rants and ramblings

what's up?

After all the brouhaha over Angelo dela Cruz's capture and release -- i am still is very much jobless.. a fews days back i was quite hopeful that i would be able to find a new "permanent" job.

Then the SONA came. So much promises were made but i was skeptical while listening.. committing myself not to believe until i see a single change in our life. Simultaneously, the 13th Congress has its very first session. I felt sad-- cause I still have not gotten my terminal leave pay, i'm still jobless, i'm not taking the 2004 bar cause I chickened out (Arghh!)and lastly, we're having our house fixed.

To mention that I am disappointed with my old co-workers would be an understatement. I was so hopeful that they would help me find a job. But finding their own work-- they've just vanished and simply forgot all about me and our happy times. I know I should have not been too hopeful that they would be nice enough to help me. I guess I'm not used at people not fulfilling their promises... Hmm.. I think I need to grow up professionally, so that I would not be taken by sweet talks. But despite my frustration, I am still hoping (i'm just so nice and trusting) that they would not betray the trust that I have given them.

With the abolition of 50 offices under the Office of the President, More people will be out of work... so all in all, I need to find work A.S.A.P.

So tommorow, I need to do good at my interview so that this jobless days would finally come to an end.

they are the greatest

Family support is something that is immeasurable. Especially if given during a challenging phase of your life. After feeling regretful for passing off this year’s bar exams— It was a relieved that Tatay is supporting me in that decision.

We talked about it in passing and it was a short talk. But despite its briefness, it made all the difference in the way I think of my life and the way I feel about that particular topic. It is really a blessing to have such a supportive family.

I do love them so.

bad dreams

For a couple of nights now.. i've been seeing my ex co-workers in my dreams.. or was it a nightmare? I really can't remember.. i've seen my ex boss... his wife, my used to be supervisor and it is starting to bother me.

I'm having bad dreams -- from cannibals to i can't remember what... but the thing is, these dreams left something I really can't figure out.

Oh anyway, i am not taking the board exams this year. I know I will regret it but in the mean time, it is my best choice.

reasoning

Having been so confused on what step to take. I have asked the people close to me on what to do. Basically, they said that the answer is in my hands. I determine what I am capable of. Now the big question is whether I am ready or not…

Being truthful to myself, I know that I have learned a lot during the past 3 months of reading. I have understood things I didn’t understand before. How come I am feeling this way? Am I in a dilemma? hmmm.. Yes, I am in a personal dilemma.

As I have said before, my mind is saying something my heart does not agree of. Usually, I would start to think that I could do it only to get scared at the end. I don’t know what’s ahead of me. I am feeling terrified.

Judy said that I ask God to direct me. It was the answer that I was waiting for. Well, it may not have solved my confusion but it made me calm. I know now that when I ask for a sign or when I bargain with God— my faith is losing its grip. I am losing my faith in God.

I have asked God to direct me and in time, I know all my actions will be directed by Him for he knows my weaknesses and strengths. He knows what to do with me.

Thoughts were whispered in the winds… blowing slowly in my mind, feeding my soul. Reassuring me that I should not fear—for everybody will leave but he will not forsake me. Everything will come at the right time.

despair

The last day for the filing of the petition will be on the 15th. And up to this moment, I haven't filed mine. Asking myself whether I am prepared or not.. I found my heart and my mind in disagreement. My mind says that I am "quite" ready while my heart says I ought to wait for another year. But waiting for another year without a job or simply doing nothing-- would only lead my brain into detoriation. It would have been ok if only my plans worked the way they should. Then I would not be having this problem. tsk. Alas.... I have to stay faithful to the boss... Oopps... the ex-boss I mean, up to the last working hours. I just find it hard to accept that despite my qualifications, nobody would take me in.

Hayyyy lord.. help me to be strong.. help me to keep faith....

Help me... please......

With only few days left -- i have to force myself into this if only to keep myself busy while waiting for the mercy of God.

patience and panic

Been to the (former) office for 3 consecutive days now. I'm processing my clearance for me to be able to get my terminal pay. Up to this moment-- I have received 0 calls. Imagine that... I know that God is testing my patience.. I got my answer when I was on my way home. I cannot question God for testing my patience, nope-- you just can't.

I am in the panic stage now-- i have given myself a deadline, that is the 15th of July to be able to get a job. If by that time--nobody has called me up, I am to take the bar. If I get called and accepted-- the bar has to wait another year. Yep.. I did bargain... and now I realized that I should have not done that. I should have not strike a bargain with God. Now he is not just testing my patience.. but also my faith. I am feeling all kinds of feeling whenever I think of work. I feel envy, I feel despair... I feel hopeless.

I was cool way back then--accepting the lost of job as if it's the best thing for me. But as it turned out-- I still can't study cause I am thinking of finding work. Then I was hopeful.. believing that somehow I would be able to get a new job. Have I become too confident? I don't know what went wrong-- and now, I am in the panic and despair stage.

I think this the De javu of a dream that I had-- the dream that I need to make a choice whether to take the bar or not. To take, because in my dream there's going to be a high passing rate. Not to take, because I was not prepared. I have felt the panic and confusion. That is what I am feeling now.

Chai said that we should look at the bright side and be optimistic. I can be optimistic when it comes to their cases but applying that in my case is highly impossible. I think the worst of me. At one point, I even wondered if I am worst than the rest of my (former) co-workers. I wondered how come they were able to get jobs and I am stucked here, feeling casted out.

It is so hard to deal with this emotion-- it is starting to ruin my self-confidence. Thinking I am no good.. thinking that they have something that I can not deliver. But I can! I can deliver-- there's nothing I could not learn if I set my mind on it.. I know I can do anything. All I need is someone who would give me that break. That is what I am praying for. Someone who would take pity on me and my resume -- someone who would give me that one chance to prove that I can do it.

I would never bargain with God again cause I know that God is good and he knows what is the best for me.

stooping down

had an arguement with a security guard late this afternoon when a friend of mine unintentionally slammed the gate. i know that my friend has been slamming the gate everytime she went out but the approach that this stupid guard was wrong. you don't "psst psst" a person you wanted to speak with.. and you don't yell as if you own the whole damn fucking place.

i'm again disappointed with myself and feeling quite remorseful for stooping down to his level. ah yes.. forgot to tell you that i also yelled. but of course! im not going to stand there and let you shout at the person i am with.. darn you.

also had a breakthrough -- i discovered that I am defensive and lack patience in a stupid conversation.

as what a justice has once said -- there's a right time for the right thing at the right forum ... ahh.. ehh.. a right...ehh.. demmit!!