rants and ramblings

ouch!

G: let me just remind you that you are not in the position to be demanding?

Labels: ikaw kasi, just venting out

la loca

saw it in yahoo.. ricky martin admits he's gay...well to put it differently, that is fortunate homosexual. made me feel crazy.

Labels: just venting out

bestfriend

throughout my lifetime, that is 33 years now...i've only had 3 bestfriends, aside from my Nanay.

my first bestfriend was CayCay.. she was our neighbor in Sta. Mesa. we play together, dream together and share common enemies. Sadly, we have to move out of Road 5 so we just have write each other. Then the coming of the mail just stopped. Our paths never crossed and the last news that I heard was she got impregnated.

I met my 2nd bestfriend when I was already in College. She was a classmate and a mentor. We learned through life together.. we faced problems in school, projects, pervert professors, relationships, and love. This is the phase of my life that I felt accepted by my peers. Years went on, our bond got stronger--we gained and lose friends together. She looked after me when I am outside our home. We were each other's confidant as we would grab some beer and talk about everything under the sun.. we cry when we feel like crying and laugh like children. Sadly, she had to live in another country. We continuously communicate with each other-- with her calling me every now and then. I know I hurt her when I stopped sharing my life with her.. when she comes to know about stuff when it all has passed. I know she doesn't approve of my choices but she stood by me. Well, she would still try to change my mind with such exasperation but at this point in time-- i don't think anybody could change it.

I consider G as my 3rd bestfriend. I don't think anybody knows me the way she does. She even knows the real meaning behind my words. We were in a relationship.. but more than that, we are friends. I know there were a lot of times that I was not there for her.. but she overlooked it.. She would always find a way to save my ass.. she would always find a way to be there for me. She was my mentor when I decided to take the exam. She's not afraid to correct my grammar or my pronunciation. Somehow, we would always know whats goin inside each other's head. When we broke up, I have not only lost her-- i also lost my bestfriend.

It is hard to lose significant people in your life. Either you leave or they leave you. That is precisely the reason why I wished that I would not lose people dear to me.

Somehow, my wish has been granted.

I did not have a grand celebration. In fact, it was just a quiet day. But just before my birthday ends.. I opened my mail and read Jane and G's greetings.. it warmed my heart.. and I thank God they remembered.

Labels: just venting out, love

33

today is the big day. it's still too early to say on how this day would go.. but so far, everything is quiet and a lot of people have greeted me already. someday i would have my birthday at McDo.. hehehe.. I'm planning on going to church and thank God for another year.

Thank you to those who remembered and to those who doesn't-- sana makalimutan ko rin birthdays nyo. =p

I wish for health, wealth, fulfilling career and content life.

Labels: just venting out, moments

nanay

today is nanay's 3rd death anniversary. i just had a mass said for her today at Quiapo church around 8am. i was not able to visit her since i had to spend most of my life in that cubicle today. i was not crying or anything but i am sure not happy. there were a lot of birthdays today, (i discovered at least 2 celebrations)..but unlike them who are celebrating their life, i am commemorating the loss of my mother.

sabi ng iba masasanay daw ako.. i've been trying for 3 years now.. i miss you nay, sometimes when i am being selfish, i wish you didn't have to go. i play everything in my head and analyze where we had gone wrong. i could have done something to prevent losing you.. i miss you when i am downthrodden..but i miss you the most when i am happy. it is an incomplete existence without you nay. i'll be turning 33 this friday-- the same age that you gave birth to me. la lang..nasabi ko lang. guide us everytime, don't make me fall.. sorry for the troubles that i caused.

i am afraid that one day i'd wake up and i would not remember how you smell or how you talk.. in fact, i can't remember now how you sound.. and that makes me sad.i look at your pictures all the time-- there i see a wonderful woman who had been my wall.. who always had my back.. someone who had loved me unconditionally.. and it breaks my heart to know she is gone. i don't know for how long i will feel this way..i do want to feel good but i do not want to forget.

Labels: family, just venting out

2 days before my BEERday

i hate math.

as far as i could remember i always hated it. i find it complicated and such a waste of time. the titles of my entries re: birthday countdown is a product of my hate for math.

i think of math and i feel pain.. why would i even bother adding or subtracting numbers when some bright scientist invented a calculator.

i miscalculate the countdown! could you believe that? my birthday is on the 26th.. so tell me, should my title be the one above? or 3 days before my birthday? I am really confused.

the other side of my brain is currently enumerating the advantages of math.. it trains you to follow procedures and processes, math teaches you system and order. it trains you to analyze the problem and find multiple solutions...

i wish i fell in love with math when i was still young.

On another note, tomorrow is Nanay's 3rd Death Anniversary. It feels like a long time. It feels like I can't remember how her laughter sounds or how she smells. Everytime I am out, I am always on the lookout for Nanay's look alike.. doesn't really matter if their personality is not a match.. I just want to see someone who dress, stands, walk, talk or laugh like her. Not even my sister sounded like her... I miss her so.

For today, I wish I'd appreciate math more and its uses in my everyday life. Also, I wish that I'd stop losing people dear to me. There's so much of it going on at the moment.. I just wish they would stay.. or those who ran away would return, something like that.

Labels: family, just venting out

3 days left before my bday

i was busy on saturday and too lazy to tinker on the laptop come sunday. i was thinking about my ex when a thought hit me.. the ex had totally moved on. in fact, i pictured myself clawing into their lives while the ex bravely fights my wicked moves. I always have the knack of reliving fairy tales in my head only to end up in tragedies. I wish all my bitterness would go away. I wish I'd think of something or someone and feel normal. I have so much resentment in me lately.. I have so much anger that I want release (but don't know how).. There is that innate desire to restructure or reconstruct my life in order for these negativities to go away. I don't want to be angry towards my work.. some of my family members, i don't want to be angry with myself anymore. But as you may already know-- I do not know how to address these issues.

I live for some moment and think a lot. That's what I do. I plan a lot but sometimes, hell.. most of the times-- I don't act on them. And I also resent that.

For today, I wish that all my resentments towards life, work and myself (meaning failed relationships, losses and job not well done--a lot!)would go away. I wish I'd learn how to handle defeat graciously and express my anger and frustrations more productively.

Labels: just venting out

6 days left

i have to write early since i'll be accompanying my sister to the doctor today. the year 2009 was not really a great year for us healthwise, well except for me since what i have can be cured according to the doctor. But my head is filled with anxiety on how to solve my problems..

for today, i wish this year we would not be visiting the doctor a lot. rather, i wish we'd just go travel and relax.

Labels: just venting out

7 days to go

i almost forgot to log in here. something bad happened today. my father and i had an argument.. it's about the jewelries that got lost. when he didn't like my answer-- he yelled at me and told me i could pack my bags and move out. it broke my heart seeing my father so hurt. you see, those jewelries were given to him by Nanay. My Nanay saved for them and someone took it. It broke my heart because I know he is hurting..

he texted me when i get here to the office, he said sorry for cursing at me. I cried and said sorry too. I can never replace those stuff that he lost.. nothing ever could, not even the most expensive jewelries in the world.

for this day, my wish is for Tatay to find those rings.. or for that crook to return them... i wish i'd never cause him pain again..

Labels: family, just venting out, love

8 days to go

I had sundaes last night with my good friend E. and I mean it in the plural form. I just had to let all my angst out so I could feel better. I went home quite late, around 10pm.. had my shower, watched some tv before heading off to dreamland. It was not quite as restful as I expected it to be but then it's better than nothing. I made on time in the office and felt great.

for today, I wish for peace of mind. Nothing beats a goodnight's sleep. I love sleeping.

Labels: just venting out, winner

9 days to go

exactly 9 days from now, i'll be celebrating my 33rd birthday. so far, i just want this month to end-- for it has brought me nothing but pain, heartaches and misery. the good thing about it though is that i have found the courage to re-plan my life. i lost the drive to reach new goals... i forgot about my dreams. and it was just this morning that i remembered that i wanted to go back to school. i got so engrossed with someone else's life that i have forgotten how to maneuver mine.

maybe if i sharpen my brain more, i'd be able to decide perfectly. i hate this stupid feeling thats been eatin' me up for months/years.

for today, i wish i could go back to school.

Labels: desires, just venting out, winner

sana nga

sabi ng friend kong si shey, "isara mo na ang pinto mo kay haps! pinakawalan ka niya.. it's her loss!", "sana maging masaya ka ne, mabait ka kasi.."

- natuwa ako dahil kahit pa di ako perpekto, alam ng mga kaibigan ko na mabait ako at karapat-dapat akong mahalin.

Labels: just venting out, love

roadtrip to Quezon

we celebrated ate's big day yesterday, she wanted to visit Kamay ni Hesus and attend a healing mass by Father Joey Faller. It was a long road trip but not as long as our trip to North. However, i found it hard to drive because I did not get enough sleep the night before. It was my first time in Quezon. It was an old town with small roads and hellish drivers. I almost smashed into a Eaglestar bus.. well that almost collision really woke me up.

anyway, i felt sad that we cannot pass by SM Lucena or other SMs.. hehe much to my dismay.. will be posting pictures soon. until then...

Labels: family, just venting out, travel

family feud

i am once again in between raging mountains. haay.. when will this end? i just want everything to stop and be calm again. since my last entry, everything wrecked havoc.. it's so chaotic and i do not know if its me or this darn hot weather.. i'd be turning a year older soon-- and i don't feel like celebrating.

Labels: family, ikaw kasi