rants and ramblings

on an afternoon like this

i opened my memory box and recall my childhood.. my old friends, people i love that have passed on and things that i used to do when life was not yet this complicated.

life was hard but it was simpler. being a child, its all about play, toys and friends. decision-makings are left to the adults and your concept of love is limited to family relations. it was that time when the feeling of infatuation makes every daydream worth doing and believed that life can be a fairy tale.

When one grows old -- life becomes more complicated. responsibilities pile up and sometimes, we get confused between what we need and what we want. people expects you to decide for yourself (which really makes your life more complicated! swear!) and your concept of love expands to having someone to call your own and spending eternity with that person. love is a weird drug.

don't get me wrong, i enjoy being an adult. i enjoy having that freedom and capacity to do whatever i want. but sometimes, it gets too tiring that i just want to get away from it all. i know some people accuse me of being too childish or immature for my age. and recently, i discovered that yeah-- romantically speaking, my emotional equation is younger than my numerical age. i can't seem to meet the EQ of those 30++s. Of date, i haven't met a 30++s who is actually willing to play daytona with me in the arcade. ewan. weird ako.

the child in me lives on..

horrible

i cant wait for friday to arrive. cause it means--- no work on weekends and its time for me to go out with my friends on a drinking spree. i spent half of the day at the old office endorsing the records to the new clerk of court. i talked like i've never talked before cause it's really hard when you're confined in a cubicle and got no one to talk to. yes.. i'm in dire need of company. unlike others who enjoy enclosures-- offices or similar places, i'd like to be where the people are. im not really into doors, dividers or anything that hinders human interaction. i guess im a people person. ^^

so anyway, after office hours we decided to have some dinner and decided to go to harbor square. we chose DENCIO's and i must say that its a bad, bad, bad choice!! their customer service sucked big time. we have to asked them to clean our tables for like three times.. and waited an hour for our order to arrive. their people doesnt know what customer service is. we have to ask them to change our plates and our utensils. even the bill has a problem. hay naku, even as i write about it-- i relive the frustrations all over again. ARGH!

we can't wait to get out of DENCIO's. really. it was like a nightmare or even a practical joke.

So don't eat there. really.

Labels: just venting out

haberday

I'd like to thank the Lord for all the blessings that he has given me. For my family, who never failed to support me. For my friends, who let me cry and dried my tears. Who laughs with me and share bottles of beer with me. For that special someone who loved me and taught me a lot. For the people who value me in their lives. For the invention of laptop, dsl and electricity, I could not thank you enough Lord!

My birthday wish(es): i wish my family health and prosperity. happiness for my friends (syempre ako din!). My wish for myself -- hmm i wish i can live my life the way i want it. I wish for strength, courage, perseverance, patience, wealth, health, trust, understanding, great ---. and love, Love, LOve, LOVe and yes LOVE! Fine.. i'll add world peace as well. amp!

babang luksa

it's nanay's 1st death anniversary tommorow.

Nothing has changed. My heart still feels the same. kanina tinitingnan ko mga litrato ng nanay ko. hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin tanggap. hanggang ngayon nagkukunwari pa rin ako na andyan lang sya natutulog o umalis at nagtungo sa palengke.

isang taon na pala ang lumipas pero ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ganun pa rin katindi. ganun pa rin kasakit.

mahirap walang nanay.

mahirap ng wala ang nanay ko.

Labels: family

the way i want to be

my birthday is coming soon and i'll be turning 31.

pondering on my life.. i wonder how many opportunities and experiences i had to evade because i'm afraid to leave my comfort zone. How many bad and good decisions have i made? am i living the life that i want to be? is this the person i want to become?

it all boils down to the fact that everything was my choice. everything that i have now and everything that have happened to me were results of good or bad decisions i made for myself. i called them into my life. i lured them in my world. but then how many decisions have i really decided for myself? not even more than 10. my family has my life planned for me. at 5 years old, they already know that i SHOULD become a lawyer. at 30 years old, they DECIDED who i should be.. and who to be with. and i let them because that's just the way i am. that's they way i was raised and that's what they expected of me.

in my silence and soltitude i cry for freedom. to decide on my own and have them respect it. i want to grow up. i want to expand my wings, feel the air against my face and feel alive. i want to have a fulfilling life. imagine wishing for these things at age 31..

i have limited myself to what my parents, friends and society has to say. i have limited myself by pleasing everybody. i feel so restrained. i want to be there the action is. i want to explore the world so i'd stop wondering of the unknown.

i want to live my life. i want to take risks. i want to be out there and not get scared. i want to experience life fully.

Labels: just venting out, moments

conversations

I forwarded this message to neth (dated feb 1, 2008):

If you're not sure where you stand in someone's life, it's best to leave things behind so that if they drop you off, it will be easier to forget them. Don't waste time waiting for nothing, when efforts are not recognized, its best to just give things up, you've done your part, let them do theirs.

which lead to the following conversation:

Her:Para sa akin ba to or para syo? Haha
Me: Abah, para sa akin.. Ipinasa ko sayo dahil your my conscience. Hehe

Her:At tulad ng lahat ng konsensya mas madalas ini-ignore. hehe

Her:Hahaha. Tado. Nakuha mo ba atm at credit card mo?

Her:Magkikita o nagkita na naman kayo? Check mo ba laman nyan?
Me: Nope, mas ok nga na di na kami magkita. Puro pasakit lang namna sya.
Me: May meeting sya. Iniwan lang yung atm. D naman nya gagalawin yu. Kilala ko yun.


Her:Yan ang gusto mong paniwalaan. pero ang totoo gusto mong magkita kayo. lahat naman ng ginagawa mo ay para magkita kayo. kahit yung pagmeet mo sa kapatid nya. you've been there before, andyan ka na naman ngayon.
Me: I kept my promise lang mare, Kahapon she told me na sya talaga tumawag not her brother. Lamo mo I cried kasi hinanap nya ako.


Her:Mare, magulo sya. bakit nya ginawa yun. anong gusto nya. sinabi nya sayo and i was there na mag-upgrade ka naman kapag nakakita ka ng iba. and yet wala pa man nangyari kung ano ano na sinabi nya.
Me: Tama ka nga mare, she doesnt want me to move on. Kaya every week ginaganito nya ako. Gusto nya akong maging miserable. Ako naman si tanga, takbo pag tumawag sya.

Her:Sabi ko nga, you're allowing her to do that do you. sabihin natin mahal ka nga nya kaya lang madami lang syang problema. masyado syang mayabang, hanggang kelan ka magiging ganyan. nakakapagod yan.
Me:Di mo lang alam kung gano ko kapagod mare. Ayaw ko na ng pakiramdam na ganito. Pagod na ako. Kailangan ko na ng external na tulong.

Her:Anong external na tulong? kelangan mo ng psychiatrist? o kelangan mo ng bubugbog sa kanya?
Me:Kailangan ko ng protection from myself.

Her:Kung sumusunod ka lang sana. kaya lang magkaibigan tayong mtigas ang ulo. ano pa nga ba kundi andito lang ako. kelangan talaga dumamay. hehe
Me:Alam mo, nabasa nya mga sent messages ko sa cp. she told me, flirting daw ako. Weird.

Her:Wala syang pakielam dun. you can flirt anytime you watn kasi youre single. Hay, andami nyang problema sa buhay. Emotionally imbalanced sya. baliw sya.
Me:Nahihiya nga ako magkwento dahil i brought this to myself.. sabi ni jas, maswerte daw yung mga mamahalin natin. Hehe

Her:Ikaw maswerte talaga minamahal mo, you give everything, wala ka ngang limitations e. Gago lang talaga sila. Alam mo you're like my ex. nagbibigay sya not because he expects something back, nagbibigay kasi mahal nya lang talaga ako. gago lang talaga ako. haha.
Me:Totoo, di nya alam kung ano gusto nya eh. Pauwi plang ako mare, 3.30 hours just to get the fucking atm.

Her:Hindi mare, nagmamahal lang. Pero sana alam mo kung kelan wala ng kwenta ang minamahal mo. tulad ni G. hehe
Me:Hahaha.. Oo gago ka. Buti alam mo. Andun yung happiness ko eh. Tanga ko no? Haha

Her:Ano pa nga ba. sabi mo nga dati kailangan dumamay. hehe oo wala syang kwenta kasi ginawaga nya yan sayo.
Me: Mare, thank you for always understanding me and for those nice words.
Me: Wala ba talaga syang kwenta?
Me:Lam mo ba sabi nya, panigurado daw sa mga kwento ko, masama sya at ako kawawa. Di nya mapatawad pamilya ko sa pag alis nya sa bahay.

Her:Puwes kung di nya mapatawad pamilya mo tigilan ka na nya. Hayaan ka na nyang makahanap ng iba. Someone na hindi mayabang.
Me:she wanted me to stand up for her, yun ang bottomline.

Her:So, pag nakalipat ka ng bahay kayo na ulit?
Me: Nope, mare. ayaw na nya sa akin, remember? Di na daw nya gusto yun.

Her:Demanding sya masyado. gemini kasi. hehe anong expect nya, ang relasyon nyo ay hindi pa masyadong tangap ng society ano pa kaya pamilya mo. She should give them a break.
Me: sabi nya, kung pinaglaban ko daw sya. Malalaman daw nila kung ano sya sa buhay ko. Lam mo ba mare, sumasama ako sa kanya nun. pero iniwan nya ako. Wag na daw..wawa naman daw si tatay.

Her: Kung ayaw nya e di wag. Haba ng hair nya ha. Hintayin mo n lang mapagod ka. Tingin ko di ka pa pagod kasi isang tawag lang nya andun ka kaagad.
Me:E kasi nakikita mo si hudas. Gusto ko na mag move on mare. We got stuff to do. Di fair na tayo lang ang api lagi.

Her:Bago palang naman break up nyo, normal pa lang yan. ako nga ilang buwan na nasasaktan pa rin. leche. hehehe
Her:hahaha.. oo nga nakikita ko kasi si hudas. Hangang kelan mo balak magsumiksik sa kanya. Mare, tumigil ka na. Sundin mo yung itinext mo sa akin kanina. you had done ur part, now its time to stop and let her do her part.
Me: I'm tired na mare, and to tell you frankly, feeling nya wala akong effort at she had done her part.

Me: Ganda ng mga text mo neth, parang nasasaniban ka! Hehe!
Her: Hahaha. gago ka. ganyan talaga pag hindi nag-inom ng isang linggo. Hahaha


Her:Pagdating ng mga araw na yun, maglalaway mga ex natin at magsisisi sila. hahaha
Me:Di bale ng di sila maglaway at magsisi.. Ang important masaya tayo... tapos.. SILA HINDE!!!!! Wahahahah!

Her:Mas gusto ko yun. Bwahahah!

--yep, kinda long but it makes me smile everytime i read it.

Labels: funny, relationships

how it feels like

i've done these before..asking myself how it feels like be working again. since i moved out of my old office.. i decided to give it another try.

to work in a new environment?
-- its exciting and scary to be working in a a new environment. hope that i'd be able to adjust to my voluminous workload.. and i do hope that i'd still be able to have fun inspite of all the paperworks to be done.

i know i'd be learning a lot from this job. and as always, when there is good pay.. there is a lot of work.

as of the moment, i have 10 cases waiting for me (with deadlines at that.) but I will try my best to deliver. i will! really!!

to meet new people?
-- i like meeting new people. and i believe that except to a few-- i can really be friendly and accomodating. i would like more friends and connections of course (for future references.. haha!)

to move out of your comfort zone?
-- i miss my old office, which is not far from where i work now. but the thought of not seeing familiar faces every morning breaks my heart. i do wonder if they miss me the way i miss them. i miss my friends.. my old cubicle.. my old but reliable, virus infected computer... and my laid back life.

to create new dreams?
-- dreams.. dreams.. i still have the old ones.. same old dreams that i had when i was still a little girl and addicted to fairy tales.

to set new goals?
-- my new goals include, finishing all these cases. clearing my table of any kind of paper. get a new laptop probably. get healthy. live a healthy life. love. live.

not think of her?
-- yeah.. i know you would say-- "there she goes again. yapping.. blah blah blah..". my professional life took hold of my thoughts that i have not thought of her until a few minutes ago. I looked out the window and wonder where could she be.. and how she's doing.

i push people to move on with their lives after a failed relationship.. yep.. i push them until they give up in exasperation. until they cry foul. and honestly, i wish i can do the same to myself. wish i can push myself to totally let go of everything that we were and accept what we have become. i need to embrace it. breathe it. and do u know what the sad part is? it's when you realize that no matter how hard you try.. that inspite of it all.. you are still a little in love.

Labels: just venting out, love, moments, work related angst

beneath the surface

by: incognito

Here I sit and watch the crowds go by
Papa da papa papa yeah
But there's only one face I can see
If only they would understand
Papa da papa papa yeah
I'd open the door and let him in

Chorus:
How long can I hide, what I'm feeling inside
My love is a river, that's got to make its way into sea
This feeling can't hide, Lord knows I've tried
Beneath the surface
Beneath the surface

I try, though I know I'm hanging on a string
Papa da papa papa yeah
You're the only one thing on my mind
Keeps floating to a distant shore
Papa da papa papa yeah
As I go on denying myself

Chorus

Oh, keeps turning round in my mind
Oh, round and round in my mind

Here I sit and watch the crowds go by
Papa da papa papa yeah
But there's only one face I can see

Chorus x 2

--->>> anybody got the mp3 of this song? please drop me a line and i'll get in touch with you ASAP. ^^ I would really appreciate it. swear.

Labels: songs

Oh please!

Met S online. I thought it was one of those things that would eventually lead to friendship. However, each time I get to talk to her-- I would always end up feeling irrate and frustrated. Seems like she's so into herself. She would always talk about her. her. and yeah, HER. Her world, her life, her shit and those stuff. So, I am admitting to you, world that: yes, I can be a mean girl; that yes, I'm impatient when it comes to braggy, know it all aholes; and yes, i hate people wasting my valuable time.

I don't like people who thinks they are better than the rest of us. I hate opinionated people too. If I want some advise, may it be personal or professional-- I have the guts to ask for them. So unless, you are asked... Kindly keep your opinions to yourself, since you're the only one who thinks they're brilliant. And don't demand from me either, I don't know you. In short, di tayo close.

I can't bear it anymore-- I have to do something about since I don't want to suffer her horrendous, awful, and exasperating presence.

Sorry,S. You've just been eliminated.

Labels: funny, just venting out

yikes

my bag got slashed on my way home. thankfully, the bastard was not able to get my wallet and my phone. I don't know exactly where it happened. I did not feel anything. All I know is that I'm feeling quite sick and I just want to go home. My attention was called by an old man. I got cold sweat while checking the contents of my bag.

these people should be shot in the head. they're a bunch of tards that want easy money. wish i got hold of him so i could slash his balls off or something. their laziness is just inexcusable. for the love of God, why don't they get decent jobs? Why didn't they study in the first place? ah yeah-- i forgot, its because they're lazy to attend school. they want easy money at the expense and detriment of other hard working people. wish he'd get caught or get ganged up. i wish somebody would teach him his lesson. yah,i might feel sorry later on for saying these things but at the moment.. im just pissed.

Labels: just venting out

mediator-arbiter

Now I can officially write about it.

I got my appointment papers today but the happy feeling did not last. I immediately recognized the fact that soon, I would be moving into a new office.. work with new set of people.. and study again new laws. I hate the fact that I'm leaving my cubicle and my friends. Change is inevitable and imminent. I don't want to leave my comfort zone-- basically because I really do not know what is ahead of me. Would I gain friends? Would I be able to live up to what is expected of me? I'm scared of the new duties and responsibilities. I've grown attached to my friends in the office. I confide in them-- they all know about me and accepted me. I want to celebrate my birthday with my Legal Service family!

Now that Nanay's first death anniversary is approaching, my thoughts are always about her and the things that we were doing before her attack. I feel melancholy these past few days thinking what else we could've done to save her or if we made the right decisions that time. I miss her so much. I sense permanency in this loss.

So there, new office. new job. new people to work with. new trials but same old me.

Goodluck to me.

Labels: just venting out, work related angst

bulsyet

Kahapon ay araw ng pamimili sa grocery. Habang papunta kami dun, napag-usapan naming magkakapatid yung nangyari sa pinsan namin. Dahil may isang balikbayan sa aming baryo na naghahanap ng mapapangasawa. Marami na syang niligawan sa baryo namin pero walang pumatol dahil matanda na sya -- hanggang naireto sya sa pinsan ko na agarang inaprubahan ng magulang nya. hayy.. Ang tyahin ko kasi di na ata naniniwala sa pag-ibig, sabi nya "sa panahon ngayon, security na dapat isipin". Naisip ko tuloy, mas maswerte ang mga ate nya sa kanya-- dahil nasunod ng mga iyon ang gusto nila. Ang lalaking napili nila ay yung lalaking mahal nila, hindi kamuka niya na pinilit dahil lang sa hirap ng buhay.

Ang ate ko naman, humirit-- di raw nila gagawin yun sa pamangkin kong babae-- sila daw, kung sino mahal ng pamangkin ko. Naisip ko na bulsyet lang ang sinabi nya..dahil kung ganun talaga, dapat tinanggap nila ang taong mahal ko.

Dahil sa pamilya namin, alam ko-- Nanay ko lang talaga ng tumanggap kay G. Tolerance is not acceptance. Yes, the rest of the family tolerated me-- they let G stay with us.. they let her visit me. Pero ibang tao pa rin ang tingin nila kay G. Sa kanilang lahat, bukod tanging si Nanay lang ang talagang tumupad dun sa panuntunan na mamahalin nya at tatangapin nya ang taong mahal ko.

Labels: family

kung anik anik

Nitong mga nakalipas na araw ang ahensyang aking pinagtatrabuhan ay nabisita ng KMU, BayanMuna, kung ano ano pang grupo ng aktibista at mga mangagawa na may kasong nakabinbin sa amin. Nagulat ako at nalungkot nung nalaman ko na nung Hwebes pala ay nagkaron ng dispersal sa mga nagra-rally. Marami ang nasaktan at maraming kagamitan din naman ang nasira. Sabi ng isa kong kaopisina,mabuti nga daw sa kanila dahil wala naman silang permit saka bayaran daw ang mga iyon. Nagpanting ang tenga ko at pinag-ugatan ito ng isang debate. Sinabi ko sa kanya, wala sya sa lugar para sabihin yun dahil hindi naman sya ang nagugutom-- di naman pamilya nya ang walang makain. Dapat kasi hinayaan na lang nila yung mga tao na mag vigil dun. So what kung maingay? So what kung makalat-- so what kung kailangan pa naming umikot para makalabas ng building?

Naguilty ako dahil minsan, ang tamad tamad ko sa trabaho.

x x x

Before my singing engagement at Music 21 last night. Elineth and I met P and Kat in Trinoma. We had dinner and talked. Since Kat has to stay in Trinoma to do business, I decided to bring P to Music 21. We met Shey and her friends and had a crazy night.

P is a friend material. Someone who would knock your head when your confused. She's overly defensive and her mood swings are really really bad. She would be singing, laughing and doing crazy antics at one time and would totally keep silent at another. Drove me crazy 'cause i brought her there and i don't want her to ruin everything.

She was more interesting than D though but not the type that I would want to be in a relationship with.

ps: I got drunk and read G's journal. Apparently, she didn't forget ate's bday and still thought of herself not good enough to be part of my family. *sigh*

x x x

Today is Dino and Elsa's wedding day. I woke up with a headache and sad broken heart. To top it all-- I got a message from G telling me to change the number of my mobile device in ym. The hell. I feel so melancholy today-- remembering G all the time.. I felt that knot of pain in my heart. Weddings do this to me. Maybe its old age creeping in my head. Tsk.

Labels: just venting out, politics

hay naku G!

Sobrang nakakalito lahat ng nangyayari sa amin nitong si G. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto nya. Gusto ba nya ako? Gusto ba nyang magkaayos kami o gusto na nyang lumimot? Sobrang marami ng sakit ang naidulot namin sa isa't-isa...na natatakot akong makausap, makita at makasama sya. Dahil masyadong malaki ang kapalit ng konting oras na yun..masyadong masakit. Para kasing nasa loob kami ng basong bilog ..paulit ulit nalang..linggo linggo. Magkikita kami, magsasaya pagkatapos ibabalewala nya lang ako. Tapos tatawag na naman sya.. magpapakyut..tapos ako tatakbo ako kahit nasan sya para makasama ko sya..tapos magsasaya..at pagkatapos mababalewala na naman. At iisipin ko bakit ganun? Ano ba ang mali? Tapos tatanungin ko sya kung gusto pa nya ako o ayusin na namin to-- tapos sasabihin na naman nya, di pede.. o ok na tong sitwasyon na to .. o natatakot sya na masaktan nya lang ako.

Linggo linggo nalang na ginawa ng Diyos.

Nakakalito na. Nakakapagod. Hindi ko naisip ni minsan na mapapagod akong mahalin sya. Hindi ko naisip na ang sakit pala, nakakabura ng pagmamahal. Dumating na ako sa punto na twing iisipin ko kung gano ko sya kamahal -- sobrang sakit ang nararamdaman ko. At umabot na rin ako sa punto na ayaw ko na ng sakit.

Nung araw na huli kaming nagkita, sabi nya sa akin "I would be your last straw..", sobrang saya ko nun dahil ibig sabihin, kahit anong mangyari di nya ako pababayaan. She would always have my back. I held on to that promise. Masaya naman ang naging lakad namin-- parang dati hanggang kailangan na nyang umalis para sa isang meeting. Hindi naman ako pwedeng sumama sa meeting nya.. kaya walang ibang pedeng gawin kundi umuwi. Tanaw tanaw ko sya habang nagsindi sya ng yosi at naglakad papunta ng mrt. Alam ko.. di na naman sya magtetext ng ilang araw.. alam ko mag eexpect na naman ako sa wala.

Kinabukasan, sobrang busy sya sa mga meeting nya kaya di kami nagkita kahit nasa Ortigas lang kami ng kaopisina para sa isang research. Pagkatapos nyang sabihin na may meeting sya-- di na sya nagparamdam.

Hwebes kinabukasan ng mapagalitan ako ng boss ko. Sobrang takot ko.. Sobrang panic ko na baka matanggal ako sa trabaho. Ang punyetang boss ko, di pa nasiyahan na pagalitan lang ako. Nagtawag pa ng meeting para magbroadkast ng kamaliang nagawa ko. Bago pa ang meeting, tinext ko sya. Tinanong ko kung nasan sya at medyo badtrip ako sa trabaho. Walang reply. siguro tulog dahil magdamag kasi ang pasok nya. Nagtext ako ulit, sabi ko kailangan ko ng embrace dahil sobrang badtrip nga. siguro ng mga 3-4 na beses. Sa wakas nagreply sya, nasa meeting daw sya. Sabi ko magkita kami ng gabi dahil nga sobrang lungkot ko. Ang sabi nya di daw sya uuwi until the next day at wala daw sya sa manila.

Ni hindi nya ako kinamusta kung natanggal na ba ako o ano. Ni wala man lang pang boost ng self-esteem na pilit niyurakan ng punyeta kong boss. Akala ko ba, sya ang last straw ko?

Nalaman ko nasa subic pala sya.

Lumipas ang mga araw, ni hindi nya ako kinamusta kung ano ba nangyari sa akin at napagalitan ako ng boss ko.. hindi nya ako naisip, kinausap o kinontak hanggang kaninang hapon.

Online sya sa YM. Nagiwan ng message "hope alls well with you". tapos may message na Inaaya nya ako sa Alabang (dahil sinabi ko sa kanya na gusto ko sumama dun sa dating lugar kung san kami dati tumira. Natanga ako-- at nagbilang ng araw..ah isang linggo na pala ang lumipas mula ng huli kaming nagkita. Alam ko na mangyayari..kaya ang sabi ko sa kanya, I changed my mind-- di nalang ako sasama. Sabi nya, ok daw.

Bago ako umuwi, nagtext sya, "In a week's time, everythin will be different from this side of the world too."

ANO YUN?!

Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto nya. Ako pa ngayon ang dapat maguilty. E hindi naman ako may gusto nito. In this relationship, I'm the stayer and she's the goer.. and my other journal can attest to that.

I feel so frustrated now that she's making me feel guilty and that this is all my fault.

I wish she would stop hurting me.

Labels: just venting out, love, moments, relationships

thoughts

P came when everybody was so busy running their own lives . There was a time when I did not pay attention and ignored her her totally. Everything changed when one night she became my refuge. My only escape when the world made me feel worthless. P is funny, sensible, witty, intelligent, not bad looking and seems to make me laugh all the time. Sounds like a perfect catch huh? Almost but not quite the catch that I am looking for. You see, P is more troubled than ex...she's overly demanding of time and ain't time my weakest point? She's overly sensitive and Ain't I coldhearted? Most importantly, she has an ever present ex in her life. So that is a big No, Never, Nunca in my vocabulary. In many ways she's like G, and I was amazed to discover that I have the inclination to associate myself to pyschologically and emotionally challenged people(so what does that make me?).

We talk everyday and looks forward to our intellectual battles. We challenge our brains and play with words. I find it ironic that not too long ago-- I dont care about her existence. Of date, I wanted more and more of her. There are even times when I feel that green little monster budding into life. I try to ignore it but reality is P is becoming a part of my daily life. And it has to stop. Because otherwise, I will just open myself to demands that I cannot meet, frustration and confusion. I have to control my emotions now. I will not fall for her. I could not. I will not.

Labels: just venting out, moments