rants and ramblings

2004: a recap

2004 was the year of the Green Monkey.

1. I turned 27.
2. First birthday that I'm with someone.
3. I had my first sortie.
4. My (ex)boss ran for re-election.
5. I got engaged in the campaign.
5. National Elections was held.
6. My (ex)boss lost.
7. I lost my job.
8. The jobs that I expected didn't push through because of the austerity measures enforced by the re-elected president.
9. I seldom see my beloved.
10. I didn't take the bar exams because I chickened out.
11. The person I love broke up with me.
12. I got hired and worked for a day, afterwhich, I tendered my resignation letter.
13. I got hired in a law office.. and started working after the day I resigned from the Makati Office.
14. Had a hard time proving how much I love my tat....
15. Tat celebrated christmas with us...and I spent time getting to know the real her.

There were a lot of death.. castatrophic events.. bless all their souls..

belated meri krismas

This is one special christmas for me.

I know this entry is somewhat late -- but what the heck? Christmas is not over til January 1. Anyway, I always look forward to the celebration of this festivity-- and years ago, I fervently prayed that "someday", I get to celebrate Christmas with the person I love. Someone whom you could share hot chocolates with-- someone to talk to during cold mornings... someone you could just hug when it's getting so cold at night.

I get to have all those this year. Yep... she's stayed over. They welcomed her like a new member of our family. She would stay at the sala and watch tv with my tatay... or stay in the kitchen to have a nice chat with my nanay... joke around with ate and sometimes, she would even play with my kuya's kids.

I could not thank her enough for giving me this another achievement. It is one goal achieved. Though there are a few setbacks-- I totally disregarded them and tried my best to have the best Christmas ever. She also met the clan during Christmas Day... The party was not fun as it used to be basically because we're all "old" now to play. Food was a blah-- but she's there and nothing matters. I love taking care of her. Cooking for her and fixing her things. I love it when she reprimands me (not always mind you).. telling me I'm forbidden to do this or that... asking me to change into better clothes.. cause it really feels like she cares for me. Weird huh? We talked and tell each other stories... about our childhood.. our work.. and our dreams.

I loved her before for the affection that she gave me... for the affection...for loving the true me....


I love her more because she was great with my family.

illicit

It's a very memorable day for me. After so much time of being apart-- I finally had my chance to be with my beloved. I have waited for yesterday since forever.. a time to be on our own. God took pity on me and gave a little piece of heaven.

Earlier yesterday, I thought that she stood me up because she was late. I felt like crying-- cause I'm not sure whether she really wanted to see me or not. You can just imagine my relief when she sat across me. I almost jump out of my seat to embrace and thanked her for just by being there.

We had our talk-- but we have just covered the past.. we reminisced good and bad times.. feeling sorry that we ended up in this path. Yep-- I was once the legal girlfriend... and look what I am now.

So many things to tell her and ask her-- but all I can say was I love you. I felt all the yearning and the pain she once felt because of my neglect and pride. I prayed that time would stand still-- and even consider trading for an extension. Yes-- I dreaded the coming of the new day. Cause it would mean parting ways and going back to reality.

She's still afraid of me and my promises. And frankly, I feel the futility of all these... what keeps me going? my love and determination that i will not let her go down.

immortality

After all I have said against FPJ during the Campaign Season--- I really find it hard to talk about him now. Yep.. I'm guilty... I'm one of the cynics who challenged his capacity and sincerity to govern. Anyway, Mamae said FPJ achieved immortality by dying at his peak. I could not agree more-- he has touched so many lives, either personally or through his movies-- he would always remain in the hearts of our countrymen. He would always be the one person who could fight a truckload of japanese soldiers and lives.

By dying, he achieved eternal life.

Being immortal is easy-- you just have to do good deeds for other people. A smile to a kid... a kind gesture... by doing these little things, you touch people's lives and eventually, as years passes by-- they would remember this person who smiled at them when they're feeling so tired or weak.. they would remember this kind gesture when everybody else was mean to them... they would remember this significant small act of kindness and they would remember you. Writing down events, noting them... jotting down my emotions-- reminds me of people i knew.. feelings i felt. Writing gives them immortality. This is my concept of immortality.

happiness

I was so happy when finally she was able to make a sale. Silently, I thanked God for answering my prayer. It was quite a surprise to feel this gladness in my heart when finally, she was able to make a sale. I guess it only re-affirm that her happiness is my happiness also...


HEART OF MINE

ONE DAY YOU MAY FIND TRUE LOVE
THAT WILL LAST FOREVER AND EVER
TILL THEN YOU'LL SPEND
A LIFETIME WISHING ONE TOGETHER
YOU NEVER THOUGHT SHE'D SAY GOODBYE
AND YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND
THE REASONS WHY

HEART OF MINE
HOW WILL YOU KEEP FROM DYING
STOP REMINISCING WHO IS SHE KISSING?
HEART OF MINE
OH WHAT'S THE USE IN TRYING
NO ONE CAN MEND YOU NOW

LOVE PLAYS CRUEL GAMES
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S FOUND
ANOTHER LOVER
"DOES SHE MISS ME?"
SOMETIMES YOU JUST CAN'T HELP
BUT WONDER
NO, YOU CAN'T HOLD THE HANDS OF TIME
AND YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THE ONE
SHE LEFT BEHIND

HEART OF MINE..........

feeling sick

Drinking spree last night caught up with me...I'm feeling so bad right now and I keep on sneezing.. damn! haaaaay... brighter days are coming I guess... work is fine.. worries are starting to drift away from me... :) Lord is guiding my way.

christmas party

Had our Christmas party last night.. and I got so fucking drunk. Heheeheh.. It was fun cause we had this game wherein we asked someone to describe her/his FIRST TIME. We're so shocked! It was literally a sexual reenactment! Wahahhahaha!! Haayyy... I'm still here at home.. figuring out what time I'm going to work.

Ailes and Di texted me and asking me to go to Baguio with them.. But I have to be responsible enough to check on my pending pleadings first before I could pack my bags and fly away.

Nothing has changed.. I'm just stronger I guess..

time

Time has been my number 1 enemy. Eversince I was still in law school... to falling in love... to falling out of love... to make things work... time has always moved on without me.

And I realized that love alone can not make relationship work. Funny, I am so numb right now, still missing her but finally, my heart is compromising with my brain. There are things that are meant for you. And the last year..well.. even half of it.. Fate thought that she was meant for me. We complimented each other very well-- but things just don't work the way we expect them to be. Sometimes, we get knocked on the head to realize things that still need polishing. I thought I could not give her the time and attention that she direly needed... I thought...

Thinking too much can really cause you misery... you think, you plan.. and before you knew it-- you are already chickening out. This is what I get for too much planning.. this is what i deserve for too much thinking. Yes.. I will still love her come what may... and I will move on. With God's help and guidance, I know I will be ok.

time...

only two weeks late....

time...

I got all the time in the world... and no one to share it with..

time...

My long lost enemy has come back with a vengeance.. teaching me a lesson in a real hard way.

time...

one day, you will no longer leave me behind.

counselling

I'm in need of counselling. I won't deny it anymore. I need help. I'm having a hard time moving on. I'm really having a hard time letting go of all the memories and all this pain. I still think of her often-- her thoughts fills my mind. I try to divert my attention to my work-- to my friends-- to possible new love, but I just can't do it. I'm so broken. There's just so many memories to erase.. i just want to forget.... =\

mirror mirror

"mirror, mirror hanging on the wall..."

so..what is the next step? move on little by little... and eventhough I see lots of things that reminds me of my past, no matter how painful each memory brings..I have to let them all slip away. Now my inspiration is totally out of my reach-- I thought I need a new one, FAST. But I don't heal that way-- I am not yet ready to stake my heart on the line again... I'm still recovering. I need to be on my own.

She was my first. We were talking yesterday at the office and I heard someone mentioned that the First is really hard to forget. And then--when the right one comes along..and you would think of your First and cringe.. and then you will laugh your head out cause you'd wonder what made you fall for that person in the first place. But mine is different-- maybe because it's still fresh. I think of my first and I feel so much pain cause it didn't work out for us.

I was willing to kick society and its expectations in the ass. I had that courage to defy not only the will of my friends-- but the will of my family (in case they will not understand). I was that deeply in love. I never expected I could be this passionate about love and commitment. I never expected I could fall this deep. Mahirap pala umahon. But I don't want to love half-heartedly... cause what's the sense in that? So in the meantime-- I just have to be single/not looking.

I could have been selfish and made my way through... I could be persistent.. determined...typical makulit.. but I respect Carms. But you know? If I were on her shoe-- I was still young... legal.. I would have done the same things for Her. I would be there 24/7. I would want you to see that I am the best for you. I would try my best to make you fall in love with me. Sometimes, its not even love anymore-- but rather the knowledge that you have the power to snatch this person away from the one he/she truly loves. Naging kabit naman din ako... kulasisi nga di ba? Well.. Carms won.. she discovered her weaknesses-- and she was able to snatch the one I love from me. Of course, when everything has gone from bad to worst-- you have that guilt that you cause all misery in this world.

betrayal

True, secrets are bound to come out. One way or another-- one is bound to discover. I did discover something yesterday... i discovered that I was right all along. I was right when I got the "itch" that lies have been said. I discovered that unfaithfulness was exercised. It was both hurtful and relieving. I got hurt cause I was taken for a fool and I was relieved that it was not entirely my fault after all. Yes.. I may have been amissed of my major obligations and duties but it does not give you the right to look for another while your "relationship" is still on going or on the rocks.

So many lies have been said to fit your side of story-- I never did lie.. I never thought it would be done against me. Suddenly-- everything that happened to me.. and to us, was labeled "LIES". Know what I mean? Well.. I guess, the only truth for me now is the period between September 2003-May 2004. In the real sense, that's the time faithfulness was observed..so I guess, yun lang ang totoo.

Was it worth it?

At first I thought it was -- I really am in love and as I have mentioned in my entry-- I have chosen the one I love irregardless of the pain. But when I get to hear the story of the other party. I feel blessed-- Blessed cause I didn't lose myself in the way that she did. She would be broken-- literally, if they broke up. She would be left with nothing. She did gave her all. It's just so unfair that we both have been lied to-- it's just so unfair that we were betrayed. Nevertheless, I forgive Angel for betraying me and for lying to me... And I would like to ask her forgiveness for all omissions I have done against her. And I do wish her and Carms a peaceful life. I would like the three of us to become friends. And i'm saying that from the bottom of my heart--

Hmmm.. what else.. I'm glad Angel is in good hands. She's well taken care of. As to Carms, she thinks I'm cool. Ain't that sweet?!

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be blessed to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever..." -quoted

ailes and fortune's day

It was Ailes and Fortune's Nuptial yesterday, and I was one of the bridesmaids. Congratulations SPP Lavander for finally being Ms. Right to Fortume. May you grow old together and forever stay in love with each other.

I told Judy and Di about her. They were shocked. They protested. Telling me that nothing will come out of it, I'd never be happy and other homophobic stuff. The only person who understood me is Rox. Maybe because she was once (or twice) in a situation like mine.

Di told me that Ailes is setting me up with her friend, Roy. I met him during the PreNup Party. Well, physically he's ok. Madaldal.. Mataas.. Maputi.. Kahawig ni Lito Pimentel. However, as of this moment, my heart is not accepting applicants for the top level position. All I could offer him is friendship and as a karaoke buddy. But then, who knows? He might be the balm that I need.. Ewan, bahala na si Batman.

I wrote her another letter asking for reconsideration. I hope she would write back or just tell me to take a hike and forget her.

I'm planning renting our old place. Why? Because it is a cool place to study in. The area is peaceful, near the mall, with talipapa and lots of sari sari store. It would have been nice if she could stay there with me..then i would not have to be alone. Hay... asa pa. sinasaktan ko na naman sarili ko.

ay, ay, ay pag-ibig

Tragedy is around the corner. People dying.. rain pouring. Frankly, the weather isn't helping me at all. I always find myself staring at blank walls. People here in the house is starting to take notice of my lack of social interaction and lesser visits to the kitchen. At night, when the whole nation is sound asleep-- I would be staring at the ceiling, contemplating, thinkering my phone, writing, crying, hoping, and praying. This stage of depression is manifesting itself physically. I feel tired yet I could not sleep. And this afternoon, there's this numbness in my arms. I know this is brought about by lack of sleep. But I could not do anything about it-- as much as i want to rest-- my mind would be wandering, leaving me wide awake.

I have two support groups. One group is saying that I should move on and if I really love her-- I should let her go. They keep on telling me that I'm just bound to get hurt over and over again. But the thing is, sometimes-- letting go is not an option. Sometimes, you just have to fight for that thing/person that you wanted the most. They keep on telling me things that I don't have any intentions of doing. (Sorry guys.. ) The second one, they inspire me to keep on going and do everything to get her back. My heart gladly heard their suggestions. They inspire me to be brave, to swallow the pride in order to get back the person that matters to me.

I tried tiring myself up-- went to places I should not have gone to.... waited for something surreal. So this is how it feels to be stood up. Yes, I've been stood up by the person that could hurt me the most. Indeed, broken promises can break your heart. But, what is left there to be broken? I am broken. My whole being is being blown into pieces.

I went to SM today, to wait for the "text"... wandering around like a lost soul. Looking for something isn't there. Reliving memories and scenes. Remembering my first Last Full Show, our karaoke, our "california makki". I remembered them all. and even up to the time they're already closing the stores, I can't bear to leave and head for home-- cause she might text me. When it started to get late and it became evident that there would be no text, I find myself heading home for the _nth time feeling like a loser.

J and M were very helpful. They did not force me to tell them my story... they just sat there with me, waiting for me to open my heart. I hardly know them, yet, I found myself sharing with them my problems. I keep on talking about her. Her sentiments... the way our relationship flowed. I could have talked about her for hours... or for days... I could have talked about her endlessly.

L said that I'm strong and I could get through this. She said that I have to take care of myself... but I'm not strong. I am a weakling. That is the true me. I cover my weaknesses with pretensions. I pretend to be cool... I pretend everything is ok even when its not. But I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting to be strong. I don't see anything wrong with being weak.

Healthwise, I'm going to the dogs. This numbness in my arms-- I have never felt them before and its scaring me. My palate is malfunctioning as the food tastes like blah. I feel dizzy and exhausted.. ah bed... carry and cradle me into a sweet slumber, forgetting all my woes.. give me the peace that i need.

Life is about compromises. Accepting your fault. Asking for forgiveness. Persevering to right the wrong.