rants and ramblings

silence

There's no easy way to say it.. there's no better way to do it. I've been hurt too much. All I know is that I don't want to hurt anymore. I've been running after her for too long.... I kept on pushing myself into her life.

Labels: relationships

naman, earth!

how many times have i imagined G trying to win me back? how many times have i silently prayed for it? in my head, i know what i will say.. i know how it will go.. i got all the scenes ready .. but know what? i was still unprepared when it happened.

P decided to come over to the house when tyhpoon Frank was trying to destroy everything. a phone call led G to rush to our place like hell was after her..it was late in the evening when she arrived..seething with anger, obviously mad, hungry and sleepless.

she wanted me back. i want her back as well but now is not the right time.. yep, world, we're not together. my heart has become skeptical of the things that she was saying. the storm is over. we both survived it... but it changed us. i asked her if she could accept my family as there would be the endless family issues and wrath of friends (who took time to listen to me whine while i was mending a brokenheart) to deal with...she said yes. but i know its easier said than done.

i really got confused.. there was a moment that i wanted her.. then i would get scared and would want some time.. or i would want what i have now.. or i would want to have both. yep.. yesterday was an affirmation that i am selfish.. and yes, i am self-centered (but really, i would like to think that im just confuse..)

i don't like it when she cries.. my heart can't bear seeing her tears. but you dont leave someone and wander away.. return when you want to and expect them to be the same person that you left behind.

we talked a lot.. remember how good we were together.. how good a team we are.. i know there's a big chance for this new risk to fail. G and i both knows it.. and she cant understant why i want to risk everything for this. she looked at me intently and told me to do whatever i want.. she just hope that when my lesson is over.. she would still be there for me.. she would still have a tear to shed..

i know i will learn something from this.. as we parted ways.. i know she would be true to her words.. there's no easy way to deal with this.. i never wanted to be in this situation in the first place. i never wanted this.

i need to think.. re-think..and re-re-rethink the things that happened.

i need to evaluate my life away from everything.

Labels: just venting out, relationships

change

G has been making her presence felt quite actively for the past couple of days now. the stupid girl in me is wondering what's going on with her.. the bitch girl is wondering whether she's trying to ruin my peaceful existence.. the old me wondered if she wants me back.. and the new me is tired of entertaining thoughts of her.

this afternoon..she asked me a question:
Do you like the new you more than who you used to be?

I guess before I can answer that question, i have to know what's the difference between the old and new me because, frankly, i cannot.

I cannot see the changes that they're referring to. In all honesty, i still feel the same old me... hell, i still look the same. It feels like nothing has changed and the stuff that they're talking about are just like hallucinations. Know why? It's because I still feel that I'm the same old me.. deep inside... i would still yearn for my fairy tale.. i am still the bratty old me.. i would still be the beatch that they're referring to... i'm still the stubborn daughter.. the bratty sister ... the bitchy friend.. the strict tita.. and the laid back employee that i always am.

I changed emotionally though. I used to be insensitive (they still accuse me of this.. ) but I am really trying my best to be sensitive to other people's feelings now... i appreciate all acts of kindness... i acknowledge and exert effort not because it was expected of me but because i want to. I'm no longer afraid of showing my emotions...However, when jealousy or a pang of hurt or pain hits me-- everything crashes down and I would be back to my old sentimental self.

Work and Financial changes..well that part of me is a mess. LoL. But i'll pull through. I have to or else I'd be in deep shit.

I don't want to be the insensitive, unappreciative, effortless person that i was... because that person continuously hurt G.. but i'd love to work on my financial and occupational changes...the sooner the better.

Labels: just venting out, relationships

ewan

ei world, been busy with work and stuff.. so how have you been? i'm glad to inform you that my social life has greatly improved... been all over the metropolis, wasting the ever precious gas.

hmmm.. i'm disturbed.. the talks that I had with G two days ago... the events during the weekends.. it seems like nothing makes sense.

you see.. i'm seeing someone now... yeah I like her. I enjoy being with her.. we would talk a lot..drink beer.. go places.. and wonder why life has to be the way it is.

i stopped feeling bad/sad for myself when we started going out. i stopped wondering whether someone out there would actually like me just the way i am... or if i could actually like other people.. (turned out that i can) and most importantly, i stopped wondering why G was able to replace me just like that.

we don't see each other everyday.. nope..it's kinda complicated and the complication is beyond explanation. imagine.. it took me 6 months to be able to like someone. and the person that i like is super complicated. tsk.. bad choice, bad choice...

two days ago... i got 6 missed calls from G. I thought there was some kind of emergency so i texted her and asked if she's alright. She then asked me to call her... so i did. we talked.. the usual how do you do's. and then came the proposal... she would not communicate with me and we'll just see each other come September 20, in that place where we first met. I said ok. I'm clueless why it had to be that way-- but then..sige lang... yun ang gusto nya eh. She invited me to spend the day with her, said she's going to help me house hunt but i already promised someone my time..

i told her that i can't go because i have to be somewhere late in the afternoon.. she then asked me if i can stop whatever it is in a months time. I really don't know what to answer her.. so i told her i'd rather not talk about it.. but she kept on insisting.. that led her to conclude that i do like this new girl. she said she wanted to know so she'd know where she stand..

ewan.

i'm not the one committed here.. im not the one who got a girlfriend after two month's of break up.. im not the one who left!

she told me her gf was everything that i am not... that the gf knows how to be in a relationship... etc. etc.. sucks right? G told me that she hates the new me.. i asked why.. "cause the new you doesn't love me.." she replied.

ewan talaga.

i'm this way now because i can't yearn for her the rest of my life. she's with someone now... i got to move on.. i had to.

super ewan.

i have never loved anybody as much as i have loved G. but what is my assurance that this time would be different? what security do i have? that phone call ended with nothing concrete. i feel that i got no future with L (this early on i got the knack of knowing things like this..) and im afraid to take a risk with G again... EWAN. kamusta ka naman earth, ang labo mo.

Labels: just venting out, reltionships

family day

my nanay got the knack of appearing in my dreams whenever i am feeling down, stressed and tired. i think it has something to do with the fact that i came home saturday morning after driking and raiding banchetto. ei, world! I was able to assist selling pasta and pastries. one dream down-- more to go. ^^

hmm.. when i was out last friday, i was surprised to receive a text message from my kuya. he said he saw my entry about Nanay..blah blah blah. otherwise stated, he told me to let go of Nanay. it somehow made me feel bad because i was the one who spent most of my life with Nanay. i guess among her children-- i am the one most attached to her. so it made me feel bad that my yaku wont leave me alone and grieve.

anyways, i was out with my family today. we visited nanay first and then had lunch and proceeded to a mall in malate. ^^ I had fun showing my kuya and ate around my territory. it was the first time in months that I felt i'm still part of a family.

Labels: family, moments