rants and ramblings

cluttered

why don't i just be honest and tell you what i really feel.

I feel like a mess.

my weekends started out great though. G and I were on the phone friday night. She offered to accompany me to do house hunting half the day because she got some meetings in the afternoon. Knowing that, i too made plans for saturday afternoon. Come saturday, she told me that her mom texted her and that mama needs to have an ultrasound. i asked if she wanted me to go..she said i decide. so i told her im coming with her. i went to mama's house and waited for G there. i can't believe i was scared of her during the early part of the relationship. I remembered going to their house only when mama is not around. hehe. i honestly think she has grown to love me all these years.

so there i was with her family again. like nothing happened. just like before. i was enjoying it a lot..in fact, i was trying to cancel my appointments in the afternoon.. and then her phone rang. i know it was her girlfriend and that hit me in the head. im stealing time from her again. so i said goodbye quite hurriedly to mama and left.

of course that made her angry. i asked G if she wanted me to stay. she did not answer. i know she was really angry at me. i told her that i hate the fact that she's no longer mine. and she called me self-centered. i broke down.

so i spent the rest of the day drinking. killing that pain with alcohol. talking. laughing emptily. my phone got busted that i have to borrow a phone so i could check my messages. i got one from G, apologizing for saturday's bout. i was touched and i said sorry too.

i feel like a mess because i wanted to stay with G but didn't. my cellphone gave up on me. (argh!). my internet connection at home sucks.

I could've saved myself from having too much alcohol which did not help me in any way (but i will drink again, promise!). I could've walked away. i should not have played with fire.

Labels: just venting out, moments

tameme

"How much do you like me?..."

" I like you to the extent na i want to go here every week... travel long way.. I like you to the extent na i'm willing to duplicate a report just to stay and to the extent na i have to buy a laptop just to be online..

So.. sa tingin mo how much do I like you.."

"Whoa. I say very much..."

"Now, you know..."

//sweet//

Labels: moments

guess where

terak time..



with the ladies from the town..



some pabitin..



having tons of fun even during the rain..



the altar where it all started and ended.

can you guess where this wonderful place is?

Labels: travel

coming out(4 out of plenty)

the following are excerpts from conversations with college friends..

Ako: ask ko si R, kung love nya ako kahit nag gf ako?
Ako: hahaha
Ako: ikaw , love mo ba ako?!
Ako: love mo pa rin ako?! huh? huh?
JF: oo naman , ano ka ba
Ako: baka kasi di mo na ako love...
JF: baka gusto niya sama sa tn
JF: ko nga love mo pa rin khit nagpaka gaga ko eh
Ako: ganun talaga friends
JF: hy
JF: hindi ko alam bt naging ganito buhay ko
Ako: J..
Ako: kung ano buhay natin.. its because of our choices
JF: i know
JF: puro bad choices ako
Ako: hindi bad choices un
Ako: kasi they made u happy
Ako: adik ka ba
Ako: pero may time na yung choices natin, it causes us pain na
Ako: so thats the time we stop
JF: hindi ko alam gagawin ko
Ako: Just do the right thing
Ako: this is ur life

----------------------
Ako: oi R
Ako: love mo pa rin ako kahit nag gf ako?
Ako: lolz
RD: oo naman
RD: hello!
Ako: hehehe
RD: dumaan din ako jan remember??
Ako: yeah..
RD: and who knows malay mo magkaroon ka ulit ng les
Ako: err
Ako: ewan.. i find them exciting
RD: or malay mo ako, si J or whoever
RD: diba
Ako: hahaha
Ako: wag na si J
RD: malay mo si D maging les
RD: ahahaha
Ako: pucha ..wag na kayo
RD: we can't tell what will happen noh
RD: lalo pa ngayon na ayoko na ng boys
RD: !!!
Ako: ayaw mo na ng boys?
Ako: at bakit?
Ako: ako din ata..ayaw ko na ng boys
Ako: lol
RD: ayoko na
Ako: good
RD: kasi they will never change
Ako: ano na gusto mo?
RD: i dunno
Ako: singleness?
RD: i am not even looking for a relationship now
RD: yup
Ako: ako din
Ako: im enjoying my life now
RD: marami akong gastos sa bahay para isipin ko pa ang boys
Ako: pero sometimes it gets so lonely
Ako: oi add mo daw si J...
RD: not if you have friends
RD: wala akong natatangap na invite
RD: wait
RD: i need to log out and log in
x x x

Labels: out

lessons learned the hard way

If life is a teacher I think she’s one mean bitch. The one that’s unpredictable—leans to favoritism at times and vindictive.

When she decided to teach, I had to suffer numerous sleepless nights.. a thousand what could have beens.. and shed gallons of tears. Why can’t I just learn the easy way? Why does she have to take them out of my reach or out of my life?

On my way to work I realized that teacher wanted me to meet all these people so I’d realize G’s worth, her efforts and all the beautiful things that she is. I’m too stubborn to admit that I really have a problem when it comes to sensitivity. And this insensitivity has always been the root of my emotional problems. Also, I suffer from a serious case of cowardice. I fear expression because I would always think that the other person would reject me or my thoughts would not be accepted. Neither do I want to be tagged as emotional (which I realized I really am), or clingy (which I also realized I am.. sucks right?). Also, I assume a lot. And it is always in the negative way. I remember G telling me to ask first and not to assume anything. For I wouldn’t really know if I wouldn’t try. But this fear overwhelms me. Negative thoughts would flash into my head that even before I try—I am already retreating.

I know my chance passed me by and it's too late to do anything now. In the meantime, I shall wait for teacher to give me that chance again. I just hope that when she plays favorite-- she would choose me.

Friends would say that I deserve someone better—I don’t want somebody better, I want her.

In my drunken state, I shed my cloak of toughness.
And in my vulnerability, I bare my true feelings.
I opened my heart once again
There she firmly stood
Like a victorious warrior.

mother's day

i was wondering yesterday what's so significant about may 10. and it was just early today that i remembered-- it's the anniversary of the day i become a full pledged court officer. i got so many things in my head that i have forgotten one of the most important events in my life.

today we pay tribute to our mothers. and in this small space, i honor and pay tribute to the most important woman in my life-- Nanay. For the past year-- i have seen this family cope with the loss of Nanay. We have not fully recovered. She's one special woman who is simply irreplaceable.

my nanay did not come from a rich family. she grew up practically working or at least find means to support her siblings. she was the one who protected them-- the one who would worry about their next meal. she would help at a relative's house so she could bring home some rice. Nanay never did get a formal college education but she's one of the brightest persons you'd ever encounter. Hard life became her teacher. When I was still a child, I remembered her selling a lot of things...sandals, umbrellas.. we had a little sari sari store in front of our house.. i remember her sell halo halo during summer. She's one hard working mother. She tagged me along at her workplace and I remember asking her "Bakit ito opisina mo nay?" referring to a female restroom in FEU. "Ayaw ko ng opisina mo, gusto ko opisina ni Nanay Sonia-- may lamesa." and she would always tell me "Di kasi ako nakapag aral 'nak. Kaya ikaw, mag aaral kang mabuti para dun ka sa katulad ng opisina ni Nanay Sonia magtatrabaho." It is my humble belief that she did a remarkable job as a mother. She's loving, affectionate, receptive and warm.

I miss her call me 'nak or neng. It's one of my favorite endearments because it is heartfelt. When she would put her arms around my shoulders and sniffle my neck, i know that no matter how messed up i can be--- she would always love me. And she did. with all of her beautiful heart. she saw me through my school days-- my bumming days-- my failures-- and heart problems.

To the most wonderful woman i have ever known. To you 'nay, thank you for loving me unconditionally. For being my protector. For being my strength when I feel so tired. For never letting me fall. mahal kita.

Labels: family, love, moments, relationships

yawn

ei world, eat your heart out! i just got home. *wink* details later.. thank you lord for banchetto. ^^

------------------

it's 2.19 pm. just woke up.

i discovered many things last night while i was out. i acknowledged the fact that i have a good life and i'm just being ungrateful because God took G out of my life.

i realized that i don't want to be in a committment right now. i can't give up my freedom no matter how lonely my life gets sometimes. i also realized that I can like a person but not enough to give up the things that i have now. not yet. just not yet.

what i need is a constant date. someone to hold hands with.. kiss with when i want to..be with when i want to.. all under one condition-- when i want to. it saddens me that im thinking that way now. i'm usually the security / committment freak who always believe that you need love before you get intimate with someone.

masarap maging single pero malungkot...

i enjoy just looking at the people around me. i was somewhere last night with a friend watching people walk by. just looking.. my mind wandering.. no specific topic.. my thoughts were floating and fleeting from one person to another. i enjoyed it a lot. just being with a good friend, my thoughts, and lots of food under the dark sky.

well..i was cruel last night to the extent that i made the person feel so out of place. we just dont think alike so i would always end up with sarcastic remarks. i feel bad that i was really mean-- but there's just no stopping me when im irritated.

Labels: moments

interesting discovery

i was online this morning when C sent me a message. after few kamustahans she said she met someone online last night.. this girl said she's a lawyer. not to be rude, i asked for the name. "JR" she said. and I was shocked. JR is indeed a lawyer... and she's my 2nd cousin.

HaHaHaHa!

Although she's a cousin she's so pretty and tisay. It's not my fault my nanay fell in love with my tatay. Amffff! So there, another femme in the clan. ^^

Labels: comedy, relationships

pro bono moonlight

Went to DTI-NCR today to assist a friend in a hearing. I enjoyed it a lot appearing on behalf of a client. Now, i'm really considering practice...but I'm not prepared to be overworked and underpaid. So working for a law office is a big No-No. Haha I'd probably save money and establish my own law firm somewhere in Batanes or anywhere far far away.

practice makes (lawyering) perfect. ^^

Labels: work related angst

ascension

I had second thoughts about writing tonight because this feeling might not last. But I have to recognize it, its calling on me and I just have to give in. I was purely at peace since yesterday. No pain. No hurt. Not even memories of G could dampen my spirits.

I was in church yesterday and the gospel was about resurrection and ascension. If I didn't know any better, I would say the gospel was for me. The priest said that blessings come in all forms, sometimes in the shadow of loneliness, pain or struggles. But we just have to believe that at the end of our struggle lies our resurrection and ascension. I cried during the service yesterday. I cried for all our pain, our struggles, and our loneliness. I cried for everything beautiful and ugly. I cried for forgiveness. I cried praying for my ascension. And then peace came.

I was in high spirits the whole day.For the first time I could talk about her and not feel anything. Not that pain. Not even hatred. Just nothing. I could remember places and things that we used to do, be reminded of what we were and what we are -- and still feel that everything is going to be fine. I can feel my heart beating-- slow and fast, just like the way it used to. I sigh with relief that hopefully.. this is where it all starts. Moving on is a hard step to take but one that I am willing to do.

I don't want to lose this feeling. This is what I have wanted and waited for so long. That inner peace and assurance that in spite of it all, someone out there is willing to love and take care of me.

I'm not saying I'm totally over her. I know there would be days when I'd be downtrodden, I'd probably cry from missing her. I know I'd still write about her. I would always think of her. The only assurance I guess is the fact that someday, I'd think of her and would not feel anything. Just like what I do now.

In the stiillness of the night, I could hear my heart thump to the love songs I play in my head...

Labels: love, moments

oh fcuk

I was out last night with Neth. I'm just thankful that i have a friend who's always willing and ready to lend an ear. yeah..we talked about her and the suitors. Neth said "ayaw mo sa kanila? at si G, gusto mo lahat ng ginagawa nya?". and I answered "I like everything about her..except when she breaks my heart." She just shook her head and said "Grabe mare, sobrang mahal mo sya.", which made me feel sad cause I know the love is one sided. Ewan. Adik no?

G has been occupying my head for two days now. I don't want her invading my thoughts and preoccupying my time cause I know i'm the only one doing it and i'm only the one who'd end up feeling bad. I don't want to but it's happening. it's irritating that i am once again losing control of my emotions. there's still spot of pain in my heart because thoughts are flooding me. she was in my dreams. I woke up a couple times but everytime i'd fell back to sleep-- i would still find her there.

Bought a book by Paulo Coelho last night entitled "by the river piedra i sat down and wept". this book hits a sore spot. i think its the reason behind the appearance(s) of G in my dreams. I'll put down some mushy moments once i get to finish the book, if ever i get to finish it. I feel like throwing it away..I want to burn it.. tear it apart or put it in the shelf. it made me remember..and that's the least thing i want to do now.

i don't want this pain anymore.

note to self: never follow the advice of katrina. she just suck at it.

Labels: book, just venting out, love

wicked

since everybody wanted me to move on, my friends set me up with the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who happens to be looking for a girlfriend. No, i'm not looking for a partner at the moment. I just want to meet people. Hell.. I'm not going to be tied up. Not now that I have so much to do. Besides, I'm still in the process of reviving my old cool self.

so anyway, in order to prevent from being tagged as an ingrate, i just try to be friendly and accomodate them. Hmm.. so where do I start? Let me see.. a recap, I had D, K, P, M, M2 and D2 (someday I would not remember what these letters stand for).

I ditched them all.

i've written about D and P here. I don't like K because she's not funny or bright enough as there would always be dead air when we talk. hehe. M is married, automatic disqualification. Hell.. when she broke up with the wife, I got scared because I don't think I like her too. No..they should not separate, certainly not on my account. Last I heard-- they got back together (thank you Lord!!) P became a friend and a constant caller. Did not directly ditched her.. but apparently I ignored and pushed her away. We're still friends but it's kinda weird now. D2 and I met only once but I already told her a hundred times that I don't like her. And yet, everyday-- she would ask me if I like her, which i always answer in the negative. She would try to make me laugh with her jokes. But they're not even half funny. Everytime it happens-- i would always lash on her. Said she would wait for me. I don't know how long she could stand my temper and waiting. She even called me "matigas". Ampfft. M2 was from a not so distant past. When G and I broke up-- I saw her online and started talking again. After a few talks I lost interest..she was not as interesting as she was before, so i stopped talking to her altogether.

My friends would reprimand me because I did not give any of them a chance. But I'm feeling kinda weird right now. I want to be loved yet I run away everytime opportunity comes. Ewan.. I feel like someone out there is waiting for me. And I don't want to be sorry that I rushed things. I know that person will find me. And when that time comes, i will be ready. I don't want to be in a relationship right now because I lost myself in the last one. I am slowly picking myself up..fixing the broken pieces and hoping that one day, i'll be willing to trust and love again.

I know it's bad of me to hurt these people. But everytime I hurt, I would always encounter and hurt them in the process. It wasn't their fault I was in pain. But nevertheless, I end up cutting them into tiny pieces. I never did apologize to any of them. Not for the hurtful things that I said...not even for making them feel stupid. so as a sign of repentance, here's an open letter to all of you:

To you, I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass. I didn't mean harm. I'm sorry for the things I said that caused you pain, for making you feel unlikable, unlovable, or inadequate. I apologize if by some way I led you on or gave you a mixed signal. Thank you for your attention. I know everything would have been different had we met in a better situation. I'm just not the one you're looking for. From the bottom of my heart please accept my apologies.

Labels: just venting out, relationships

WTC before the event. I love the balloons!! Such beautiful colors.. don't you think?



This is inside the venue, our guests were around 7,000. The food from skyline was blahhh.. (they don't fail to disappoint me)



That's the stage. yun lang.

labor day 2008

in the interest of public service, i have to work today. ^^ i attended an event in WTC at 6.00 am today. Since today is officially a red-letter day, Tatay let me bring the family car. (wow, he's trusting me na.. haha)

I had fun driving today. I control my own speed with no one except the road and my music. It was liberating. The feeling of control. In fact, i enjoyed it a lot i was all over the Metro, house hunting. It produced 3 prospects. Going to talk to the owners tomorrow and try to haggle my way around it. Haha. Wish me luck!

Labels: photos, work related angst