rants and ramblings

kanta ng no strings attached

this is really an old song. i heard it on the radio last night on my way home. it reminded me of my childhood, which is a favorite phase of my life. when i heard it, images of tatay and saudi arabia came in mind. it's just now that i get to read and understand its lyrics. such a wonderful music on weather like this. enjoy!


I Wanna be Free
By Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart

I wanna be free,
Like the bluebirds flying by me
Like the waves out on the blue sea.
If your love has to tie me,
don't try me,Say good-bye.

I wanna be free,
Don't say you love me say you like me,
But when I need you beside me,
Stay close enough to guide me, confide in
me,Oh-oh-oh

I wanna hold yur hand,
Walk along the sand
Laughing in the sun,
Always having fun
Doing all those things
Without any strings
To tie me down.

I wanna be free,
Like the warm September wind, babe,
Say you'll always be my friend, babe.
We can make it to the end, babe,
Again, babe, I gotta say:
I wanna be free
I wanna be free
I wanna be free

I wanna Be Free - The Monkees

ps: sa kantang yan pakiramdam ko ang tanda ko na. grabe, ang haba ng mayo sana matapos na siya. di na kasi ako natutuwa.

Labels: moments, songs

'nay ku pu

napaniginapan ko nanay ko kagabi.

nasa sta. mesa daw kami.. bumibisita sa dating mga kapit-bahay.

naglalakad kami sa sira-sirang kalsada ng road 5 ng mapadaan kami sa tapat ng apartment na tinitirhan nila aling judith.

si aling judith yung nagpi-piano sa choir sa chapel.

sabi ng nanay ko, dumaan raw kami.

sabi ko maiwan na ako sa labas ng bahay.

pumasok siya sa apartment. naiwan ako sa sira sirang kalsada pilit na inaaninag yung bahay ng kaklase ko.

maya maya pa, lumabas ang nanay ko sabi niya uwi na raw kami. dahil mas malapit na kami sa hippodromo-- dun na raw kami dumaan.

humawak ako sa braso niya at tinanong ko siya.

sabi ko, sinabi mo ba sa kanila na namatay ka 2 years ago at bumalik lang?

hindi sumagot ang nanay ko. hinawakan niya lang kamay ko. naglakad kami.

hindi kami makalabas ng road 5 papuntang hippodromo dahil baha, kulay chocolate na putik..paniguradong mapuputikan kaming dalawa kaya pumara siya ng tricycle. pumulot siya ng supot ng v-cut.

sumakay kami ng tricycle at sinabing sa pureza na lang kami ihatid.

sa loob ng tricycle malungkot ang nanay ko, kaya tinanong ko siya:

nay, masama ba loob mo na bumalik? napilitan ka lang ba bumalik dahil sa akin?

hindi sumagot ang nanay ko, isinuot niya lang yung kamay niya sa supot ng v-cut at ginamit na parang gwantes.

weird.

nagising ako alas 4 ng umaga.

nakakalungkot isipin na kahit sa kabilang buhay pinoproblema pa rin ako ng nanay ko.

Labels: family, moments

one liner

take your life back.


- yes i will.

Labels: one liners

obertawad

kanina pa ang uwian ko pero andito pa rin ako sa opisina. hinihintay ko si C dahil may pinapatapos sa kanyang trabaho. nalulungkot ako. masakit sa dibdib. lumilipad ang isip ko. pilit kong iniintindi bakit nasabi ni E na di na kami pwede ni G. dahil nung tinanong ko siya dati-- sabi niya, hindi na raw magwowork yun. bakit niya nasabi yun? ilang linggo na ang lumipas hindi ko pa rin maintindihan at hindi ko pa rin mahanap ang sagot. sana kasi sagutin niya ng maayos pag tinatanong ko siya.. leche.

nalulungkot ako sa ganitong oras..sinabi ko na yan dati.. nag aagaw na naman ang dilim at ang liwanag..kulay abo ang langit. malungkot ang ganitong oras.. kasi uwian na.. marerealize ko na naman kung gano ko nag-iisa. maglalakad na naman akong mag-isa.. sasakay mag-isa.. mawawala mag-isa. nakakapagod ng mag-isa.. ayaw ko ng mag-isa..

ayaw ko pag ganito ang pakiramdam ko.. kasi pag ganito pakiramdam ko.. gusto kong magwaldas ng pera.. gusto kong mag ubos ng pera na alam kong dapat tipirin.. gusto kong uminom.. gusto ko sa inuman.. masaya dun.. maingay.. lahat ng kwento masaya. At pag lasing ka na, wala ka ng mararamdaman. walang sakit..walang problema. naghihintay sayo ang kamang malamig.. ang kumot na yayakap sayo at ang unang walang kabuhay buhay na yayakapin mo. to hell with hang-over. at least kinabukasan, masakit ang ulo mo-- dun na matutuon lahat ng atensyon mo. hindi sa sakit sa dibdib na nararamdaman mo ngayon.

gusto kong sulatan ang nanay ko pero nahihiya ako sa kanya. nahihiya akong isulat sa kanya ang mga nararamdaman ko. nahihiya ako kasi parang wala naman akong direksyon. nahihiya ako kasi mahina ako.

hayyy gutom lang siguro to. sana...

Labels: moments, relationships

soapdish

Tensionado - Soapdish

Labels: love, relationships, songs

la lang

it's the 20th today. la lang. share ko lang.....

Labels: relationships

hay koni

you never learn.. you opened yourself to pain and rejection again. good job.

Labels: love, moments

kwento ng tanga

sabi nila matalino daw ako. sabagay.. maipapasa ko ba ang bar kung hindi? pero minsan kasi pakiramdam ko, sinuwerte lang ako.. at alam ko na binigyan lang ng pabor ng Diyos ang nanay ko. Nadaan sa dasal baga.

minsan naiisip ko mautak ako.. dangan kasi'y marami akong absences pero nakuha ko pa rin ang midyear ko.. di tulad ng iba.. nalusutan ko ang maraming bagay... sa sobrang dami ay limot ko na.

pero mas marami akong katangahan. wala pa namang gamot sa sakit na ito. sabi nga ng ate ko, uto-uto daw kasi ako. ano naman magagawa ko kung sa simpleng bagay sumasaya ako. alam ko rin crybaby ako.. may mga maliliit na bagay na sobrang nakakapagpaiyak sa akin..sabi ng ate ko, nana daw ako. iniisip ko ngayon kung ano ba mali sa akin..bakit ba kasi adik ako sa pagmamahal? mali ba ako ng paraan ng pagmamahal? mali ba mga taong napili kong mahalin? dangan kasi'y parang ang hirap sumaya. di kaya ako ang problema?

madalas kong naitatanong kung san ba ako sasaya talaga? naiisip ko lang sagot ay yung magkaron ako ng taong mamahalin ako ng walang kapalit. yung papaulanan ako ng pasensya at yung aarugain ako. aalagaan at poprotektahan ako ng higit pa sa ginawa ng magulang ko. yung mabuhay na alam ko mahal din niya ang pamilya ko at ako lang ang mahal niya kahit di kami magkasama. gusto ko ng pag-ibig na nagliliyab sa init. kapal ko no? naisip ko lang naman...

twing naiisip ko ang nakaraan ko.. tinatanong ko sarili ko kung wala ba akong kwenta at ang mga taong ito ay hindi nakikita ang halaga ko. kailangan ko pang mawala para maisip nila na gusto nila akong makasama.. kailangan ko pa magalit... dumanas ng sang laksang kunsumisyon para lang maisaksak sa makikitid nilang utak na hindi na tama ang ginagawa nila sa akin.

kaya sobrang sama ng loob ko hanggang ngayon sa pagkawala ng nanay ko... pakiramdam ko kasi siya lang tunay na nagpahalaga sa akin at sa kaya ko. siya lang yung nagpasensya sa mga kamalian ko. siya lang yung tao na kahit kelan hindi ako pinabayaan.

sana namatay na lang din ako kasama niya.

Labels: family, moments

Selfish bitch

The ex and I talked last night. It started out quite well.. and turned sour just like our conversations in the past. Honestly, I never thought she could still make me cry… not after a year (more or less). But apparently, she still could.. she can still inflict that pain that would pierce your soul.

Kasalanan ko naman eh. Whatever it is that’s going on with me—I brought this to myself. My choices and the decisions I made brought me to where I am now. I should have left her alone. I did (for a while) .. I tried really hard but I ended up here. A failure. I can’t even control myself. How I expect to be in control of the situation..?

When the talk was light.. I missed her more. I miss our laughs and how patient she is with me. But everything changes when she would talk about how much I have hurt her. I just want to run. I’m so ashamed of myself. All she ever wanted was to be with me. This lesson is tougher than I thought.

There’s never a day that I don’t remember her. I miss her more when I get to talk to her mom or when I read old mails.. that’s when I grow weak.. that’s when I eat everything that I have said. Sometimes, I read her letter rejecting me.. or letters from one of her in-betweens.. sometimes, I read how much I plead for her to come back.. that’s when I remember all the pain.. that’s when everything felt justified.

I don’t really like it when she asks me questions.. it makes me feel uneasy and foolish. They seemed so hard. What is it that I want from her? Do I want her back? And I wanted to answer in the affirmative.. and finally decided to eat my words… leaving space between us. Do I want us to be friends? Yes why not.. we were friends even before we were lovers, weren’t we? But I do know it’s not that easy… it’s not easy when she is already married.

That was a shocker.

How could she marry somebody else? How can I be so selfish to expect her to wait on me?

Shit naman talaga.

Labels: just venting out, love, relationships

one liners

i love clouds. these ones.

Labels: one liners, photos

post mother's day special

so it was mother's day yesterday. it's my third to be without nanay. we brought her flowers and said a little prayer.

moms and daughters were everywhere. and i feel envious. basically because they still have their moms and i don't. i honestly think that life would be definitely better if nanay is still with us. i just know it. i have never met anyone like her, you know? in two years-- i have still to meet someone who talks or laughs like her or as compassionate as her. i don't need to convince myself that she is one in a million.

being a mother is a tough job. taking care of the household.. you spend your whole life rearing your children ..educating them.. teaching them the values of life.. learning with them and i am glad my nanay accepted these responsibilities. inspite the hardships, endless trials, financial challenges.. i am glad my nanay embraced us (read: her family espcially us children and grandchildren) with open arms, loved us like crazy and protected us from the cruelty of society.

so love your mothers.. take care of them.. respect them.. and always be thankful for each day that you live. they can actually had you killed but decided to have you instead. kiss them. hug them. shower them with all the beautiful things that you can afford. they so deserve it.

salute to all mothers!

Labels: family, just venting out, moments

one-liners

life can be gone in a flash.




note to self: be a defensive driver!! shet!

Labels: one liners

what are you going to write your teen-age self?

listening to mo twister's show today, the title of this article came about. so, for whatever sentimental reason i might have, i am writing myself. and my letter will go this way:

dear teen-age me,

it's the year 2009 now and you are already 32 years old. i just want to tell you that life just keeps on getting better. you still daydream a lot even at this age. challenges are met.. and some battles have been won, yet the war is not yet over. to this day, you're still lost. pero di bale.. maybe a year or two you will finally be found.

anyway, that's not really why i am writing you. i am writing to tell you to gain more friends.. college life is going to be great but it would not really hurt to gain more friends and expand your network. hmm what else... it would not hurt to lose a little weight and don't worry about all the sweat and the pimples, it's just hormones! actually, you don't have to change anything as everything went well with you. stop being scared and take the risk. you will learn along the way.

love wholeheartedly and enjoy life.


hugs and kisses,

the older me

Labels: moments