rants and ramblings

hello blogger, I have been out of the loop for a year I think. So much have happened in that year that I barely have the time to write them down. I transferred office and went on my first out of the country workshop.

I spent the first half of 2015 at my old office. Went to Baguio for a seminar. I had my first cultural trip and chocolate drink at Cafe by the Ruins. Then June, I transferred to this new office located in a traffic congested area. I was given a service car and driver. I got exempted from wearing uniforms and filling my DTR. I get to work with new set of people. I was hesitant at first because the transition was not welcomed. So, 7 months after. I am still here. Thank God.

I think the highlight of my year would be my visit to Turin, Italy. It was a long flight, buti nalang maraming movies. I landed in Milan and took a train to Turin. Then I went to see my co-worker and we visited Venice. Lots of walking in Italy, but I loved every minute of it. I love Italy! It's really an awesome place. I would love to come back. Ang mahal lang talaga ng Euro. hehe. I stayed with my college barkada in Milan and visited the Duomo. I got a Swatch as a souvenir. :)

Heartwise, well the relationship with to you is dead. I believe it will never work out for us. But I never get to break up.. I just let it hang and wait until it dies. Anyway, this past week something ugly came to haunt me again. this familiar feeling of impatience and despair. I don't welcome them. I hope this is just a phase and I'll bounce back. Maganda ako. I am complete. I will survive.

Half of 2016 and I have a new boss. I felt sad that my old boss is leaving, but I guess that's just how life goes. Thank you for welcoming me back.

Labels: desires, dreams, friends, God is good, just venting out, relationships, self-love, travel, work related angst

my bestfriend J

My bestfriend J and I came all the way from college.. A long long time ago. We literally grew up together, experiencing stuff and going places. I would always stay at their home in las pinas just so we could go to the mall, get our nails done and window shop. She's a generous and a protective friend. Then she had to migrate. All of a sudden, I am by myself. But I was in law school and she would regularly call me. She came home for my bar exams in 2002 and again a month before my Nanay died.

The period in between, I lived my life according to what made me happy but I never told her anything about what's goin on with me or whom I am goin out with. I told J about G and she told me to stop whatever it is. She knows too well how this kind of relationship goes and she said I will only hurt myself. I took it by the ear and hope she'd change her mind and accept my decision. Of course, everything changed when the G came to las pinas to get me and I had to decide between my bestfriend and G. I went with G anyway and I didn't care if J would feel hurt or betrayed.

Our relationship went blah after that. I actually received a card from J that reads: To my bestfriend, you hurt me the most.

At the time, I didn't know what she's talking about.. Or probably, I just wanted to be with G so much I don't care if I lose her. So after all these years, j and I never really talked and I felt we drifted apart.

G said that I am her bestfriend too. But J said it was so because we were in a relationship. Honestly, I am feeling the way J felt when I suddenly took off. I am hurting cause the G left, just like that.

Anyway, I messaged J two days ago cause I am really feeling the blues, I didn't really expect her to reply but she did. She asked me how am I doing and told her what's goin on with me. Still fighting the odds to be happy. Her reply made me cry. She said, I am still here. I am just waiting for you. We're unconditional towards each other you know that. Lab.

I cried and cried. No matter how stupid you might think it is. I cried because I am grateful that there is still someone out there who loves me unconditionally.

I am going to new york by hook or by crook.

Labels: friends, God is good, ikaw kasi, just venting out, relationships

breather

earlier today, i badly wanted to write about what's going on with my life right now. but now that i have the time-- i can't seem to remember what i want to write about. all i know is that i need a breather from all the things that's going with me.

the thing with P is more of an ego thing. how could i let someone like her treat me the way she did. i am smarter than that and i should have seen it coming. Why did I ever buy her lies? Well, in the absence of any proof saying otherwise-- i'd like to think of them as lies. I need to accept that I have been fooled otherwise, I will never know what to do next.

I even asked my confidant E if all break-ups hurt the same. She said No.. and told me that the break-up with P should not hurt at all because wala siyang kwenta. Hehe. It's funny now but I do wonder how come i was treated that way? As if I am a weakling. shet.

Ate said I am weak. Why? because my dog Shin-shin followed me out of the house today. Ate said I have a weak energy.. and I do wonder if she's right.


I think I should just stop thinking altogether and take things as they come. Lastly, I do believe that parting ways with P was the best thing that ever happened to me. Tanga ko kasi.

Labels: friends, ikaw kasi, relationships

Kasi naman..

I was out of town the whole week. Finally, i am back home in my old reliable bed. A lot of things transpired during this week.. Turned my world upside down and wrecking havoc in my brain. Work was both physically and psychologically draining. I wanted the davao stint to end quickly. I want the Cebu leg to start immediately. Ganun pala ang feeling if you are meeting friends. Masaya. Nakaka excite. Time went by fast.

It was special to me. Talking without fear of ending in a fight. To actually listen without judging or weaving conclusion. It was just us.. ages ago. In the heat of the moment, sparks went flying. Like it was the most natural thing we could do. It was beautiful. Blissful.. And when everything has passed, i found myself in peace. I know it should not happen.. But how can you fight something as warm and beautiful as she? Tao lang ako.

I dont know if that is a trick of fate or what. What i do know is that nothing could be more true. What i felt. Her heartbeat. It was basic. It was real.

Honestly, i've been pushing it off my mind cause that's the mature thing to do. And i am trying very hard. I dont want to get stucked in an emotional pit that is of my own doing. Ay caramba...

Whatever will be. Will be.

I bid you goodnight blogger. Kasi naman....

Labels: desires, friends, love, moments, relationships, sex, work related angst

coffee no good

Since its a payday, my two younger staff asked me if we'd go have some sbux coffee. After a busy day at work-- i decided to go. J got me a venti sized mocha frap. My dinner. Hehe. At first i thought im sleepy -- as you can see, iys passed my bedtime and i am still up and about.

So what's new with me?

I think i am doing good as i started sleeping with the lights off again. I stopped crying and feelng sorry for myself.. I spend the night reviewing my day and thanking God that i get by. I actually wanted to take a vacation but supervening events made that impossible. So i am taking a hike (secret) on my own.. Goodluck to me. Work is still stressful. Emotionally scarred. Physically good.. And mentally stressed out. But i will be good and better in the coming days, you'll see. ^^

So hang in there.. The best is yet to come. (i just knew i shouldve got the tall frap!!)

Labels: friends, God is good, relationships, work related angst

miracles

do you believe in miracles? i do. i believe that little miracles happen everyday. we went to visit my friend who got figured in a car accident today. i am glad he is recuperating very well.. he has this halo brace which is attached to his head. i thought he would looked scary just like the first time i went to see him when he was still in the scu. but today was different, he's back to his old self. well.. except that he's wearing metal gear and he is immobilized at the moment. he said "sana makalakad pa ako ulit.." and deep in my heart i am praying for that too. i do hope that God would give him the gift of walking again. I pray that God would give him the patience and determination to hurdle this trial in his life. I know he will pass it. I know he will walk again, know why? because I believe in miracles.

Labels: friends, God is good

letting it out

i need to let this pent up emotions out so i can have a new day tomorrow. i don't want this to stalk me and ruin my week.

i know that we all have our own problems to deal with and we deal with them differently. i guess i am unique this way. i am not afraid of asking people for help because this is how i cope up with troubles. sometimes i need consolation, assurances, even promises that life would be okay. sometimes i just need an ear that would listen.

today, i seek peoples help. because i am afraid for the life of my friend. i got so scared that a mother would lose a son, kids would lose their father and the wife would lose a husband. In the absence of other news other than my friend is in intensive care unit. i got upset and afraid. i got scared but i was not afraid to ask people for prayers. most of the people who heard the news offered sympathies. a few was too busy to care.. and i know someone who totally went berserk because she feels like the problem of the world is being thrown at her.

but i say, it will not kill you to sympathize. when it is your time looking for it, you will learn the value of sympathy.

i just hope i am no longer around to witness it.

“Do not be afraid of showing your affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Men are more helped by sympathy, than by service; love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.”
-John Lubbock quotes

Labels: friends, moments

DDD

my friend/co-worker/drinking buddy got into a car accident. he slammed his honda civic to a concrete barrier on his way home last night. as a result, he got his neck broken, he can't feel his thigh and legs, he has numerous wounds and broken bones. some of those broken bones are now crushing his spine. immediate operation is needed. i trust in mercy of God and I do pray that he will overcome this and get better.

Please, if you love your family.. if you love your kids.. if you love your life. Please do not drink and drive.

Labels: friends, God is good

hay buhay

Me: ang nanay ni G. Pinapupunta kami dun sa kanya dahil magluluto sya ng spaghetti. sabi ko G and I are not talking ska may meeting ako- si G na lang papuntahin nya. Nagtext back, wag nga lang daw. Kunsumisyon lang daw si G. Haha hay life...

Sya: Buti pa nanay niya, alam na kunsumisyon si G. hehehe

Me: Haha.. Langya mo.

Sya: Haha. hindi ako walanghya. hehe

Me: Buti pa nanay nya mahal ako. Tangna no?

Sya: Kasi nga alam nila na matino ka at nagtataka sila kung bakit mo pinatulan ang walang kwenta nilang anak.hehe

Me: Hahaha thank you for those nice words.. ang ginaw no?

Sya: Medyo maginaw nga. Hay naku masama pa rin ang loob ko. leche talaga. hehe

Me: Saan na naman?

Sya: yun pa rin. kung ano ikinasasama ng loob ko. Gusto ko na matanggal ito. hay..

Me: Ako, G pa rin..

Sya: Palitan mo naman ikinasasama ng loob mo. hehehe

Me: Wala naman akong ibang isyu. Yung ungas lang na yun..

Sya: Buti ka pa, ako pagkatapos ng isang sama ng loob may darating pang sama ng loob. Hindi ko na alam kung anong uunahin ko. heheheh

Me: Hay naku, may reason bakit ganun..

Sya: Laging ganun ang buhay ko. I will be happy for a while tapos doble dobleng sama ng loob ang kapalit. Mahirap talaga.

Me: Oo. Ako alam ko na kahit gano ko pa kamahal si G. Di na sya babalik sa akin

Sya: Hindi.Ikaw ang hindi na babalik sa kanya.

Me: That's nice. I never thought of it that way. HeHe.

Labels: friends, funny, just venting out

old friend

i met an old friend today. been 4 years since we last saw each other. he hasn't change. he's still the same old guy.. funny.. easy to please... his usual naive and charming self. he reminded me of a time in my life where everything was simple and uncomplicated. Had dinner and talked a lot.

He remembered me as the childish girl he once knew. HaHa. I am still a childish girl.. only this time, I know how to social climb. =p

I have to remind him I'm already 31 years old now cause I was still in my mid-20's when we first met. He said, I didn't look my age.. I look younger daw. Fine. Sige bolahin mo ko! He asked me if i'm happy with my current job. I said yes. I told him I got my heart broken.. but he didn't believe me and said I rather look happy. It could be a hundred reason. Or it could be because I was happy to see him.

Haven't seen a good old friend for the longest time.

Labels: friends

february

It's an action packed month for me. February was there and gone in a second. wow..

My month started with a two day seminar at Holiday Inn. It was boring as expected but the company of elineth and machie made it worthwhile. We went shopping and stayed the night at machie's place. There we drank and watched an Affair to Remember, it left us teary eyed that darn movie. The seminar redeemed itself by letting me win a wireless router. A router that I don't know how to use. Hehe

Then Jane Arrived. I was afraid to see her cause she can see right through me. The night before I go to see Jane, I talked to Joy about it.. I was still not sure whether to tell jane or not. I decided not to tell her until she opened the topic. We saw each other monday night after office hours. I went to their house. I was to stay there. Jane greeted me as if we haven't seen each other for 5 years.. as if i was not incommunicado for three years.. and as if I hadn't broken her heart. We stayed up late, had three bottles of wine and talked a lot. But the matter about Guia didn't come up. I felt jittery , I want to confess how Gui broke my heart.. how I let Gui walk all over it after tearing it apart. Cause then.. Jane could give me a piece of her mind. She asked me if I am still a virgin.. and I would have answered-- technically no but in accordance with the norms, yes. So I prefer to smile. That's the time when she decided that I need a good lay. I got scared and told her no, I don't need that. But she has the means and quite persistent. She even told Joy about it and they're both excited while I was so terrified. The night ended with a decision that I am to get laid on a thursday and that i wont be reporting for work the next day.

Joy arrived the next day and jane was gonna have a party so she could meet ate des' friends. Jane and Joy was still persistent, they planned everything in front of me as if I was not there.. from where to get the guy to where everything would happen. I was shaking and I thought of Guia. I wanted to ask Guia to save me but I was not sure she would come to my rescue. Then I received a message from Gui's sister. Gui was asking of my whereabouts. I got excited. I truly was. I never thought she would look for me. Knowing that-- I had the courage to text her and ask her to save me. She answered and told me to keep it together until friday. It was a tuesday.

The day went by- the party started.. and around midnight I received a text from Gui, she said she's getting me. I was torn. How will I tell jane? How will I explain? How could that happen to me? How coudl this be happening? What am I to do? Whom to choose? The people who loves you or the one you love? My bestfriend or Gui?

I told Jane about it and she cried. i told her i'm sorry and we cried. I hugged her tightly and asked myself how could i do this to one of my trusted friends? Time was running out.. I could lose them both.. I need to decide. I picked up my stuff and went away with Gui.

It was a tough decision cause it meant trading Jane and Joy for Gui. It meant choosing Gui. And I did choose Gui. I felt saved..and I thought that it was the night that my misery would come to an end. Gui and I spent the night together. It was the day we got back together but I didn't tell anyone.

I was not made for juggling , my insides were in chaos... jane.. angel..my family..work. I dropped Jane, my family and work so I could be with Gui. I felt like so much time has been wasted.. but it was not enough. It will never be. My work suffered the blows of this predicament. I just can't juggle anymore- somebody has to go. And there was a moment that I wanted it to be me.

But God is good to me as always.. He showed me the way and the person who has to go. It was not in the package that I expected it to be...but I had that package before so I knew what was coming.

I cried to jane.. the friend whom I lied to, dropped and left for Gui. She welcomed me again.. took care of me like nothing happened.. like tuesday did not happen. She saved me. We had a heart to heart talk. I was told that Angel can not offer me anything. But what about my heart? What about my love?

I was in a huge dilemma..work..family..and her. I am losing strength, I was literally in panic.. I needed to see her. I got to talk to her.. I needed that person who promised to be there for me.

Then that phone call. It was the voice and the message that my heart listened to. It was the truth my heart was waiting for. It was my wake up call. It was the day that my heart cowered in shame and my brain screamed finality.

So I stopped entertaining thoughts about Gui.. and discovered again how it is to be taken cared of, I miss being the baby.. I miss being pampered.. I miss being in the receiving end. I miss being loved. That pure unadulterated love that goes beyond any transgressions. That's when I realized that I miss a lot of things.

Jane left for home with a message that I am far better than Gui and I deserve more that what Gui can offer me. Also not to get involve in this kind of relationship anymore and never, never to see Guia again.. Magkalimutan na daw. I felt sad that Jane is back in New York but Joy, rest of my friends, and co-workers are still here rallying behind my back, supporting me.

Funny thing is that my co-workers missed me so much that the month of March is still going to be a busy busy month for me. Having a new passion, gaining new friends, travelling, having fun, and experiencing life with people who appreciates me will put an end to this irony.

I still think of Gui but not in that way anymore.. I love her but not enough to let her ruin my life again. I am starting to create new memories and new stories. I am re-planning my life and executing them slowly but surely. After all that has happened, I am convinced that indeed..Life is better without her.

Labels: friends, love, relationships

unwavering friendship

My bestfriend is leaving tonight. It is sad that I won't be there to send her off. I don't know when we will see each other again.. it could be in 5 years..10 years.. i really can't tell. All I know is that she is going back home and I am left here again.

I feel bad that I lied to jane about Angel.. I did lie and I did hide my relationship from her. But when everything fell apart-- she was there for me.. offered me her company.. her time.. undying love and friendship. She was there even when I lied to her. She still considered me as her friend.. knowing I lied to her-- knowing I chosed Angel above her. She was disappointed in me.. but that disappointment did not stop her from respecting my decision and understanding what i did. She loves me unconditionally.. and I guess my friends and family would always love me no matter how fucked up I can be. They're the only people who got my back.

I love jane like a sister. She takes care of me.. even without me asking for it.. she's the wall behind my back. She makes me strong.. she makes me see things differently. She is my bestfriend. And God willing, we would stil be the best of friends until we are old and gray.

I want to get out of the country-- I want to be where she is. She is my strength. My friends and family are the source of my strength.

Labels: family, friends