rants and ramblings

yeah...the same old me.

this is me, trying out my wedding gown.... swear.

The one who loves you or the one you love?

When I was younger, I always thought that the best answer to the question was the one who loves you… my reason? Love develops. And I always thought that it’s a blessing to have someone who loves you though you love someone else and I believe that eventually, you’ll get to learn to love that person.

Funny that when I encountered it again. My answer is very different.

I’m going back to the one I love. And no matter how painful the process will be, I am willing undergo them all. My reason? It is only with that person can I be complete. It is only with that person that I would be happy. Considering that both of you love each other – isn’t that the greatest thing ever? There would be bad times.. but both of you will overcome them hand in hand. Conquer problems like a piece of cake.

Likewise, I believe that in our lifetime – you will love a certain person above everybody else. Its what you call, the love of the lifetime. You will meet countless individuals.. love some of them.. Leave some of them.. but there would be this person who will stand out. He/ she would be forever special. Sabi nga nila, angat sa iba.

I know you know my secret.. not yet? Remember my entry about no ordinary love? Yeah.. remember? Long before that, I stopped believing in fairy tales. But for a year, I experienced how to be in a fairy tale.. how to live in the land of once upon a time, in a castle far far away… I remembered being afraid.. being happy, I remembered living a life of adventure. Unfortunately, no happy endings for me. =( My fairy tale ended in a disaster.. she (yes you read that right) decided to end it all.

Today, I met her. I was so nervous; it was like our first meeting. Only then, I was not in love as I am now. My face was so hot—and I felt like crying.. but I fought my emotions.. I will not cry and shame myself in front of her. I wanted to hug her.. kiss her.. ask her to take me back, but I chose to sit there across her. I could not force myself to speak. I stuttered and ended up saying illogical sentences. I know she’s with someone now. And that stopped me from saying what’s inside my heart. For one last time, I memorized her face…asked myself, and realized that yes, I am deeply in love with her. I looked at her lips and could not bear the thought of it touching another woman’s skin. I looked at her hands, and imagined it touching somebody else’s hands. I looked into her eyes.. trying to see myself. But my brain could only shout that she’s no longer mine.

After much staring and little talking.. It was time for me to go. I walked under the light rain, fighting my tears.. but darn tears wont stop. People were looking at me quizzically. I managed to take a ride.. and ended up crying the whole journey home. I wanted to take her with me. I wanted to take her away from everything. On my way to our meeting place, I envisioned a lot of things like her spending Christmas with us, her meeting my ate, nanay and tatay.. me explaining how beautiful a person she is. In short, I envisioned a better--- self-improved me.

Before I knew of HER, I was willing to compromise.. and that is the reason that for two weeks I am asking her to for a talk. I wanted her to know that I am ready for this and I am more than willing to fight for her. I wanted her to know that I'm serious about her.

But reality hits me in the head. Gf's with her, waiting for her to finish our closure. I will always love her, even 36-100 kilometers away. I will continue to dream of her, of us being together. I will continue to dream our dreams. I will continue to hope for their fulfillment.

After all that has been said .. the one you love or the one you love? sabi ko na nga ba.. the one you love e.

sucky

I hate this feeling. Feeling of desperation... hopelessness...helplessness. I wanted to cry, but what do i tell them? Ate knows I'm having problems. This pain is getting heavier-- more painful... and i remember elai saying that, the pain feels like you're going to die. And it does.

I feel like I'm dying. I feel like my heart will burst. I wanted to take it out badly.. heal it.. see what I can do about it.

Baby talk

I’m planning to have a baby. I think I’m old enough to have one, being 27 years of age. But unlike other women, I would be having mine through legal means. It’s nice to have a baby in the house, someone who would call you mommy.. Someone you can love unconditionally. Someone who would look up to you, respect you and love you in return. Maybe I’m destined to be a mom and not a wife.

We still have to talk to our folks in Mindoro for specifics.. Maybe anytime soon—I would give birth to a baby girl. :) Hmmm wonder what her name is. Personally, I like Beatriz, Denise and Sofia.

I’m still recovering from a failed relationship. My heart is quaking with pain, however, the thought of having a daughter. A child you can shower with love and affection, appeases the pain that I feel. It would be wonderful to be a family… but my daughter and I would be a family in itself.

Do you think I can be a good mom?

Fucking gov’t employees

Earlier today, I went to Manila City Hall to do some official business. Since I’m no longer in government service, I’m once again powerless in the middle of ass sucking, power thirsty people (Well some of them). There’s this particular lady in the Office of the of City Prosecutor—and I believe that her one and only job description is to stamp on paper the words “RECEIVED BY”. So anyway, she asked me to sign something.. being too lazy to get my ROTRING sign pen, I asked her nicely if I can borrow her PANDA ballpen. Behold! She doesn’t want me to use her pen! As in.. Do I look like some Pen sucking maniac? a PEN NAPPER perhaps? Neknek nyang leche sya no! I almost wanted to go to the nearest mall and get her a box of the fucking panda pens. They can really be a pain in the ass—well.. she looked like a pain in the ass..

I came from government service too but I never, as in never refused anybody who borrowed my pen. How much does a pen worth? 4.50? 5.50? I am mad not because I was not able to borrow a pen from her. I am mad at her for her ugly attitude. She does not deserve to be in government service. And that’s what makes me angrier—Government service deserves someone like me. She should be fired!

On a much darker note---

Something is pulling me again… and I am afraid. It’s pulling me toward endless tears and heartaches. The last time we communicated, I felt that security. In span of two months after we broke up, I felt it again. It was right there—it was clear—it was profound. I was right when I said that just one kiss will take all the pain away. It did. Yep… it really did. But the pain came back with a vengeance. I expected its return… but not the same depth.. the same intensity.

We still love each other. But the difference lies in the fact that with me, I easily fall prey to the niceties that has been exchanged. I easily get fooled by the words I read. On the other hand, that person—can control the feelings. It could be the reason why we just keep on hurting each other. Sometimes, not even knowing why.

Yet, I long to see that person. Have a nice long chat and finally settle it all.

Last Sunday, we had ailes' Bridal Shower at Di's place. It was fun and I won the best penis maker award! hehehehe... anyway, first day without Ailes to guide me at work.. it was tiring! shet! I never thought I missed being tired.. today, mama jenjen called me up and checked on me. which is kinda cool though there are still things that she doesn't know about me. like.. my past. i just hope things will work out for me, and the austerity somethin something of the governmentn will be lifted already.

luis showing off his mr. incredibles!

my niece lyka and nephew luis during our chat session with Yaku.

pleadings

uhmm.. the first serious pleading that I ever made is.. tsaraaaaan Memorandum. Memorandum for an ejectment case. It's nice to make a pleading especially so if you are in the mood to write. I am still adjusting with the new work and i can;t catch up with teh filing stuff.

I'll be going to the RTC manila this friday to make a representation. I know, i know.. I'm not a lawyer yet-- but ... this would make feel like one. hehehehe...

i still miss the perks and benefits of the first job, but i like my bosses now. and someday, i hope i'll get both! =D

haberday nanay!

It's nanay's 60th birthday today! I wish my nanay long life, good health, love and tons of money so she could shop until she drop. I also wish that we could have a vacation overseas so she could ride the airplane too. I love my nanay very much.

law firm

it was my first day at work yesterday. and my first assignment? make a memoranda for an ejectment case. I don't know if i am made a "pleader". I left the 15 gran work to get 8k. How stupid a person can get? It's my first time to work in a law firm.. and i'm not sure if i would want to stay. Hmmmmmmm... Hope CHR will call me for an interview na. Can;t wait to get back in Government Service.

shortest job

It was my first day at work yesterday, i spent it talking to the outgoing Secretary. Personally speaking, I'm quite dismayed by the responsibilities that I am to handle. I'll be a secretary for 2 corporation with a measely pay of 15k a month. Plus the fact that I am alone. I am to take care of all paperworks.. phone calls and slavery. I don't think I can handle that.

It would be my shortest job ever.

I texted Ailes regarding their offer. The pay is not high.. only 8k, with lunch and merienda. Only two rides from home.. no work at saturdays. if only they could give me 10 gran.. then we would not have any problem. But considering that i'll be with Ailes.. and I'll be surrounded by people I know... I might take it while waiting for Di ( i just never get tired of waiting...) and CHR.

Kuya emailed me. Wow! he knows how to use the internet!! hehehehe.. Will be chatting with him soon. Wish yaku's here... i know he could give some sense into my problem.

first working day

I received an email from D. Corporation. It's my first day tomorrow! Hayyy.. and I'm quite nervous! shet..

but I am assured.. God is with me. He will never let me down.

Please guide me and protect me Lord..

x-ray

I had my first xray today. It was ackward taking off my blouse and my bra!

Went to D corp. today for the job offer. They deducted 500 from my asking price. Since they have to check out my performance for six months. Then HR said that they'll adjust it accordingly. Work still depends on the outcome of the Xray. Hope goes well...

amp!

Went to Makati again for an interview with S Corporation. I was able to make it on time... whew! But then, I have to wait for an hour for my turn! The HR personnel asked me stuff that seems stupid... Unlike the first one, my interview lasted for more or less, 10-15 minutes. They said something bout character investigation or something before i take the next level. SUS! What a waste of energy.

Im going back to D Corp. tommorow for the "job offer". I really don't know what it is... and it's scarin the hell out of me. Hayy. I can only lean on God to make things better. and He is. he is... =D

POST SCRIPT:

Kuya hasn't called or checked his mail. Darn! DOn't they have pc in the office?!

job offer

D corporation sent me an email.. they are asking for confirmation of my attendance on Thursday for a job offer.

What the hell is a job offer?

Are they thinking of haggling with my asking price? I don't think I could give them lower that what I have asked. I mean, I'm really hard working and I take my profession seriously though I'd love to have fun along the way.

I don't know what's ahead of me but I'm sure God will lead the way. =D