rants and ramblings

etceteras

It’s been a week since the last Sunday, and yet here I am still feeling the aftershocks… and everytime I think of it, I end up with a prayer. Hoping that I would be one of the lucky ones. As of now, all I have is a prayer that I would be able to find a job that would help me to be financially stabled and would help me grow professionally.

It's been a hectic week for me since I spend it with Jane and with the rest of my friends. Last weekend we spent it in Manila Midtown Hotel. I went home last Monday, We were together for a girl's night out last Wednesday, I came home Thursday afternoon. And again, this Saturday I was in Las Piñas. It was really tiring but I know that every moment counts since Jane would be leaving on the 4th of October. Hmmm.. Jane changed a li'l maybe because her stay is only for a short time. That's why she's always in a rush. Doing things not one by one but simultaneously if we can. And that is really stressful, maybe that's why she is suffering from a viral infection.. She's having fever, cough and colds. I'll be back in Las Piñas come Wednesday…

What will you do to land a man? I mean what will it take for you to keep the man that you really, really like? All women have scheme in order to keep what they have. And some would even get themselves pregnant in order to keep their man. But personally speaking, I think that it is deceit. Having a child is not an assurance that in the end the guy would just feel guilty and will realize that " Hey, I love that girl and I'm so stupid if I'll let her get away.." Well.. Real life is never a fairy tale. No matter how hard you tried to fool yourself that one day your prince charming will come along and he'll just sweep you off your feet…reality would just hit you on the head with a pan while yelling that HE IS NOT THE RIGHT ONE! THIS GIRL IS JUST A FUCKING FREE RIDE! Some guys will love the kid, never doubt it-- but they will not learn to love the mother. Some are stupid enough to get marry and lead miserable lives. I know it is hard to let go of something.. But sometimes there are lessons you ought to learn the hard way. If you guys are really meant for each other -- then there's no other way but to be together. Time may pass… you may grow old, you may have lead entirely different lives -- but if you guys are meant to be. YOU ARE MEANT TO BE. It is inevitable. Hmm.. I don't like to sound like a ninny. I like to sound strong, logical and independent. Oh, I do have my weak moments.. But when they come, I just wish and wish and daydream. Thereafter, I'm back to my old bitchy self.. Strong, sarcastic and free..

I do get scared when I hear myself talk. If I'm not careful, I'll end up a lonely old spinster.

surprise

Don't you just hate surprises?

Last Sunday, the 22nd of September was the last day of the 2002 Bar Exams. As usual, it was a grueling experience just like the other 3 Sundays. There were lots of people who came to cheer their own barrister. And guess who came to cheer me up that stressful and tiring day…

Ailes came to pick me up… and with her were Joy and Jane! Waaaaaaaah!!! I thought they were not coming at all since I didn't see even a hint that they would be able to make it. It was totally awesome.. Seeing familiar faces. I can't even remember what happened in details. All I can remember is that awesome feeling that somehow they were there support me… the feeling of finally getting through it without me losing my sanity and grip.. Feeling that I am loved…. Feeling that finally, real life is now starting. A new chapter is being written.. My life as a student is finally over. And I am welcoming the new chapter of my life with a prayer that somehow I would be able to start this part of my life right, full of visions and valuable results. Life wherein I have to fend for myself and be able to financially help my parents and siblings. A chapter that is involved in civic works, service for man and nation. Oops, let's not forget about getting me a colorful lovelife … hopefully someday I would be able to share with people I love that indeed love is the color of ones life.

Welcome me back kulasisi.. I have missed writing so much.

in limbo

Bon Soir, kulasisi!

I'm feeling quite odd lately. Realizing that I have to act like a grown up and attend to my life. I have to see things from a different perspective and I feel so lost. I really haven't been an adult. Yep, I may have seen and experience things in the past. But they were such trifle things that seem ordinary to other people. I know that the time has come to prove myself. To finally, pursue my goals and find for myself the real purpose why God has chosen me to live this long.

I guess this is how it feels to be in a limbo. Knowing things that you want but knowing not where to start. Pieces are scattered everywhere and I know it’s just a matter of putting them together. Finally, years after I've reached majority age -- I finally know what I want to do; what I want to have and what I want to achieve. Life is not about getting everything you want-- cause I know that there are things that I am better without. I am aware of that. It's just that, I feel so incomplete not having things that I want. Though I know that I don’t deserve them- I still yearn for it. I don't stop wondering how it feels to have it within my grasp. To use it or abuse it. There are even things that I yearn for, knowing that they are forbidden to me. Knowing that it would not do me good. And since I'm such an idealist -- I just keep the thought in me. Daydreaming about it once in a while. Pretending that there's something more than what there really is…

How come people like things that they don't have or things that they can never have? I've wanted things that I can never have -- and wanting just brought me pain, scarred emotions and tears. And here I thought I'm living a colorful life. Only to realize that these pains, scars and tears were just repetitious situations that keeps on conquering me over and over again. No added color, only more pain. I'm in limbo. I'm in the middle of knowing myself. Evaluating my self-worth… Looking at my past … and determining my future. I have grown up, intellectually and age wise. But emotionally, I still lack the conviction to offer myself to pain, rejection and all those shitty emotional torture.

I can't wait to grow up-- emotionally

e.x.a.m.i.n.a.t.i.o.n

Breathing deeply and fast, I stepped out my room and face the morning sun. Nice, the sun finally decided to shine this Sunday, the first of September. As I walked, my hands were sweating but still I try my best to be cool and calm. Getting my first chewing gum of the day, I walked together with my brods and sisses toward La Salle. Even from afar I can hear the drums and the cheers of the supporters. Since the pressure is too much to handle we decided to enter as soon as they allowed the barristers to go inside. As I entered the gates, I felt so scared, I remembered wanting to run away. I felt like I'm in the death row and I'm going to be executed. But then, one more deep breath and three awfully painful bites to the chewing gum and I was ok. I have remembered what judy texted me -- Go and conquer yourself. Oh yeah.. it was a war against myself. And I got no one to depend on except GOD.

Our reviewer in Labor Law said that it is composed of 80% labor relations and I believed him, DARN! The exam was almost Labor Standards! Haaaaaay… nothing beats the ready and the wise! The day went on and every after exam I would shake like I was chilling. Diane and Rox were there. They joined me in eat my lunch. As if I can eat lunch. I try to exude coolness because I don’t want them to see me all panicky and acting like a loony.

2nd Sunday of the Bar exams… the weather is rainy. It was like a premonition. The day didn't turn out fine. The exam in civil and tax were so hard that I lost all hope. Haaaaaay… I'm so tired today. Mama Ailes and jud were there with me today, we had dinner together. That's the only thing that I like best. Ms. D left for seattle .. DAARNNNNNNN!!