of our struggle lies our resurrection and ascension. I cried during the service yesterday. I cried for all our pain, our struggles, and our loneliness. I cried for everything beautiful and ugly. I cried for forgiveness. I cried praying for my ascension. And then peace came.
I was in high spirits the whole day.For the first time I could talk about her and not feel anything. Not that pain. Not even hatred. Just nothing. I could remember places and things that we used to do, be reminded of what we were and what we are -- and still feel that everything is going to be fine. I can feel my heart beating-- slow and fast, just like the way it used to. I sigh with relief that hopefully.. this is where it all starts. Moving on is a hard step to take but one that I am willing to do.
I don't want to lose this feeling. This is what I have wanted and waited for so long. That inner peace and assurance that in spite of it all, someone out there is willing to love and take care of me.
I'm not saying I'm totally over her. I know there would be days when I'd be downtrodden, I'd probably cry from missing her. I know I'd still write about her. I would always think of her. The only assurance I guess is the fact that someday, I'd think of her and would not feel anything. Just like what I do now.
In the stiillness of the night, I could hear my heart thump to the love songs I play in my head...
posted by jaded fool @ 11:34 PM
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