What have I learned in all these?
*disclaimer: sorry if this post is too long. but i really really got relieved after putting it all down. :) again, sorry.
1. Love wherever it comes from looks the same.
I was actually praying for a boyfriend or a soon-to-be husband when we met. I was so reluctant to take the plunge because this relationship suffers from a lot of criticism and discrimination. But I did take the plunge, to hell with everybody else.
I got a girlfriend and my world was not the same again. It was a hard adjustment being the straight girl that I was. We go date at the mall but I never let her hold my hand. I wanted to project to society that we’re just friends. I see her whenever my schedule permits. And so it goes for a year.
She’d come up with ways to delay our partings, which I find really sweet. So yeah, I suffer from that syndrome too! I needed to be coaxed, forced, influenced, entrapped so I would not feel guilty giving in to the pleasure of her company. So I’m hard to get, go sue me! I just followed what I learned when I was young, they said that you need to keep them interested so they won’t lose interest in you. And being unavailable is one those, isn’t it? Or so I thought.
She kidnapped me and took me away for the weekends. She gave me her house keys. And yes, I got treated like a queen. Then she lost her way and flirted around.
I had boyfriends before, but they never awaken those emotions in me. So you see, whether it comes from a boy or a girl, passionate love is just oh so good!
2. Trust is the cornerstone of love.
Trust once broken is really really hard to get back. When she and I got back for the first time, I had a hard time learning to trust her again. We lived together that time. I would always check on her phone, her email, and the people she talk to. I’m not sure if I was able to totally trust her again. The things that had happened have scarred me pretty deep. Nonetheless, I wanted to make this relationship work, so I have to learn to trust her again. Or at least control myself.
We lived as a couple. I was working during the day and she works at night. But somehow we were able to make it work. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Being there to take care of her and cater to her needs. When I left work to study, she started supporting our little family. Slowly, I learned to trust her but it was not like the first time.
But I did trust her not to break my heart again.
3. Once a player, always a player.
Sometimes we still get the itch to check the waters. And my relationship was not an exception. More than once, I discovered her testing the waters—if she still has it. But I still believe that she was really committed to me when she said she was. (err..) I have caught her numerous times; of course the blame is on me. Ain’t I the one who always visit my parents every week?
Change is subjective. She would be willing to stay committed until that time she’d grow bored again or got the itch to see if she can still play the game. Details are immaterial. You know what I mean.
4. Words are just words.
I told her “you said you could wait.. you said you would wait.” And all she ever said was “I know what I said, so I broke my promise..”.
Promises given in the throes of passion do not mean anything. Often times, they were blurted out because they are nice to the ears. I think we are both guilty of this crime. I take a lot of time to act on a promise because I want its perfect execution. I do not want hassles and hang ups.
She promised to wait, which did not happen. The loneliness that she felt was too much to bear she’d rather break it off with me. I promised her I’d be with her after the first death anniversary of Nanay. It was not an empty promise. I have to admit that I was afraid. My heart was broken numerous times, what is the assurance that this time would be different? She tested the waters when we were together. So what made this extra special? But it was promise I was willing to fulfill. I am guilty of broken promises too. Like those times when I said I’d see her but I could not because Nanay was sick, or that time when I promised her I’d spent new year with her family. I broke that promise since I thought its better to celebrate it at home because it’s going to be my last new year here.
I know I hurt her whenever I promise her something and I was not able to deliver. I know she hurts when she waits and I know she got disappointed whenever I fail her. I hurt too when she breaks her promises.. when she eat her words.. when it seems like everything was just a farce. I hurt too.
5. Selfishness is the opposite of love.
She can’t (or doesn’t) stay away from me because she’s selfish. Or it could be that she doesn’t really want me to move on. Some say she’s just being a vindictive bitch. I remember her telling me she wanted her relationship to work—yet, she would call me or just drop by the office, which is not only unfair but selfish as well. I am tired of announcing to the whole world that we’re through and yet entertain her when she comes. I’m tired of eating my words.
I will not pretend that I was not selfish. I wanted to take care of my family and I want to take care of her too. I wanted to take care of them under one roof. I was selfish of my time because I’m a pleaser and hate seeing anybody disappointed.
My family too is guilty of being selfish. They see to it that I would always be reminded of my obligations to the family. I have to get home.. drive.. serve them. If I don't give in to their demands, they make me feel guilty. They always resort to that strategy. Guilt. Being a sucker for family peace, I sacrificed my life so I could please them. I sacrificed my relationship so I could satisfy them. It is only when they are satisfied that they let me continue to have her. It is only when they are gratified that they I can go back to her until their next call.
Selfishness is when all you think about is yourself, your needs and your wants. I think what she’s doing now is egotistical of her. Having a girlfriend and seeing an ever foolish ex should be made a crime. That was precisely the reason why I don’t befriend any of my ex(s). I know what happens when you see an old flame. In order to be sure that there would be no confusion, I’d rather leave the ex(s) alone and eradicate them from my life. I don’t want to be friends with them, and I don’t care to know what happened to them.
I know it is only in letting go that I can show how much I love her. And it is hard to unlove someone.
6. Love does not guarantee permanence.
Love alone does not / cannot make a relationship work. I’ve said these over and over again. Relationships are based on respect, patience, sacrifice, trust, forgiveness and the willingness to stick out through thick and thin.
A couple could love each other passionately but without the commitment, love dies out. And as I have realized, pain can erase love. At the moment, whenever I think of her, all I could think of is pain. It’s like her name became synonymous with hurting. I am afraid of her and the pain that comes with her.
I remember in one of our talks, she said I brought her nothing but misery. She confessed that she was 70% unhappy during the entire relationship. All she could think of is how lonely she got and how comfortable I am here in my parent’s house. She said, “Why would I even want that?”
Indeed, love does not guarantee permanence, yet we hope that it can keep us together. And just what a friend said “Sometimes you just can’t have what you want when you want it.. But that does not mean you can never have it. Everything takes place at the right time.. It’s not NO. It’s just not NOW.”
7. True love forgives.
I can’t remember a time she ever chose me. Whenever confronted with choices, I am always the one she would not choose. And my ego would suffer big time, but I would not mind and try again. And again and again until I become ashamed of myself. With all her numerous reasons in rejecting me, I'm just too stubborn to accept that everything can be sum up in five words "she doesn't love me anymore".
I have learned that love does not keep a record of wrongs. No matter how angry I am at her for hurting me, I would always welcome her in my life. I open my arms and embrace her. Why can’t I remember all the bad things done to me? Why can’t I just reject her and take her out of my life??? Why can’t I say hurtful words to her? Because when she's here, nothing matters. Not the pain, not the hurt. Certainly not the hurtful things that she had done. I can’t remember any of the shortcomings.. all I know is she is right here. When she asked me to take her back, I took her in without even asking why. I didn’t even question her intentions. She wrote me letters then. Lovely letters promising me she would never be gone again and that she’s back for good.
Recently, i begun to think she did not really love me. Because if she does/did she would choose me or she would still be here. I guess that sums it up pretty good. Her friend told me "then its not love. cause if it was.. then she'd choose you. You guys would still be together. Those things she said were just reasons." Ouch.
Did we really love each other or was it because her relationships did not work and I am still available?
8. Own your happiness.
I made the mistake of leaving her with my family that day. They hurt her. And I never did look at my family the same way again. I am disappointed with them. This family suddenly lost its luster. What they did to her was uncalled for. What they did to me was unfair. They broke us. A thousand.. a million pieces. Up to this day, I have never forgotten what they did to her and I cry everytime I remember. I cry because I should have been there as her wife, I should have protected her. They tore us apart.
I have to stand for what I want, otherwise, my family would always decide for me. I promised myself never to let that happen again. Never.
Nobody is in charge of your happiness except you. Through the years, I have learned (in a hard hard way) to ignore society and all its discriminations. Early on, I refuse to hold hands with her in public. I was afraid that we’d be seen and news will reach the family about me holding hands with a girl. Everything changed when we got back together. I stopped caring and started holding her hands, kiss her in public and put her arms around my shoulders (kung abot nya. Haha)
There was also a time when she can't visit the house. She would just bring me home and take the same tricycle back to the highway. I changed that too. I wanted to be happy and I felt its time to meet the family, so I brought her home. Everybody came to know about her.
I wanted to be with her, so I asked Nanay (my hero) to allow me to live in Manila with her. And they did. My sister was so envious of me. “Bakit ikaw kinukunsinti ka nila, ako hindi...”, she asked me. I really don’t know why they let me go that time. Of course the family did not fully let go of me. I have to visit once a week and do family obligations. We (ex and I) transferred south so it was really hard for me to travel from north to south but I believed I don’t have any choice. My parents are getting old with my not so matured sister. I tried to balance our life then, juggling my time so I can please everybody. But I can only do so much, either way—somebody always get disappointed. Somebody’s happiness has to be sacrificed.. and it would always be mine.
I think she was right when she said that my family was always first and she was second best. But the point is she would always be my priority before myself. I would always be the one whose needs are not to be met; I would always be the one who has to sacrifice.
And I had enough. I want to lead my own life and find the happiness that is meant for me. It was a great relief to finally able to stand up for what I want. Of course the Tatay is really trying to make me change my mind. But there’s no holding back. I have to do this on my own.
I would always be the baby of the family, I would always be the youngest daughter and yes, I would always be the brat that I am. But seeking my place on earth and finding a piece of that happiness, commit mistakes out of my own decisions, live life not according to what I have planned but rather living it as a result of the choices that I have made are my priorities now.
I’m through with what society requires of me. I’m done living up to your great expectations, world! So accept me or not, screw you!
9. Goodbye is not forever…but sometimes it’s best when it is.
How many times have we said our goodbyes? For months, I found myself seeing her every week. And whenever that happens my heart breaks all over again. And I never get tired.
After the trip I got confused because she was different in Cebu. I’ve totally forgotten about reality. Dumb me. I think I’ve never felt more dejected than that. For two days, I was feeling so low and I realized that it was depression. The feeling of sadness, anger, and self-pity poured over me. I don’t like it one bit. I know it can get worst if I continue this madness. So I have to stop.
In this relationship, she’s always the goer and I am the stayer. Now that she’s left again—I, too, shall leave. I hope she’ll have the decency not to contact me as I don’t want to see her nor hear her voice anymore.
10. I will love the same way again.
-Nothing follows.-
Labels: family, just venting out, love, moments, relationships
posted by jaded fool @ 12:04 AM
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