rants and ramblings

lost

we lose track.

we lost direction..

slowly, we are trying to lead a normal life.. but nothing will ever be the same. nothing and no one can compensate for the lost. all we have are memories. a lot of good memories.. a vast stories -- memories of nanay being funny-- seasonal disciplinarian-- a singer-- so-so dancer-- a guru -- a mentor-- a dutiful, caring wife... a loving nanay-- a loyal friend-- a kind daughter etc. etc. the bottome line is no word is enough to describe her. she was perfect to me. I was always so thankful that she's my nanay. I was never envious of other girls mommy or mama. I was always proud of nanay.. for everything she was and the things that she had sacrificed for us and our family.

totoo ang sinabi ng nanay ko-- kungdi dahil sa kanya, nasaan kami? we are trying to be brave.. trying to conquer each day with that bravado. living the moment-- knowing in our hearts that the pain will forever remain.

i miss her everyday its unbearable.

i love you nay.. i do hope that you will look upon us. i'm looking forward meeting and being with you.

Labels: family

henceforth

endings are also beginnings.

today, we laid nanay to rest. it was emotional.. heartfelt. i appreciated all the people that were with us all through out this trial. the people who would check on how we were doing... the people who brought us food.. the people who prayed.. who sympathized.. the people who came from way up north just to show affection to our family. Our lives have been touched by the most wonderful woman that i have ever known-- Nanay. Our lives were colorful because one way or another, she was able to make us laugh-- nanay was able to shed some colors into our monotonic world.

there were a lot of people today.. and i realized remarkable nanay was. and I am glad to be 70% like her. I think I ought to write Nanay a letter.. I know that wherever she is now.. she would be looking after us.. she would be our guiding light.. our new angel.

this is the hardest part yet-- the part wherein we have to re-start our lives without nanay. The part wherein we have to live each day knowing we can no sense her physically. all i know is that, i do love nanay.. and i know that she would forever be in my heart.

rest in peace nanay. i miss you. i love you. lab mo ba ako?!

mar. 24, 2007

the day that would forever break my heart. today, we lost nanay. she was 62 years old.

details later.. please pray for the repose of her soul.

she was my fan, my great defender, my mentor, my teacher, my sister, and most importantly.. my good, good friend. I miss her so much.. and it breaks my heart knowing I would not be able to see her smile again, hear her stories and that laughter that lightens your heart. I love you so much nanay..

Labels: family

int'l women's day

today we celebrate womanhood... the essence of being a woman. the following are our pictures taken from the celebration. yep.. there were men. kainis di ba?

h.e.r.

one sentimental day i created this poem..

Her is the thought that I have before I close my eyes and Her is the truth that flashes in my head upon waking up.

Intrusive. Longing. Yearning.

Her is the thought that cause me pain and Her is the cure that pacifies and calms me.

Irony. Mockery. Epiphany.

Her is the thought of a future not certain and Her is the thought of a life mundane.

Fear. Forgiveness. Living.

Her is my greatest love, the victory of war long over. Her is my greatest enemy, my downfall, my defeat.

Lies. Heightened senses. Ephemeral.

Her is the thought that I want to forget and Her is the thought that I wanna embrace and re-owned.

Friend. Hero. Foe.

Her is the reality that I have before I fall asleep and Her is the last dream I see as I open my eyes.

My pain. My love. My life.

h.e.r.

Labels: love, poems, relationships

tagaytay trip

we went to tagaytay today to celebrate our birthdays (read: me, ate, bibi and lyka). tatay and nanay woke up early to prepare the food. i had a hard time waking up since i got home at 2 am already.

anyway, i slept the whole journey to tagaytay.. the traffic was terrible! shet.. then came the cold breeze.. yey! tagaytay..i was also there last year with angel and her officemates. And I thought that it's going to be a tough one for me. But what do you know.. i had fun spending time with my family.. listening to my music and reminiscing about her.. my life before her.. and how good God had been to me. We ate.. ate.. took pictures.. and ate some more. I'll be posting the pics tom.. I just feel like writing today.

Then on my way home.. ate jade texted me. She was having a personal problem.. a household matter in fact.. regarding her bf, her family and her life. And she said Im lucky that i have a loving family.

I do have a loving family.. and I do know that no matter what happens.. no matter how fucked up I'll be-- they'll always have my back. they'll be my source of strength when I'm weak and ready to fall. After reading that-- I closed my eyes..and felt light. I can't remember if it was feeling of relief that I am in the family that I am in... or was it a prayer of thanks for giving me such a loving and understanding family, i really can't tell.

Upon reaching our home, i was surprised to see messages in my phone. It was Tita.. she was asking about Angel and told me it was urgent and important. So i texted back-- and that's when I learned that they're being sued at the barangay level. I asked tita to talk to me online, and there I told her to contact victoria or ask johan to cntact victoria cause she would know where guia is. tita said johan is not there and that her blood pressure is way above normal. i said i could give her victoria's number-- and i did.. however, she asked me to text victoria cause she can't breath. I hesitated for a moment because I dont want to anything to do with them anymore. I want a quiet life. But when tita said Aries is sick.. I did what she asked me to do. I sent victoria a text asking her to relay tita's message and to please acknowledge receipt but she didn't reply. i just hope gui got it.. cause im really worried about tita.. her family neeeds her.. her mom's in total panic.. haay buhay..

i feel ackward talking to the people close to guia.. especially them asking me for help or any form of favor. It came as a surprise that they would ask me for help-- knowing our situation. Ewan.. I feel sad that I can't be there for them anymore... I don't want to complicate things for us. I love them still, its just that its not right anymore.

Labels: family