i quit
I quit.
I stopped working last week because healthwise, I'm already suffering from lack of sleep. Brainwise, I don't want to work under a campaign where they curse you a lot...Heartwise, it was very chaotic for me since we have to face another challenge again.
The good thing about it is that I have the permission of tat and my family. I'm thankful that i have a family that supports my cause and respects the decision that I make even if sometimes I do regret making them.
Although tat and I are ok--we don't get hungry or sick I still feel this emotional struggle that we are suffering. "the problem is me.. not you, and I'm not saying that in a Filipino way.."she said to me a week ago. She confessed that all through out the past year, she has been struggling against depression... she confessed about flirting with other girls to keep her occupied and to keep her enthusiasm for me..she confessed of bringing a girl in our home.. she felt that the year that passed "walang nangyari" in her life.
The pain.
It is painful to hear the truth. But when she told me about the girl, I forgave her... when she told me about flirting, I also forgave her. I have forgiven her for thinking that nothing happened to her life.. for thinking that we have a boring life. All these thoughts are hidden at the back of my head-- haunting me everyday, thinking what I did wrong.
She said that she needs the diversion so she would not lose interest in me. she gets so lonely everytime I go away, and most of the time-- I am away when she needed me the most. She said that she needed someone to be strong for her as she has always been strong for her family. I do understand her quite well-- for I, too, need to be strong for my family. I guess each one of us needs someone to lean on to...and I need someone who would take care of me, nurture me, I need someone who would accept my frailties and weaknesses. someone who would let me cry til my last tear and still love me despite my puffy eyes and red nose. Sometimes, it's too tiring to pretend to be strong when you are not...and it is reassuring to know that you can be at your weakest and yet still be accepted and loved.
She asked for a time to clear her head. And I did tell her that I prefer to stay with my parents in Bulacan but she didn't agree. She said she love my family and she don't want my family hating her for the excuses that I'm to say for knocking on their door with my stuff on both hands. I would probably tell them that Tat and I had a fight or I can no longer bear her bad habits.. So, in the end-- she was not able to get the time that she asked.
It was chaotic-- my emotional quotient was very unstable. I kept thinking on what I did wrong. maybe-- I worked too hard to make things work. And indeed love alone can not make a relationship work.
Honesty.
I'd rather hear the crude truth rather than sweet lies..but then I prefer the execution in a more subtle manner... there is a thing such as right timing, you know? I asked her "how come when something big is going on for me, you do this?" meaning she would wreak havoc not only inside my head but also emotionally. and again she said "i'm telling you..it's me. it's really me." And I wish it's as easy as accepting that fact. I wish I could just say... "yes the problem is you!" and leave it at that.
Speaking of honesty. For the past year-- I was exhilirated by the fact that we are together again... it could be also that I thought that everything is working out pretty well. But there were also times that I feel depress-- and frustrated. I feel depress because I feel like my family and tat are having a tug-of-war with me as the rope. It is tiring that it made me feel like giving up on them. I want to break lose and get free. To run away from them. I don't want to think whether she would get mad if I do this, or if they would get mad if I don't do this. I don't want hurt any of them because I hurt more.
I feel frustrated because come to think of it-- nothing happened to my life. I'm of no help to my parents... and no help to tat either. so what would that make me? But I've only realized it now because the whole year I was quite happy playing good li'l wife to tat. But there's just got to be more-- there has to be..
Hmm.. I'm frustrated because I feel so lost... when I ask myself what do i really want.. I end up thinking and not coming up with an answer. How fucked up is that huh? I need to redirect myself-- and focus (read: fow-kuz) on the things that I want to do and goals to achieve. Suddenly, I feel the way tat do-- I felt robbed by time.
Future.
I can not say what's ahead of us. But i'll be optimistic about our dreams... and hope that we could achieve them together. I guess tat and I still has to talk these things over. Two things are for sure:
I love tat and I love my family.
posted by jaded fool @ 8:01 PM
