Selfish bitch
The ex and I talked last night. It started out quite well.. and turned sour just like our conversations in the past. Honestly, I never thought she could still make me cry… not after a year (more or less). But apparently, she still could.. she can still inflict that pain that would pierce your soul.
Kasalanan ko naman eh. Whatever it is that’s going on with me—I brought this to myself. My choices and the decisions I made brought me to where I am now. I should have left her alone. I did (for a while) .. I tried really hard but I ended up here. A failure. I can’t even control myself. How I expect to be in control of the situation..?
When the talk was light.. I missed her more. I miss our laughs and how patient she is with me. But everything changes when she would talk about how much I have hurt her. I just want to run. I’m so ashamed of myself. All she ever wanted was to be with me. This lesson is tougher than I thought.
There’s never a day that I don’t remember her. I miss her more when I get to talk to her mom or when I read old mails.. that’s when I grow weak.. that’s when I eat everything that I have said. Sometimes, I read her letter rejecting me.. or letters from one of her in-betweens.. sometimes, I read how much I plead for her to come back.. that’s when I remember all the pain.. that’s when everything felt justified.
I don’t really like it when she asks me questions.. it makes me feel uneasy and foolish. They seemed so hard. What is it that I want from her? Do I want her back? And I wanted to answer in the affirmative.. and finally decided to eat my words… leaving space between us. Do I want us to be friends? Yes why not.. we were friends even before we were lovers, weren’t we? But I do know it’s not that easy… it’s not easy when she is already married.
That was a shocker.
How could she marry somebody else? How can I be so selfish to expect her to wait on me?
Shit naman talaga.
Labels: just venting out, love, relationships
posted by jaded fool @ 11:44 AM
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