I always made it a point to read at least two articles in a day.. I would have read more if only I had more time. Reading helps me to get on with my day with a full realization that this is the only way I could get my old self back. Of course most of the day my head is filled with work and it is only when I am idle that I get to think about my relationship.
it is normal to have the urge to make contact especially if I had a lot of things to say. Why do I accept her apologies when it will surely recur. Susan was right, it was fear to deal with grief. I do not want to go through the process and accepts the temporary soothness of a "sorry". I was not ready to accept the fact that one of us had to go. And I did get tired of the cycle. Monthly.. Yearly.. Just like a song in a repeat mode.
I must remember to be good to me always and to learn how to ignore pleas for help. I want that out of my system. The urge to save someone caused me a lot. Besides, I maybe a rockstar, but I am no superhero. That's the truth.
First of all, I owe myself an apology because I got weak and caused myself self-inflicted pain. Two days vs. Five. And I do forgive myself for this little slip up. Honestly, it gets easier everyday. Loving myself and forgetting bout the asshole that was in my life. I was looking for that feeling of loneliness and heartbreak but I couldn't find them. I once asked myself what is it that I love about P and I couldn't come up with an answer. But I do miss a constant textmate.. Or someone who would pick me up.. BUT In her absence, my phone still rings and receive sms.. Not as much but at least I know my phone still works. In her absence I have to re-learn how to get home by myself and enjoy the ride. Sometimes it gets lonely but I know it has to be that way or the cycle of lies, deceit and problems would go on. I had enough of that.
I read about standards today. It is important to have them. And reflecting on this artictle, I know I have sacrificed the standards that I used to believe in so I would not be alone. And that was wrong. Sometimes, that relationship was even lonelier.
Sticking it out because you want an instant date.. Sticking it out despite being cruel to you. Forgive but give no chances. That should be the rule. Everybody deserves a second chance.. But asking for it repeatedly.. Committing the same thing and giving the scumbag another chance was wrong and totally my fault. I shouldve seen her for what she is. I shouldve learned the lesson early on.
I would not sacrifice my standards again. They are important. I am important.
I deserve respect, love, affection and a whole lot of understanding. Why? Because i'm a special woman and I rock.
i am alive. :) and i survive the red roses, the chocolates and the couples holding hands. on the eve of valentine's day, ate gave me a chocolate bar. she's just the sweetest! :) i actually dreaded the day though i dont usually celebrate it in public when i am in a relationship... i guess i have every reason not to want to celebrate it this year either.. but work has to be attended.. so i have to figure out a way to disregard yesterday's activities.
i wore a ring. it's a stainless ring with a stone.. was actually given to me last year, i never wore it cause the fuckin' stone hurts my skin. it was just inserted there.. to pierce your skin. but it could actually pass for a wedding ring so it really served its purpose.
the weekend was tough but i survived. i rediscovered how much i enjoy watching the television.. writing.. and lazing around. i still glare at my cellphone waiting for a message to pop in that i had to turn it on and off a lot of times, it made me feel really stupid.
i envied my nephew cause his weekend is simple. he just want a time out from school and a whole lot of playing. how simple life is when you are a child.. in that moment, i wished i was still a child so i would not have to go through this to be happy.
today, i went with R to a lecture. since he has another meeting after the presentation, he left the Q&A part to me and a colleague. and my passion for teaching was reignited. i love the look in these kids faces when i answer their questions and made them laugh at the same time. i love the look of ünderstanding in their faces when i explained unionism/unfair labor practice and all those sorts. i hope i can be given a chance to share my intelligence to the world. hehe.
so i successfully hurdled day 2 with work, two bottles with my good friend E and conference call with K and T. I'm currently coursing through day 3 with my usual struggle... so i had a toast before i even get into that unbearable zone. There's just so much misery when one is hungry.
I am so thankful for my friend E that no matter how repetitive i have become, she's there to listen to me and give me a piece of her mind. Of course, i know her threshold is almost at the limits-- and yet, she still gave me the lift that i sorely need. So i talked and told her about my thoughts. Through this, i discovered something about me.
I cannot tolerate infidelity or third party. I'd stick it out no matter how hard life is... i'll die fighting for you even against yourself.. i'll run after you like crazy if you want.. i'll sleep on the streets with you.. i'll bail you out.. but the moment you cheat on me.. or the moment i know you are with someone else. that is my red sign. this is where i stop.
there was only a time when i violated that red sign and never done it again. I do not love halfheartedly.. and I believe I deserve whole love in return.
At the moment, my struggle includes diverting thoughts from the ex and wondering what the ex is doing. so far, been doing good i guess.. i will just have to find more outlets. :) i want to stop sighing too deep though. It has become a habit that I fail to notice that i am frequently doing it.
Life is too short. I am responsible for myself and as what Susan said:Stop worrying. Stop obsessing. Focus on you, be good to you, and move on.
day 1 is officially done. and i just need to pat myself for doing a good job. i literally struggled this morning in bringing my sun sim.. at the back of my head i want her to be sorry... to literally run after me.. but after a while, i asked myself.. is that what i really wanted? and the answer is no. i want to experience new things and i would not have that by doing the same thing. susan is really a great help. it processed my emotions and made me understand what i am going through. Of course, there is work which kept me busy the whole day.
i presided the deliberation on the labor code review today and i got feedbacks that i did a pretty nice job handling the flow of the discussion. at least there is one factor in my life that is blooming at the moment.. and i am grateful for that.
i also got a message from the G, reprimanding me for seeing P. i replied and went on with my day. I got 2 messages from P which i totally ignored. I just want to focus my time and energy on something that would appreciate me.
Of course when it is time to go home, i come home to a sad heart and there goes the questions again. I drove these thoughts away cause im tired from today's deliberation I just might find myself crying again. I already started my day crying.. i don't want to end it that way. I am sad of course, but i'll live and someday when everything has been forgiven and forgotten--- these things just wont matter.
Also, a friend invited me to go to Tagaytay this saturday afternoon. :) such a great opportunity to unwind from a week of tedious work and emotional havoc. I can't wait to get better and I am excited to meet the new me. Cause I am really banking on what susan said.. that once i am better, better people will surely come my way. :)
I am ending my day one with a lesson that I learned today: Forgive but give no chances.
In a healthy relationship you don’t turn common human foibles into litmus tests of love. You don’t withhold love, you don’t get nuts over little things. You pick your battles and you’re not mean to each other (though Michael would have considered me making him wear dress pants to be mean. ) You give and you get a certain standard of behavior no matter what. You do not cheat. You do not lie. You do not call someone names. You do not treat someone like shit. That is NOT THE STANDARD.
it is time for me to be honest to myself. i know my relationship with the G was long over. and yes, there was a time when i wanted to have a second chance with her. but she's in a committed relationship now and i would just have to live with that fact.
from time to time, i secretly meet with P. she, like G, has a girl now. although she would insist that she's just nothing, that they are not together... the pictures-- the messages-- the circumstances all pointed to one direction. they are together. so why did i still meet with P despite this situation, you might want to ask me. she would meet with me for dinner, movie or just simple pleasures of life. but really.. i cannot stand her lies. i am way smarter than what she thinks of me. i effing told her that. she bought me a phone just this week. a present she said.. it's a sony ericsson xperia.. something that i've been wanting for so long. i stayed in touch with her cause after all the hard stuff that i've been through because of her, i believe i deserve to these simple indulgence.
it was something shortlived. these prizes comes with a high price. in the process, i sacrifice my self-respect and worth cause of these superficial things. my tears and my broken heart are more than enough payment for the time and money spent. i thought i love P.. there was even a time when i thought i loved her more than the G. It was probably brought about by the fact that she claimed that she's alone and i am the only family she had. but really, no matter how hard life was with her-- i am still feeling the hurt and pain brought by these circumstances. no matter one looks at it, i still have to accept the fact that i loss something.
So how messed up is that, right? and why would i be writing these humiliating facts about me here? cause i today, i know i have to do something for myself. i have to love and respect me. otherwise, i will be forever in this hellhole that i have built for myself. I do not want to lie anymore. I do not want to be in this situation anymore. I deserve something better.
So starting today, there will be no talking about the G or P. there will only be me.
to you koni, i am sorry i have forgotten all about you. i am sorry i dragged you into this. you deserve so much more and yet, i let you settle for something that's not even worth half of you. for that i can only apologize. i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for these pain and for letting you undergo such misery. no matter how broken you are, rest assure that you will be whole once again. i'll make sure of that.. or i'll die trying.
so i've decided to finally do it. and with the grace of God I know i will pull this through. i can't wait for that day when i am once again whole. I know my relationships were not perfect and I've been changed by the circumstances that I have been to. If this is the only way to help myself then by all means.
I am not a bad person. I believe I am too kind to a fault that people tend to abuse it. I am a fighter. I am a cool, funny girl. a warm loving woman who would move the world for the person she loves. i'd say i am quite intelligent. bossy at times and spoiled rotten at most. i love warm and tight embraces, holding hands and kisses in between. I love aesthetic stuff.. photography, music and theater. i love colors.. bright and warm just alike. i love bags, perfumes and footwear. i love funny, sweet and intelligent people.
someday, someone will find and keep me despite my imperfections. until that day, let's do this.
before our last talk two days ago, i never gave much credit to G's claim that she and her girl are now separated. To me, it's just a lover's quarrel and reconciliation is always possible. no matter how busy she is at work, she'd always find time to reply to me. so when she suddenly became so quiet-- i wondered what's goin on. the ugly and undeniable truth is that her girl flew to cebu to reconcile with her. and based from the answers that i got from the G, they are back together.
it was painful.
yes, i do not have the right to feel pain because the G and I are not together-- but subtly i was hoping for our second chance. I have been very vocal about it. I couldn't breathe. I felt choked.. the pain was just too much. and that's the point i decided i have to let go. for the nth time in our lives, she has chosen another over me. my heart couldn't stand it. at the back of my head--- it felt like everything was doing great until this ugly truth hit me in the face.
she said she's glad i finally decided to make myself better. and i snapped back, telling her to cut the pep talk cause she's just making everything harder than it already is.
i wish for this pain to go away. it is clouding my head.. filling my chest with heaviness i just want to rid off. Ate said di naman daw kami magkasundo ni G. Or siguro talagang love niya si J kaya ganun, which made everything heavier and more painful.
a few days back, i had a dream about the G. in it i was crying cause she left me and I was looking for her everywhere. i woke up in tears. I never thought it was prelude for today.
So I cry today.. I will feel terrible today but tomorrow-- I am brushing everything off.
