rants and ramblings

the day that it was

it's 12.12 am now in my clock. my birthday had come and gone.. i had a nice time being entertained by my friends.. and it felt nice how they badly wanted to celebrate this day with me. but i had to leave one so i could cater another... that had always been my life.

i'm lucky to have my friends.. they don't get tired whenever i talk about my life.. my relationship.. endless stories about G and P and the events that transpired between then and now.

all day i had been checking my mails.. maybe i was hopeful that G would send a short note greeting me.. but there was nothing. it made me feel sad not because she had intentionally forgotten my birthday..but it was more because she had decided to forget about nanay.

from time to time i browse through her journal reading entries about me.. how i have hurt her.. how she hates me.. and how futile it is to fight the world for a love that seemed to be doomed from the very beginning. her last entry was about comfort.. how hard it is for me to leave my comfort zone. but that is not the issue you see.. it is my obligation that make me stay here. it's the fact that i'd be alone somewhere and the reality that they need my help here. i want a home, not some empty apartment in the city. she's way too high that no matter how hard i try to reach for her.. my hands would just be grasping air.

she prayed for strength.. and i promised myself never to go back to her journal. i guess her prayer has been answered.

she moved on.

it's 12.20 now.. 20 minutes past my birthday. it would have been wonderful... you know?

Labels: love, moments

birthday to me

12 midnight today i turned 32. yeah i know, i have to repeat it often so that eventually i'd come to accept the fact that i'm a step nearer to my grave. I don't have a party and I don't have any plans of celebrating my natal day.. in fact, i am here in the office right now, working my ass off and thinking whether I should go to that schedule interview or not.

They said that a person is considered lucky if at least ten people remembered their birthday. know what world? it's not even lunchtime yet and I got that ten people already. I know that some people would actually forget my birthday-- either intentionally or unintentionally.. but i guess what's important is the fact that there are ten people in this world who remembered. To you guys, thank you...

My wishes include successful operation for Tatay, Happy Life for me and my love ones, Happy-peacefule-lasting lovelife to me, Moolah so I could buy the things that I need, Health for my love ones, more travels, great friends. Also I would like to take this opportunity to thank my family, my Nanay for bringing me into this world, my Tatay for taking care of me everyday, cooking my baon and driving me to the bus stop, my ate for accepting the responsibilities that Nanay left behind, my sister-in-law, kuya, luis and lyka, for accepting me for who i am. Also thank you to my good friends who never gets tired listening to my blabbering.. for giving me great great time.. to my co-workers, for making my career life great and fun! to those who helped me along the way(tenkyu), those who hurt me (leche kayo), those who loves me (^^,)- thank you,i know how hard it is to love someone like me. Of course, thank you to God for letting me live this long.

Labels: family, funny, just venting out, relationships

something about nanay, tatay and me

today is nanay's 2nd death anniversary. she was in my ate's dreams last night. with all the things that's going on with my life i often wish that she's still here. life was really better when she was still alive.

we got her some flowers and visited her today. nay, i will forever be grateful to you for taking care of us.. for giving us education.. and for loving us unconditionally. i miss you so much. please help tatay with his operation.

ah yeah.. my tatay has retinal detachment and he is going to be operated on. the doctor said that the operation will cost us 120k. ok, i'm willing to sell my body if only it would be bought. please do pray for my tatay.

and me... i'll be turning 32. i am officially out of the calendar. i don't feel old.. but i don't feel young either. My nephew and I did the Decorate Your Cake (by Goldilocks) and got this cake. lookie, lookie.. ain't it pretty? it's yummy too. luis immediately devoured the poor cake and showed no mercy. takaw!

Labels: family

morning world

good morning world. just got in from a drinking spree. i'm all well now so i think i should give myself a reward..hehe.. i met with my good friend E earlier for dinner. The last time that we saw each other was a month ago (according to her). i told her that i've been missing G lately...she said that i should not bother her anymore and should stop whatever it is that i am doing.

world, i'm not doing anything. is it a crime to miss someone nowadays? is it a crime to remember?

i assured her that i will not act on this emotion. i might miss G and wish that we're back together but her ego is bigger than her. i cannot experience everything that i've been through with her. not again... i do know that i cannot do everything that i did out of love for G. everything's just changed. i might miss G.. i might even want us to get back together... i just don't want to give her the opportunity to reject me and hurt me. not again.

you might ask what am i doing blabbering at this unholy hour... FYI, i just came home from drinking. and yes! i am fucking drunk.

to E, thank you for always listening to me whine about my relationships.
to C, for being a great co-worker and friend. Ef you, i'm not immoral.
to R, for giving me ride home.
to myself, thank you for enjoying your life, for loving the way you did, for being who you are.
to San Mig Light, for this alcohol in my veins.
to Red Horse, for cleansing the San Mig Light off.

Kampai people, kampai!

Labels: just venting out

oh pack

i'll be having my 32nd birthday soon. big numbers.. with nothing much to show for it. i hate the fact that i'll be officially out of the calendar this year... i hate the fact that i'm a year older... and i hate the fact that i am not having my grand wedding this year.

sometime in the past, i did plan to be married by the age 32.. and i sealed that plan with a "by hook or by crook" seal. but fate played me. that sucker. just another realization that there are things that are just beyond your control... and having your own family is one of them. you just can't tell.

I still have to think what's great about my birthday... so far.. thinking about it makes me swear. hehe.

Labels: just venting out

retinal detachment

tatay and i went to see an eye doctor yesterday. he was diagnosed with retinal detachment. it's an eye disorder that leads to blindness. the retina is that thin layer at the back of our eye that sends images (through impulse) to the brain.. if the retina totally detaches, the eye goes totally blind. the doctor told us that the procedure is considered as a major operation and we need 160K.

so here i am thinking how to raise that amount.. i don't want my tatay to go blind.

Labels: family

chat session

[11:12] mama G: kon guz2 q ng umuwi
[11:12] mama G: pero prang ayaw p ni papa kc syang daw pamsahe
[11:12] me: hi ma
[11:12] mama G: hi con
[11:12] me: bakit gusto mo na uwi? homesick ka na?
[11:13] mama G: uu
[11:13] me: sabi johan uwi ka daw april 4..
[11:13] mama G: ska nakakulong din naman ako d2
[11:13] me: bakit sa bahay ka lang?
[11:13] me: ano ba gawa mo jan?
[11:15] mama G: hnd ako makalabas kc wla ako car hnd naman nila ako pahiramin ng car kung meron man its just a town county isang grocery 1 gasoline station 1 restaurant isa isa lang ang mga different offices etc etc
[11:15] mama G: house maid
[11:15] mama G: lol
[11:15] me: housemaid ka jan
[11:15] me: nakila nico ka ba?
[11:15] me: ano ba sabi ni papa?
[11:16] mama G: hnd naman
[11:16] mama G: joke lang kita
[11:16] me: hehe ano nga gawa mo jan?
[11:17] mama G: open heart surgery sis ko nanay ni nico kya sinasamahan ko nagcacare giver
[11:17] me: ahh.. si tita judith?
[11:17] mama G: uu
[11:17] me: e gang kelan ka jan tita? nahihirapan ka ba?
[11:17] mama G: nsa opis k?
[11:17] me: yep..
[11:18] mama G: uu
[11:18] me: may sakit nga ako pero pumasok ako kasi boring sa bahay
[11:18] mama G: kc malamig sobra ska nculture shock ako
[11:18] mama G: wla kapitbahay
[11:18] me: sino ba nagbayad ng airfare mo?
[11:18] me: talaga? miss mo yung nagvi-videoke no?! hehe
[11:18] mama G: tatay ni nico
[11:19] mama G: uu nga din
[11:19] me: ahh si general...
[11:19] mama G: hehehehe ska mga fans ko
[11:19] me: hahaha
[11:19] me: si ate jade ba nasa marikina ma?
[11:19] mama G: nasa onyx
[11:19] me: may bahay na siya sa onyx?
[11:20] me: sino aalaga kay aries?
[11:20] mama G: lumpat n dun ksama cla johan at aries franz
[11:20] me: ahh..sino na lang naiwan sa marikina?
[11:20] mama G: uwiiiiiiiiiiiiiii n q\
[11:20] me: akala ko si johan may bahay sa boni
[11:20] me: lika na! uwi ka na!
[11:21] me: sino sundo sayo sa airport?
[11:21] mama G: nung feb 20 ako dumting d2 ticket back ko april 4
[11:21] me: ahh
[11:21] mama G: d2 o paguwi ko
[11:21] me: may bayad ata yan ma pag pa-resched
[11:22] me: pag uwi mo dito
[11:22] me: si G ba dun pa rin sa mandaluyong nakatira?
[11:22] mama G: bkit hnd mu alam may car n ako>> kia kyahiyahiya
[11:22] me: heheh
[11:22] mama G: c bj nagdadala
[11:23] me: e ayun pala eh.. may susundo pala sayo
[11:23] mama G: ayaw niya ipadrive skin mahihirapan daw ako
[11:24] me: pag di power streering baka sumakit dibdib mo

[11:24] me: e si G, nakakausap mo ba?
[11:26] mama G: hnd nga sla nagttxt man lang
[11:27] me: e baka di mo naman iniwan roaming number mo
[11:29] mama G: alam nila ung smart ko nakaroaming kya
[11:29] mama G: ni email kya minsan icip ko wag nga talgang umuwi
[11:29] me: nye
[11:29] me: baka busy sila
[11:30] me: ako na lang magtext sayo.. hehe
[11:30] me: saka mag email sayo
[11:30] mama G: con alam mu umtend ako kingdom hall nila d2 grabeeeeeeeee mga tao d2 para akong dewende
[11:30] me: hahahaha
[11:30] me: malamig ba?
[11:30] mama G: wlang cnbe yang katawan mo slim pa yan d2
[11:30] me: dapat pala jan ako pumunta eh
[11:31] mama G: uu misanminsan snow
[11:31] mama G: dapattttttttttttttttt
[11:31] me: hahaha
[11:31] me: e ano naman gagawin ko jan, may recession
[11:31] mama G: maiingit cla d2 syo maski mga kaptid kay tatabaaaaaaaaaaaa
[11:32] me: bakit sila maiingit sa akin? kasi mataba ako?!
[11:32] mama G: hnd rin basta may 22long syo
[11:32] me: hehe
[11:32] mama G: d2 1 lang ang lawyer magiimport kapa s reno
[11:33] mama G: kasi payat kp nyan
[11:33] me: e kailangan ko pa mag aral jan and mag take ng bar exams ulet
[11:33] me: wow payat pa ako.. hehe..
[11:34] mama G: naku makikita mu mga tao d2 magiging very proud k sa sarili mo
[11:35] mama G: ako rin maging proud syo
[11:35] me: hehehe
[11:35] me: magiging proud ka sa akin kasi sexy ako sa kanila?!
[11:35] mama G: con kAin muna kami ha
[11:35] mama G: lawyer pa
[11:36] me: sige ma..
[11:36] me: hehehehe
[11:36] mama G: kain k nrin

Labels: chat logs

i..

i wanna come home...

Labels: love

of being sick and melancholic

i hate being sick. eversince my nanay died, i hated hospitals and doctors... most importantly i hate the fact that nobody actually takes care of me when i am sick. yeah yeah... i'm such a baby when i am sick. the moments that i remember being "babied" when i was sick was when i was a kid and those times that i was with G. I remembered her giving me bed bath, actually giving me soup so i would sweat, waking up in the middle of the night to give me my medicines..it's just so nice to have someone to take care of you...someone to hold you when you are cold or afraid. hayy leche...

elineth said it's because i am sick that's why i am feeling this way. honestly, i'm so emotional lately... i always find myself crying.

i hate being sick because i feel so alone.

resting i saw this bakunado ad on TV. be protected, be bakunado. too late for me.

Labels: just venting out

random acts of kindness

for the past few weeks i've been contemplating about doing a random act of kindness everyday. i'm not sure how i'm going to pull this one but i do want to change the world in my own little way. (hehe) yeah.. my birthday is fast approaching and i'm not feeling good about it. it feels like my life is heading nowhere.. it's like im stuck here where my Nanay left me.

ah yeah.. something happened on my way to work. you see the LTO guys are out for an operation (re: colorums) and they hailed the Isuzu SUV that i am in. the driver claimed that its a carpool.. but then the LTO guys would not stop there. they asked the passengers... i told them i did not pay.. they took it as lack of cooperation. they said that they would have to ask us to get off the vehicle if that is the case. SO BE IT. there's plenty of jeepneys anyway. so in order to save the driver's ass.. we get off the vehicle. Hehe.. darn.. the people i am with probably hate me. oh well.. i hope the mama would do something nice today as well.

Labels: just venting out

francis m.

i just had my lunch when i heard of kiko's death yesterday. i was shocked. i immediately browsed the net to confirm the sad news. in search for articles i chanced upon his website(s). i read about his battle.. saw some pictures of him and his family and i am engulfed by grief.

he was a man full of life... who loves his wife and his children so much.

i remembered watching him do bulagaan during my student days... he was funny,talented and a real artist. adieu kiko.
1964-2009

Labels: just venting out, moments