AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
My love affair started way back in 2003 and lasted for three years. It was scary.. it was exciting.. it was beyond my wildest imagination. I did not expect it to happen, I was waiting for Mr. Right when God dropped her on my lap. She was a lot younger than me.. persistent.. determined and stubborn. And I was there.. skeptical about her feelings, afraid of love and anxious on what society would say. She was resolved in breaking down the walls that I built around me.. and yes, she succeeded. It was on the night of September when I finally got attached. It was the night my life changed. It was the night that vivid, vibrant colors started to pour into my life.
We tried seeing each other regularly although our schedule only allowed us a couple of hours to be together.. a time enough for a quick dinner and short talks before she dashed for work and me going home. She introduced me to her friends, and was so proud of having me as her girlfriend. And there were times I would wonder whether it was really happening. It felt good.. wait, good was not even close. It was simple bliss. It was what I was longing for all my life, I felt significant, needed and actually loved. It was happiness in one of its purest forms and nothing could ever beat that feeling.
But I was still scared.. I was still skeptical.. and I was still worrying on what society would say. I never did introduce her to my friends as my girlfriend although they gave me quizzical looks. I stayed firm in telling them, we’re friends and that’s all there was to it. But even in the absence of any affirmation, my friends know what we were to each other.
Like all relationships, we faced trials and challenges. We were so opposite of each other. Like North Pole and South Pole. Like summer and winter. She was everything I was not. And these differences made us live an extraordinary life. No relationship is perfect; we would disagree about petty stuff but that’s what we do. We argue. A lot. But we made it sure that before the day ended, we’ve made up and sleep in each other’s arms. And so our story goes.
When it became apparent that we are both getting tired of arguing and it seemed that our issues will never be resolved, we parted ways. There are just lessons we got to learn the hard way.. I learned mine the hardest. I thought she was still head over heels about me that I was sure that she would come after me. In my mind, I had it all planned; she would come after me and would actually beg me to go back to her. Sadly, she never did look for me. So, I took all the courage I could get and actually fought my way back into her life… and we ended up together again.
That was the time when I decided to live and settle in the city. It was during this period that I experienced how it was to become a girlfriend, a career woman, a wife, a sister, a confidant, and a friend. Our life together may not be luxurious, but it was wonderful. It was hard, but it was transcendent. We became the best of friends, confiding even the smallest decision we had to make. I may not have the comfort that my family could give me, but living with her taught me that in this world, love indeed conquers all and it was all that matters. We lived together for a year and a half.
Financial difficulties crept into our lives that we decided on an alternative solution. We are to live apart. That decision is a blunder. It made us weak. It made us vulnerable to human temptations. It broke us.
I know that love does not guarantee permanence. It always takes two to make the relationship work. And relationship ends when the other person stops fighting for us. She stopped fighting for us, and changes had to happen. It was late last year when we parted ways again. I felt devastated. I was broken.
I know we loved each other. We did. We were in love. I loved her too much I lost myself in it. Yet, her love was not strong enough to keep us together. Her love for me was not enough to make her stay faithful. Nor was it enough to actually lead her back to me. I love her enough to walk away because that is what she wanted. It was what expected of me: accept reality, respect her decision, be matured about it and actually move on.
Starting all over again is hard, especially when you have to relearn how it is to be on your own once more. People tell me that when your partner seeks somebody else, you have to set her free to find her own happiness, as this is also your opportunity to find your own. They even say that we are not meant to be. It was all wrong in the first place. I dare not dwell on that last statement. I know it felt right and that’s what’s important.
It is hard to let go of someone who means so much to me. But it has to be that way. I have to let go of her so I could find myself again. I try not to think of her. I try to pre-occupy myself with activities that seemed trivial to be mentioned here. Friends and family wanted to spend time with me, but it still her company that I am looking for. A day, an hour, a minute of her time.. a second of her breath… a glimpse of her smile. I think of her with a sigh and that desire to trade everything just to be with her. But that’s all I could ever do. Yearn. Think. Reminisce. Remember.
There’s nothing I could do about it. It is way beyond my capabilities. It is way beyond us. I did ask why love has to end. And I realized it doesn’t have to. Love only stops when we stopped believing. Love doesn’t die. It’ll always be there. And I do believe that no matter what happened to us leading our lives separately, if we are meant to be.. we would be together.
She was once a great partner, lover, confidant, sister, and friend to me. And I would always be thankful to her for all the lessons we learned together. I would always be grateful to her for helping me achieve my dreams, for believing in me and in what I could do.
At this point, I would like to ask for her forgiveness for the heartaches, numerous lonely nights, and the tears she had cried. Wherever she is now, I do hope that she is happy and fulfilling her dreams. I would have wanted to be there and actually witness how she conquers the world but I just have to do that from afar.
Our love affair may not be perfect, it may even be wrong in the eyes of other people. But it would be the affair that I would always treasure in my heart. It would be the story of one great love with memories to last a lifetime.
Labels: love, relationships
posted by jaded fool @ 7:25 AM
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